Coming out of my daze. Tough choices ahead.

[MrFixIt]

Hi everyone! I've been lurking here for a month since my individual T pointed me here. Making my first post now that I have had some time to process, and grieve, and can think more clearly.

Recent background:
Got married a couple of months but we've been together for more than six years. Not two days after, my wife went from happy to the worst down phase I have seen in our years together. After more than a week of verbal abuse, attempts to set boundaries, and fighting, the rose colored glasses broke. I saw enough of our fights in a short enough time to put patterns together, going back years. I could see what I needed to do to stop the fighting, at least until we got back from our honeymoon and could see our couples T. I felt like a complete fool for marrying someone who would treat me this way. It was complete survival mode for the next week to avoid setting her off. Set up appointments with individual and couples T. My anxiety was off the charts. I about passed out riding my bike to class.

The diagnosis:
She came to the conclusion that in therapy I was going to ask for a divorce, and flew in to a rage the night before (Never mind that she had suggested divorce at least twice the previous week). The couples therapy session the next day was wild. Started with lots of blame shifting. With hopes that it would spur change and meaningful discussion, I said that we have let some abusive communication styles take place in our relationship, and that we need to work together to change them. What she heard was me calling her an abuser, then went in to a meltdown of self hatred  and the rest of the session became about getting her under control.

Got a call from the couples T a few days later. Told me that she does not like to discuss one spouse without the other present, or handing out diagnoses but felt it necessary in our case. She suggested I start reading about borderline personality disorder, and with this in mind, she would come up with a new plan to tackle the problematic behaviors in our future sessions.

Those sessions never happened. Wife now thinks that our couple's T (which she was fine with for around 15 sessions) is a quack, and will not go back.

The bitter irony is our couple's T seemed optimistic that my wife's behavior could get under control with the right treatment, DBT and such. My individual T and psychiatrist do not seem to share such a positive outlook.

All for now, laptop is dying. Will share more about me soon.

[Penny Lane]

Hi Mr Fix It and welcome.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this, and I hope these boards can help. I'd encourage you to peruse the toolbox and resources up top. And depending on where you end up on this, there is a board for committed to working on it and another for separating and divorcing.

You are not alone here, and you are definitely not a complete fool. Whatever you decide to do I'm sending good thoughts and strength your way. It sounds like you're in for a hard time, and I hope you can position yourself to be much happier in the future.

I'll look forward to hearing more of your story as you decide to share it.