Done with the waiting game.

[JayBird]

I realized I was playing the "waiting game".

I grew up in a household where both of my parents were alcoholics. I was very close to my sister and in many ways, growing up, it felt like it was me and my sister vs. the parents.

Growing up, my sister would either be my ally or my enemy and I could never predict which one would appear.  Yet she and I were incredibly close and we relied on one another because our parents were unreliable. My sister could be loving and chaotic. And she still is. 

Hello un BPD.

What finally gave me insight to the nature of our relationship is the notion of give vs. take, balance vs. unbalanced. I have since gained some perspective that has led me to come to terms with the extreme one-sidedness of our relationship. She takes, while I give.

During my sister's young adult life, she was a walking ball of chaos, bad decisions, and wrecked relationships. I took on the role of the "safety net". I bailed her out, lent her money, gave her the support and encouragement that she needed. But over time the offenses kept piling up and the unbalanced burden of our relationship became apparent.

It was apparent how much my sister despised me because my life was not falling apart. Her envy was palpable.

Over time, as a result, I made myself small in her presence, because I knew it hurt her too much to see that I was doing ok while she was struggling. Her hurt would often manifest as rage. Directed at me pointing out my shortcomings. As a result, I developed a coping skill where I minimized myself as a form of warped self-protection. I realized that if I had any positives in my life, I would present it as having manifested due to "luck" (not a product of hard work and good decision making).  As in: I graduated from University, boy was I lucky I got in the first place. When I bought a house, "Just pure random luck that I came across this place".  Grew a garden, "just lucky I guess" (nothing to do with effort or skill,) etc..

But, as I said, I cared deeply for my sister. We didn't have parents she could count on, I felt like I had to be the one to help her out.

Over time I have begun to see an on going pattern of negative behavior each and every encounter I have with my sister. I understand now why it is that I gave my sister so many pardons. I have been waiting all these years, hoping that my sister would be able to be a kind and supportive person to me. It has been magical thinking on my part.

Here is what my magical thinking looks like:

"Perhaps once you are no longer an alcoholic you will be able to be there for me" (10 years go by).

"Perhaps now that you are in recovery you will be there for me"(10+ years on-going recovery).

"Perhaps now that you have returned and succeeded in college, you can find some time for me"(4 years go by)

"Perhaps now that you are now married to a good guy, have a beautiful house, your life is stable, you are in grad school, and you might be healed and healthy enough to be there for me".

But no. It is still same dynamic of her taking and me giving, me minimizing myself. The driving force of this relationship is not friendship, not helpfulness, not companionship, its obligation and guilt. I am giving up my magical thinking; I am done waiting.

[NotLost]

Hi Jaybird. Just wanted to thank you for describing your sibling situation. I feel my situation is very similar.  Alcoholic parents, being there to help up. My sibling just became dependent on me and suffocating, expected to be rescued. Everything we had (myself and spouse) was chalked up to my in-laws, not our hard work.

Just wanted to respond to your post. It's so hard to sort this stuff out in our heads and it's sort of rare that I read something similar to my experience so you've helped me out just by posting yours. My sibling and I grew up very close in age and our friends were shared, along with just about everything else, but it was always my friends, my money, my stuff she'd help herself to, she's even taken things I've said and attributed them to herself as if she was stealing my identity.

I'm curious...did your sister try to manipulate to get things that were yours only?

In the end, siblings' envy became really ugly and very uncomfortable and she began behaving in strange ways with stalking and refusal of boundaries. It was very much a relationship based on how useful I was and I was tired of waiting for her to mature emotionally since we are both beyond middle age. Thanks again and I am happy you've come to some conclusions regarding your sister.

[STG3]

Just chiming in to add that I relate so much to both. It's been an excruciatingly painful journey to lose my ally and best friend, the one person who was present and witness to my parents' abuse. I too waited and wished and hoped for the best... but their behavior has just kept getting worse and worse

Ultimately I came to the conclusion that just because we have shared history, shared friends, shared trauma.. I can't allow myself to play into the abuse cycle and be a caretaker to their endless chaos and manipulative, narcissistic, unstable behavior.

It's extremely tough but I know it's for the best.

[overitall]

HI Jaybird,
I could have written your story...because of our extremely abusive childhood (sexual and psychological abuse) my bond with my sister was always strong.....yet...when she was about  20, she started becoming super erratic...I always gave her a second chase....I always bailed her out...it was always someone else's fault...well, you get the point.
When I had children, she literally was jealous of my kids...I realized that I was her "mommy" and she was jealous because she was competing with my kids for me...crazy, right?  Over the past 30 years, so has become so out there that most people now recognize that she has big, big problems....very little impulse controls...she rages unexpectedly and strikes out at people without warning...most people keep their distance and don't want to deal with her anymore..
I gave her a "second chance" way too many times....It always starts the same way...a card, say she loves me and misses me and wants to get together..I let her back in and within a month, I'm sorry....chaos begins and we're on the same path....
It is impossible to fix an uBPD person...it just is..this last card (a month ago) went into the trash....it's been almost 2 years NC and this time I'm done...I'm too old for this and have better things to do with my life....

[daughter]

I've one sibling, my GC "princess" nsis.  Though we grew-up in same household, same NBM and enNF parents, our upbringing, and thus our world outlook of expectations and duties are wildly different.  I was parentified, the SG, the dutiful daughter tasked with grown-up responsibilities before I was 12, deprived of basic medical, dental, and social niceties normally expected for a "nice girl from a good family:,  Nope, I was valued strictly for my usefulness, whether as free labor, or as emotional punching-bag for NBM and enNF.  Oh, and whatever nsis wanted of mine, I was expected to hand it over, pronto; ditto for "being helpful", expected to be ever ready with aid and assistance.   For nsis, polar opposite expectations and obligations: no household responsibilities, NBM's BFF mini-me, pampered "princess". my parents scrambling to "help" in any and all manner.  Nsis got the "Ivy League" education, the fancy pants wedding, the significant household help; me, nope, none of it, just chastisement, disdain and disrespect from NBM, enNF and nsis, who diligently learned this from my parents.  Old habits die hard.  My parents, in their 80s, are still smothering nsis in their indulgent enmeshment; me, I'm NC for past 7 years.  Situations and dysfunctional dynamics get set, doesn't improve with time.  Your sister likely "is what she is", a combination of upbringing and genetics and free will.  "Waiting for change" is likely futile.