Thanksgiving? What to do.

[Gettintired76]

Ok so my ex has decided that "for the safety of the children" I am no longer allowed to see them. The kids want me to spend time with me on Thanksgiving, but the only way she will allow it is if I go with her and her new b/f, which I am very uncomfortable with. Should I bite the bullet and deal with the abuse I'm positive she will dish out with dinner or should I refuse which I know will hurt the kids. Any advice please. Ya know its like someone else posted, when does it end? We've been broken up over a month, she has a new guy living with her, and she is still calling me everyday, texting me late at night, still wanting me to deal with her issues, But at the same time she tells me I cant move on.

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I don't know. Is it an option to just stop by? This you can connect with the kids but minimize your exposure to toxicity?

Make sure you have full control over your own movements - don't accept a ride from them, make your own arrangements.

[Gettintired76]

There in lies the problem I will have to ride with them and dropping by isn't an option because I won't have a way there unless someone she doesn't want around be there as well. I love how she has complete say over who is around the kids but I have no say

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If it were me I'd wait for a time that I could control my own movements.

I understand she'll exploit this with the kids... she will anyway. Just use any opportunity you can to maintain your relationship when you can stay safe.

[Gettintired76]

She ran with the, I have no idea where other then it is an Hour+away, she claims due to "safety concerns" involving my family she won't give me the location or address and we have to meet at a police station basically so I can be frisked. It's so unbelievable how everyone is believing her lies and destroying someone just on her word.

[Gettintired76]

So I had Thanksgiving Dinner with my kids at a restaurant today, their mother dropped them off told me to call her when we were finished so she could come get them. Well me and the kids had a wonderful relaxed time. But when it came time to leave their mother would not answer her phone and I and my sister both called multiple times. So myself and my sister had to take the kids home, so now since she wouldn't answer the phone and person she doesn't want around her kids had to take them home I'm no longer allowed around the kids.

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Who says you're no longer allowed?

[Rose1]

Unless she has a court order it's all noise. The police station is a good idea, keeps her under control. I would ask the police to demand a court order from her, not let the kids go with anyone else, advise her you will wait 15 min for turnup, then leave.

You have as much right to look after the kids that she does with no court orders in place. If the police insist in frisking you ask for her to be frisked too. You never know what they will find. Don't let her bully you . Someone knows the ropes, probably someone she knows

[Gettintired76]

She does she stated I forfeited my rights to seeing them. Later at about 10 she started texting me, telling me to stop interrogating our children when I have them, I didn't interrogate anyway they divulged info of there own free will. Oh and she called me at about 7:30 wanting me over to turn off the grill which is mine yet another thing she insists is her and she is keeping, seems her b/f and brother-in-law left it going and took off. She got upset because I told the children goodnight. She wants me to take her cat but she won't give me my puppy back either, she promised she was keeping him a week for worming then returning him to me. Shortly changing her mind and refusing to return him.

[Gettintired76]

I have considered that Rose. It concerns me greatly that she is letting someone she met on a dating site maybe 4 months way out in the country. But I have no say she has all the say. My daughters informed me yet again that yes he does discipline them my Autistic 11yr old said he picked her up and threw her in the car jumped on her and started screaming at her. My ten yr old said they have to stay on the couch or they get punishments...from him. When I went there tonight my 11 yr old was grounded (for about the 500th time in two wks) She told me the girls wanted just me to eat with them that my mom couldn't come, later when my mom rode with my sister to pick me up the girls said they did want her and my youngest demanded I take mom back in the restaurant to eat with her. That's what I hate the most, the kids being put in the middle. And she really doesn't see or care I think, what she's doing to them. It's all just about control like EM once said.

[Gettintired76]

That she met 4 months ago move her way out in the country

[escapingman]

Getintired, you need to report her to the police. Also, you need to find out if you can get any legal help and a lawyer. You need to step this up now, she is not suitable for the kids and you need to fight for them.

[Rose1]

Have you got a copy of the order?  We're you invited to court? More noise.

Its difficult when engulfed by fear of a ballistic response. 

However, I found found out that they do this because they can, and because it works.

Realistically minimum time should be 50/50 but with that reported abuse jail time seems  possibility.  Should that happen,  move with the kids and no forwarding address imo.

I agree, time to get authorities involves.
BTW I found that my fear of bad behaviour kept me chained. As soon as I got sick of my chain being yanked and had some consequences for the pd, ie he had to do some running around, suddenly I got improved behaviour.  Didn't last but its a nice break.

Your situation seems much more violent potentially.  Mine threatened but it was more for control. So you need to play it differently perhaps. But your children are being abused and what is happening sounds criminal to me. Not something for divorce courts but criminal courts.  Police can bring charges.

Why are you letting these people into your house? Or answering stupid phone calls? You're separated and she has no business behaviour like that.

[Gettintired76]

I couldn't agree more. My 11 yr old would and will be devastated without me around she worships me (she's the one with autism) I'm not being egotistical she really is a mega daddy's girl. My youngest is identical to EM's GC she acts totally different when it's just us. She is doing this in an attempt to make me look incompetent and irresponsible and inconsiderate of our agreement. Even though she knew damn well I wouldn't leave the kids sitting in the cold when I had a way home for them.I have contacted the police when he first moved in there, there exact words were "I don't know what you want me to do about it, she can have whoever she wants there." Oh and btw my daughter stated she told him to "deal" with her she was busy. I feel she knew exactly what she was doing when she dumped me she knew I had no way to do anything nothing to do with and she rubs it in my face all the stuff she is doing everything he does for the kids because I won't that he has to be their father because I'm worthless. She claims my family is abusive, I'm going to go ahead and tell the situation and let you decide. I have 3 sisters, the oldest isn't around much, but sadly she is just like my ex. The middle one she's better, but anyway my middle sister has spanked both girls, by that I mean a quick swat on the butt or thigh nothing more. And last summer my youngest daughter got my moms mail out of her box to take to her, my youngest sister didn't know what the kid was doing because the kid was running around the yard with it instead of bringing it in, anyway my sis went to catch by grabbing her should and accidentally left marks on her. That's it in a nutshell, you her sister and b/ f can discipline and decide if my kids see me, but my family can not hardly even speak to the kids or there are repercussions. Like I say that's the backstory.

[Gettintired76]

About going to the police, all I have is what my daughters told me no physical proof, so will they still listen? I mean yes my kids have volunteered and I emphasize volunteered I never asked, about the disciplinary actions used there. But that's all I have.... their word...and their mother swears they are lying when they say something happens there.

[escapingman]

I am not sure about the laws where you are Getintired76, but if you report that your kids are being abused by her mum and bf I would expect them to interview/talk to the kids. Are there social services you can use instead of the police? When I finally told someone about the abuse, and  I did not tell everything, I told my doctor who reported the abuse both to the social services and the police. Social then contacted school who spoke to both kids, although knowing my kids neither would have said anything was wrong. Would your kids protect her or would they tell what is going on? My GC would never say the real truth, but I think she would slip up as she firmly believe her mum is the best and is always right. SG would probably tell what is going on if she knows she would not end up in trouble for what she says. If the police or social use trained therapists/specialists they should be able to get the truth out of kids.

 

[Gettintired76]

That's the clincher my youngest, the GC may very well slip up and spill the beans, my middle daughter will most definitely spill the whole dinner table probably about everything that's happened the last 6 yrs of her life. My son will either clam up or protect his mother which he has already started to do. However if my middle daughter got any idea that her mother might be there she may clam up, as she did during the investigation of my ex's brother in law in 2016. My daughter knew her mother didn't want anything said so she didn't speak of it. This is the same brother in law she has living there now. Lastly My lawyer advised against social services because my a) threatened multiple times to run with the kids and b) she has threatened to kill herself and the kids to make sure I didn't get them.

[Gettintired76]

I considered anonymously posting a pic of her dating profile she still has up and active to her boyfriends messenger but I'm afraid he may snap and hurt her or the kids.

[Gettintired76]

He has a compound bow sitting out on the porch with broad heads right now.

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Yeah, don't mess around with sending dating profiles or anything like that. Let that go.

I don't have the knowledge or experience to advise you about reports. It seems to me CPS (DCF or whatever) is the one to report to but I really can't guess what the outcome would be.

That your lawyer would say not to report because of threats to harm the kids is mind blowing.

I understand you are limited by funds. Can you try to Google DV organizations in your area that are friendly to men (we need so many more of these!)? Obviously you are personally out of the situation but you need help with your kids.

If I were in your shoes I'd be thinking about making calls to these outfits and saying something like:

My relationship recently ended, but my children are still in an abusive situation with their mother and her boyfriend. Are there any resources you can offer to help me protect my children?

I think you should have some ducks in a row before making any further report. You need legal representation from a lawyer who is interested in your case and will work pro bono. I bet such a lawyer exists but granted will be quite difficult to find. The way to find that lawyer, though, is to start asking around, make calls, etc. I know this is hard.