Triangulation

[sunshine702]

Whenever I have a conversation with my Narc mom it is triangulated.  And it is about me "measuring up".

I absolutely recognize it now.  Two years ago I had agreed to meet my mom at the resort pool where she was staying in my town.  When I got there she was on the phone to her "friend" for a good 30 minutes.  How odd I thought.  What is so important with the friend to make this phone call right now — we had agreed on 10 am right.    Triangulation.  Duh.  She is competing me against this new friend right here. 

Another example was recent.  My childhood friend (who I have not seen in decades) and her sister came back to my hometown for their mother's funeral.  I thought the whole vibe with my family was quite creepy or at least how it was relayed to me.  I did not go to the funeral but my parents sure did and then invited them over for dinner now I hear endlessly about the tea sent as a thank you gift.  How wonderful it is.

Again competition.  I have given her tea before too but it did not register.  This woman about my age — so funny such good tea.


So When I have a weird feeling of "this is odd" or "why do I need this information". THAT is what is going on.  My mom's competitions.

[moglow]

When my brothers were in semi-contact with MD, every phone call and holiday greeting were met with who'd already called and texted or not and what they had to say, or speculation on what might be the holdup on them calling. All while having little to no actual conversation with whoever was on the phone at the moment. That's now been extended to endless commentary about any contact with random people at doctors' offices or pharmacy, "someone blew their horn passing the house" and speculation of who or why they honked. Or she'll make a point to answer the phone while talking with someone else, only to screech about she'll need to talk to them later because XYZ is there or on the other line. THEN her sole topics of conversation is whoever just called and possibly why ...

It's literally all about anyone but whoever is there at the moment. So I'm calling combo on this one: triangulation and lack of object constancy.

[NarcKiddo]

My M does classic triangulation (as I understand it) often. She wants to control the relationship between me and my sibling and she tries to tell us when we should be in contact with one another. She talks about each of us behind the back of the other. She does this as regards our father, too - the relationship with him has to be run through her. He is also useful if she wants us to do something she does not want to ask us directly - she will claim he would like it if we did xyz. Or she cannot do xyz because he has said no.

She also does the involvement of a third party at all possible times. In the case of my M it has always felt like we are being trotted out as dutiful daughters to show what a wonderful mother she is. With the added bonus of showing us how unimportant we are. She would frequently telephone her mother while I was there. She would then bang on to her mother in her native tongue that we were never taught while I had to sit there. This would go on for at least 30 minutes and often an hour. I would know she was talking about me as she would throw mocking looks in my direction, or roll her eyes in a faux sympathy sort of way to indicate my grandmother was being horrid about me. Every so often I would be gestured at to make another drink for M. Now she will try to have visitors round when I am there. It used to annoy me and I would try to avoid it, so she would arrange my visit and then surprise me with the visitors. Now I rather welcome the visitors as they dilute her company. On one occasion recently she was waiting for the pastor to come round (while I was there) and then another friend turned up, supposedly unexpectedly. This resulted in my mother going out to smoke in the garden with her friend leaving me alone in the house because somebody had to listen out for the pastor's arrival so he could be let in!

[NBRiverGuy]

The thing that I realize my wife does is, if she is on the outs with someone and I call her out on her behavior which undoubtedly caused the conflict, she'll come back at me the next day or so with, "I talked to (outside party) and they said that I was not in the wrong." I never recognized it until I read about triangulation, which I guess this falls under. It can be a small thing that she is livid about, and I might just say something like, "Well. I see how what you said might have upset them. I'm sure you didn't mean it that way, but maybe just choose your words more carefully in the future." I'll forget all about it, but she is out recruiting defenders, and when she finds someone who agrees with her (or who capitulates just to placate her), she can't wait until I get home so that she can tell me how wrong I was.

[bloomie]

sunshine702 - triangulation, divisiveness, dismissive, ungrateful, gaslighting... check, check, check, check, check!

Ultimately, what is clear and easy to identify is your mother's behaviors are rude and devaluing.

See how often we question ourselves? Was it 10am? We double check our texts to make sure we didn't misunderstand as we sit waiting for that person to get the heck off the phone because it would be 'rude' on our parts to pack up and wave goodbye, or respond to the tea comments with "yeah, you told me about the tea before, so anyway about the book I'm reading"... or would it?

Your presence is valuable and precious. Your efforts are worthy and kind. Your mother's behaviors are disquieting and say everything about her and nothing about you. I am sorry she treats you this way!