What is this behavior? To outsiders he acts like I'm 'the boss'

11JB68 · July 15, 2022, 11:07:32 AM

This always throws me off when uOCPDh does this
He is very controlling. Must have things his way. etc.
Yet, mostly if we have 'service people' at our house (painters, handyman etc) he will make comments TO THEM like 'let's ask the boss' or 'my wife is always right' etc etc.
IT DRIVES ME NUTS cuz in private it's the opposite, he thinks he's always right etc.
I cannot figure out his 'motivation' with this?

escapingman · July 15, 2022, 11:32:24 AM

Quote from: 11JB68 on July 15, 2022, 11:07:32 AM
This always throws me off when uOCPDh does this
He is very controlling. Must have things his way. etc.
Yet, mostly if we have 'service people' at our house (painters, handyman etc) he will make comments TO THEM like 'let's ask the boss' or 'my wife is always right' etc etc.
IT DRIVES ME NUTS cuz in private it's the opposite, he thinks he's always right etc.
I cannot figure out his 'motivation' with this?

I had to keep saying that when we had people doing jobs in the house as everything me and the person doing the job agreed about had to be overruled. If I was asked where to drill a hole, I said there, the hole was drilled, uNPDx came along and made a scene that the hole was half an inch to much to the wrong and therefor had to be filled in and re drilled.

Are you allowed to actually make the decisions or is he he complaining afterwards?

square · July 15, 2022, 11:58:39 AM

Just brainstorming:

- He is anxious about what is happening and making the right decision, so he makes you responsible so he can blame you later if he wishes

- He is managing his appearance to others to look like a victim (beleagured, hen-pecked husband) or a great guy (husband who lets the wifey make the calls)

- He is gaslighting you by painting a false picture of who is controlling and demanding and unreasonable

- He is punishng you for some past interaction when you had an opinion on a household matter that wasn't the same as his, by making you look controlling in front of others

- He is deflecting inner anxiety about the project by passive aggressively poking you in a way he knows will make you feel uncomfortable but you would look crazy for pushing back on, making him feel more powerful and easing his internal feelings

escapingman · July 15, 2022, 12:05:58 PM

Quote from: square on July 15, 2022, 11:58:39 AM
Just brainstorming:

- He is anxious about what is happening and making the right decision, so he makes you responsible so he can blame you later if he wishes

- He is managing his appearance to others to look like a victim (beleagured, hen-pecked husband) or a great guy (husband who lets the wifey make the calls)

- He is gaslighting you by painting a false picture of who is controlling and demanding and unreasonable

- He is punishng you for some past interaction when you had an opinion on a household matter that wasn't the same as his, by making you look controlling in front of others

- He is deflecting inner anxiety about the project by passive aggressively poking you in a way he knows will make you feel uncomfortable but you would look crazy for pushing back on, making him feel more powerful and easing his internal feelings

Starboard Song · July 15, 2022, 12:10:53 PM

Or, this is a way of seeking balance my rhetorically putting you in charge. He knows that at the end of the day he'll have to have it his way, so maybe this feels like a touch of balance to him.

Also a bit of self-consciousness and guilt can be assuaged by pretending to be more magnanimous than he is.

Poison Ivy · July 15, 2022, 01:11:09 PM

My ex would do other things for the following reason: He is managing his appearance to others to look like a victim (beleagured, hen-pecked husband) or a great guy (husband who lets the wifey make the calls)

losingmyself · July 15, 2022, 04:56:20 PM

Everything that Square and Poison Ivy said, but I would also like to add my H's added reasoning, and that is that if I make the decision and it's wrong, then it's not HIS fault. Making sure that he is completely blameless. He's just the victim of a mean controlling wife who yells all the time.

1footouttadefog · July 15, 2022, 06:31:30 PM

Mine does this type of thing, bit in reality I am the one who does all the home maintenance and dyi.

Even so there is a fake syrupy Haha shes the boss sort of thing around others. I hate it.

I think it's so he can ask questions and not risk seeming wrong or uninformed because he can then point back at me.

My pdH also a super annoying thing where he says well 1Foot always says this or 1foot was just saying blahs blahs blah.

He is testing tue waters on a topic like politics or something with my name attached to tue idea then if it lays flat he backs off if tue engage he switches into whatever he wanted to rant about. If it brings negativity out or the other avoids the topic he tries to team up with them against me on tue topic and it's all imaginary.

Seems alot of people around town, his coworkers and even some church members over the years think they k oa all about me and my thoughts ok n topics even though we have never spoken.

11JB68 · July 15, 2022, 09:48:07 PM

Thanks everyone
Square I think mostly your 1 2 & 5.
And poison ivy i also agree there
Thx for the feedback...I think I did think of some of those before.... but each time it throws me off and I have to rethink it
Always better to think out loud with other understanding folks

Mary · July 15, 2022, 11:37:35 PM

Very similar experience here 11JB68. "She wears the pants." ha

SeaBreeze · July 16, 2022, 09:29:12 PM

As a few of us have jokingly asked before, are we all married to the same PD?? Mine does the same, saying "Happy wife, happy life!" and such.

He recently informed me he does everything I ever ask him to do??? Oh really, now.

Agree with other comments above that it's all just spin. And my head is spinning right with it!

Mary · July 17, 2022, 11:02:18 PM

Step off that train, SeaBreeze!

I wonder if this phenomenon is a form of projection.

Mary

1footouttadefog · July 18, 2022, 12:15:29 PM

Was thinking about how my pdH does this about driving. He had never liked to drive. Always wanted me to drive. Even when we were dating and I did not have a full liscence yet.

On trips he would offer to drive and get tired about 25 minutes down the road.

Then he tells people I am the boss and wont ket him drive. He has no liscense now so at least I dont habe to listen to this crap any more.

bohemian butterfly · July 18, 2022, 08:57:01 PM

11JB68,

I remember when my ex used to do this. When customers would come to the farm he would always say, "she is the boss." This was so strange to me because that was so not true. It was very confusing to me because it was all talk. Telling other people that I was the boss was a way for him to bond with the customers. I also feel like he picked up on that saying from other farmers that he looked up to. He admired husband and wife teams in which the woman ran the office and handled all the finances and marketing and phone calls, etc (basically ran the company/business/farm) while the man just tended to the fields. I also think that subconsciously he wanted me to be bossy, to be an alpha. He complained that his past girlfriends and 2 ex-wives were bossy and high maintenance and I was the complete opposite. He used to tell me that it was a relief, but I think at his core, he only resonated with women who pushed him around. I think again, subconsciously, he despised that I was a "go with the flow" kind of person

He would also tell people that I was his wife, but in reality, we were not married. The customers would say "your husband said......" and when I'd correct them, they would look confused and say "he said that you were his wife". At first I was flattered that he'd say that because it made me feel secure, but after a while it just messed with my head because again, it didn't match reality. Cognitive dissonance?

11JB68 · July 18, 2022, 09:26:08 PM

As usual it is both reassuring and frightening that so many of you have experienced something similar
Thanks for sharing

falsebalance2 · July 19, 2022, 10:59:54 PM

Wow that is so wild all so similar.

Mine did this too. Would constantly joke with men the happy wife and I'm the boss. Sometimes it made me feel like he loved me - other times it was offensive. Like when something was completely his selfish idea and then at the public space saying gotta make 'the old lady' happy. I hated that he called me that in my 20s.

I think mine is so passive agressive and covert I had a hard time understanding his public persona was more of a parot act he gleaned from other men. Nothing for me to read into - it was his way of speaking 'man-code.'
I never hear how angry he was about something until time has passed and then when he is angry I get the laundry list of all the things I've done wrong.. yet.....I'm the boss? He told me he isn't afraid of anyone but me.
...It is disorienting.

I have always said I don't know whether to believe angry PD or happy PD. Both are conflicting in every sense of the word.

losingmyself · July 20, 2022, 08:34:07 AM

So....am I the good guy or the bad guy???

Poison Ivy · July 20, 2022, 10:44:11 AM

My ex seemed to resent that I made a lot of decisions and generally was proactive and assertive, but he also didn't want to make decisions himself. I didn't want to be the "boss" but I also didn't want things to not get done because of ex's indecisiveness and passivity.

falsebalance2 · July 20, 2022, 02:32:46 PM

Quote from: losingmyself on July 20, 2022, 08:34:07 AM

So....am I the good guy or the bad guy???

Depends on which way the wind is blowing!

escapingman · July 20, 2022, 02:57:28 PM

Quote from: Poison Ivy on July 20, 2022, 10:44:11 AM
My ex seemed to resent that I made a lot of decisions and generally was proactive and assertive, but he also didn't want to make decisions himself. I didn't want to be the "boss" but I also didn't want things to not get done because of ex's indecisiveness and passivity.

My uNPDxw was so worried about making the wrong decisions so I had to make all decisions, however she made sure my decision was exactly what she wanted but since it was me making the decision if anything went wrong she could be blame it on me. If things went well she made sure I knew it was her decision after all.