Should I do anything else, or accept that I've reached an impasse with a NPD?

[countrygirl]

Hello,

I have a very self-absorbed, narcissistic friend.   She was visiting her family during the holidays, and wrote me enough e-mails to rival the length--though certainly not the depth!--of "War and Peace."  I grew weary of her constant complaints, and finally advised her to try to enjoy the beauty of the season.  Both of her parents have always given her anything she wants, and her mother  still supports her financially.  They live in a beautiful house in a lovely setting.  Yet all she does is say how awful her life is.  I did not dismiss her problems, but did advise her to try to let them go a bit during the holidays and to enjoy being with her family in their beautiful home.

I assumed she would react negatively, but was somewhat surprised when she immediately dropped me.   She didn't send me so much as a "Merry Christmas" or a "Happy New Year.'  But I figured I would hear from her again when she needed me.  Sure enough, she wrote me after a few weeks, telling me all her problems again.  (I should mention here that I have been laid up for a few months, but of course THAT is not a real problem...)

I thought about whether I wanted to answer her e-mail.  I found that I couldn't just start e-mailing her again as if all were well, as if it had been okay for her to drop me and ignore me for weeks during the holidays.  On the  other hand, I didn't feel up to saying anything about her behavior, because I didn't feel up to a conflict.  I decided to wait and see whether/if I felt like replying.   Then she wrote again, called me and then finally sent an e-mail, asking me to look at something she'd written.  (This is the other thing about her:  I'm always asked to look at and praise anything she has created.  She's an artist.)  She complained about not hearing from me.   So, I pointed out to her that I hadn't heard from her at all over the holidays.  I knew this would anger her.  At first, she said she had thanked me for my Christmas card (this was about a week before the last, unanswered e-mail I sent).  I told her that I hadn't heard a word form her since the third week of December.   

One thing about e-mails is that they are dated, so she couldn't deny what I said.  This really angered her and she said,  "I don't know what these e-mails are doing.  I will be at home all week, so call me.  These e-mails are making me feel bad, so I won't write anymore."   I replied that I was explaining my silence, since she had asked.  I told her that not hearing from her for weeks during the holidays had hurt me.

I should mention that she's always trying to get me to talk on the phone.  I have lots of business to manage on the phone, and don't have free time to talk.  For "talk," I mean listen to her.  She is not a bit interested in anything to do with my life.  I am just expected to listen to her problems with her boyfriend, mother, therapist and with her digestion.  She can get really graphic and disgusting and obsessive with the digestion descriptions, to the point that it is abusive.  I just don't want to hear it, especially not all the time.  Her therapist has told her that no one wants to here about her digestion, but of course she doesn't listen to him.  She has been in therapy since childhood, but perhaps not with the right people...

Well, in my subject line I asked if I should accept I've reached an impasse with her.  But I guess I do accept it.  I spoke the truth to her about her behavior, and she refuses to accept responsibility.  In fact, she refused to even discuss the situation with me.  There are things about her that I like, but this has always been a one-sided relationship, and her behavior just underlines this. 

What I find time and again with NPDs is that they are outraged if you confront them about their behavior, and immediately try to turn the tables.  Noticed how she focused on my not replying to her, but refused to acknowledge that her silence had started the situation.

[Thru the Rain]

Hi countrygirl,

It was a conflict with a friend that brought me here to Out of the FOG.

After getting support here, I completely dropped the rope with a very toxic friend and have never regretted it.

Based on your description, this sounds like a very one-sided exchange. You are absolutely allowed to remove yourself from any relationship - and it would be OK to just stop interacting. No need to explain yourself to her, no need for a final email or letter or conversation unless it would make YOU feel better. You don't have to convince her, and she doesn't need to accept or understand your point of view. You have a right to take care of yourself here.

[countrygirl]

Hi, 

Thanks for your reply, Thru the Rain.  Unfortunately, I have/had several friends who are NPD  (along with others, including my closest friends, who are not), so this is an ongoing issue for me.  I've thought a lot about it before, but as I read your words--telling me that I don't owe this friend anything, that I have a right to do what's best for me---it suddenly hit me:  I experience a lot of guilt when I stand up for myself with these people, and when I withdraw from them.  I'm sure this is because my parents were Ns, who became enraged whenever I tried to stand up for myself or when I withdrew. 

At any rate, I really appreciate you telling me that I don't owe this friend anything.  I need to learn that when someone treats you badly, you do have a right to withdraw, even if withdrawing makes you feel guilty or sad.  And I do feel sad, because this friend has good characteristics, and I really enjoy and admire her artistic talent, but I have never felt good about how one-sided the giving has been.  This fact is certainly underlined by how furious she became when I had the audacity to say that being dismissed as I was is not okay with me.  It seems to me that Ns think they can behave however they want, and that you should continue to be there for them.  In my experience, they are both shocked and enraged when you call them on their behavior.

[coyote]

The question to everyone's answer
Is usually asked from within

Sorry you are going through this but it does seem you have your answer already. Sometimes it's a no win situation.

[countrygirl]

HI Coyote,

You are right!

In my experience of dealing with Ns, it is almost always a no win situation.   It is sad, because often they are intelligent, interesting people, but having a relationship with them only works if they are the center of attention, and if you're willing to let them trample all over your feelings.

Once, I actually had sense enough to block an offer of friendship from an N, who was very intelligent and accomplished.   Then I watched her form a friendship with a woman who was more than happy to be her sycophant.   They even looked odd together, because the N was tall and large, and the sycophant was unusually petite.   (Here let me note that I am fine with there being any sort of size difference between friends!  And I wouldn't comment on this at all, except it seemed to mirror so perfectly the emotional relationship.  Not that little people can't be dominant, but not in this case!)  I think you could only be friends with this N if you agreed that she was the alpha.

[bloomie]

countrygirl - I am sorry the reality of the lack of genuine friendship, fellowship, and a reasonable level of reciprocity has taken a toll on you. Seems like a wise decision to step back after having offered an answer to your silence and having it invalidated and dismissed.

A concept that is woven through the boards is the difference between hurt and harm. When we set a boundary, or when we are experiencing another as mostly interested in what we have done for them lately and who are unwilling or unable to manage themselves in loving ways toward us, we do wisely step back and set boundaries, and that may hurt that person, but it is not intentional harming of them to take good care of ourselves and guard our own resources as we see fit. Such as preserving and prioritizing your phone time for your business needs over listening to someone go on and on and onimus about their gut issue.   

Ime with the uNPD people in my circle, when I am out of site I am truly out of mind and any expectation that they would respect or consider my own life circumstances and demands is simply folly on my part. Often, I don't even believe it is an intentional disregard of me from their world view - though of course I cannot know this, it is rather a putting me down until they need me again and they pick me up and hold the expectation we can go on just as we were... like a tool, or work out shoes, or an old pair of cozy socks.

It is objectification in my experience with the uNPD people I have had friendships with. I choose not to cooperate with that kind of thing any longer and it seems you are at that same place. It feels good after the discomfort passes and we settle into a new way of conducting friendships.

[countrygirl]

Hi Bloomie,

Thank you for your insightful reply.   

I liked your similes of a tool, work out shoes, old cozy socks.   I always feel as if I'm being treated like a faucet, or a TV.   

What I've also found is that Ns are highly sensitive to how others treat them, but insensitive to how they treat others.  Of course, if others are old socks or faucets, I guess you don't have to give them much thought--until they wear out, that is!