Hello I joined today

[somewhereovertherainbow]

Hi,

I just joined the forum today although have dipped in and out of the website for a few years now.

I am 3 years no contact with my parents. I strongly suspect that my mother and brother both have a PD. My father I'm not so sure of, he is definitely an enabler to their behaviour.

I dealt with years of what I would described as NPD behaviour from my mother. A few years ago I experienced a very deep depression and went to therapy to discuss my childhood which consisted of living in a big house with seemingly successful and respectable parents whilst behind closed doors:

- my parents were partner swapping for decades with various friends with us children in the house being exposed to all sorts
- my brother physically assaulted me on a daily basis escalating to sexual assaults when he hit puberty (sometimes involving his friend in his attacks)
- lots of drug problems with my brother and alcohol problems with my father
- sexual inappopriateness from my father

I had never been close to any of them in adulthood, I moved to another country as soon as I turned 18 but they were always so very good at twisting reality and gaslighting me into thinking they were a nice normal family that it took 3.5 years of therapy to get it all straight. I had it out with my brother and my parents. My parents disowned me.

I haven't seen them for 3 years but they sporadically send me emails telling me I'm mad, that I need to seek 'proper' help (they've decided my very experienced and qualified therapist is a quack), also disingeneous emails like "hey, it's a while since we spoke shall we meet up?" as if the last few years haven't happened. Casually trying to 'friend' me on social media. Telling extended family that I've gone mad. Parcels and letters through the post for my children every christmas and birthday as though there is no estrangement.

We repeatedly told them we felt harassed in our own home, they ignored this. Arranged a solicitor's letter reiterating this last week and on Friday received a solicitor's letter from them stating they have no interest in their relationship with me but that they'd like us to send our unaccompanied pre-pubescent daughters (who haven't seen them in 3 years) for sleepovers with them at their home 3 hours away.

Ok, that's it. Thanks for listening

[Penny Lane]

Welcome! I'm so sorry at what you lived through at the hands of the people who were supposed to protect you. I'm so glad you found a way to protect yourself, through NC. And I'm really glad that you're able to protect your daughters from these people.

I hope the folks here can offer some commiseration and understanding - whatever you're looking for.

I'm glad you're here.

[xredshoesx]

welcome to the group-

i'm sorry that after you've done everything possible to move on from your childhood that your parents refuse to respect your desire to not be close and are now staging some sort of a coup to force you to let them have access to your children.

there are other adult children of PD/uPD posting here about their parents and/or inlaws trying to turn the grandkids into pawns.  tread carefully and let us know what your solicitor recommends.  i know different places have different standards for what 'grandparent visitation is' so you are best advised from them what your next steps are.

we get it and you are not alone-

hope to see you on the boards soon.

[somewhereovertherainbow]

Thank you both.

We are in the UK. The rules here are that to apply to the courts my parents would need to first go to mediation with us (something I have in writing that I have offered many times as I know if I decline it they could apply for a court case). They still refuse mediation.

If they accept mediation now we will have to go. Then they have to seek permission from the court to take us to court. They were never local and never provided any childcare/consistent grandparenting before our estrangement so our solicitor thinks they have little hope of getting what they want.

I believe the point of all this is to torture us for saying 'no' for setting a boundary and refusing to be harassed in our own homes. In some ways I wish they woudl take us to court so we could end it.

[GoodFollow]

Hi and welcome!

[guitarman]

Welcome. You are not alone.

Kris Godinez is an author and counsellor who specialises in Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome and how targets of abuse can cope better.

She gives regular live talks most Sundays on her YouTube channel called "We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez". Her talks are archived on her YouTube and Facebook sites.

I have found her very helpful and insightful.

Guitarman X

[bgirl12]

I am very proud of you for all the work you have done and love you have shown yourself to detach and move on with the rest of your life and heal. This forum and a support group have taught me that it isn't all in vain. Those people will be who they are and will never change. But we have hope no matter what. I would imagine a court hearing would be quite embarrassing for your folks if family secrets were to get out. They don't sound very clever in their case against you. They haven't thought that far, have they? I'm sure the judge would rather not hear all that but I think it would help your case if you had to. You went through a lot of hard work to get to where you are in your life and you don't want your children to be exposed to the same abuse. I know in some courts if the kids are old enough it becomes less of an issue. Get good legal counsel. Fight the good fight and be good to yourself.