610 Days

[clarityneeded]

I told my therapist I cannot believe how long this (leaving) is taking me. I have been truly miserable since 2015 and thinking I was even before that and for so long gave pieces of myself to him to try to make him happy even if it meant I was falling apart.

I look back at the past with shame and hurt but I know there is so much I have repressed and swept under the rug instead of dealing with and feeling as was my coping mechanism.

It's been 610 days since I've let him touch me. 610 days since the line in the sand was crossed and he threw things at me with one making contact. Before that, it was emotional and mental hits and holes punched in the wall. That day, I saw the rage in his eyes and something broke with me. We could never go back to the cycle as it was only going to escalate from here. I would no longer allow him access to my body when he did nothing to protect my heart and soul. That's something I never thought would happen, when I would give him sexual pleasure to try to make him feel better for so many years but was lacking a partner and a consistent, loving relationship. I am proud that it has been 610 days and even more proud that I will live the rest of my life never being intimate with him again.

My therapist tells me I need to be proud of this but then I look at the situation and feel shame.

Here we are 610 days later and here's what's going on:

-We sleep in our bed in shifts. I don't want to be in the bed with him period.

-He does not have a job and I support our two kids and him. I pay all of the household bills, food, clothes, gas, etc...he now feels like one of my children too (gross!)

-I told him our romantic and intimate relationship was over forever almost a year ago and was ready to move out. I froze in my tracks when he told me my moving out would make everything harder for everyone and we should just be roommates (it just dawned on me, roommates usually put in equal work) and then turned very nasty telling me I was abandoning him when he was sick and I knew who he was when I married him. That conversation, I'm still recovering from. It was terrible. The trauma bond is real and I need a machete to cut it.

-He claims he has ADHD and uses that as an excuse for non-functioning but does nothing to try to seek help for it beyond watching some YouTube videos

-I've realized my teenage son feels a lot of the same feelings about his dad that I do...he told me he doesn't even know if his dad loves him and also said his dad is a selfish, manipulative jerk who only cares about himself while crying.

I don't want to live this life anymore. It is killing me...

I know no one can tell me how but that is where I get stuck and I feel the fear come up to the back of my throat.

[square]

I can relate to a lot of that. We have the same timeline, things fell apart here over the course of 2015-2016. And I'm still here, though hoping to move out by end of year. Mine does have a job thankfully but otherwise is also very low functioning. And his odd ways of seeing things has fooled me too, during a time he was not working I also did not understand I was supporting him, which is bizarre and makes no sense at all, yet is true.

At the end of your post you say "this is where I get stuck" - can you expand on where exactly you get stuck? Maybe you don't know exactly, but bouncing it off us could help.

[notrightinthehead]

First of all Congratulations  for sticking to your no touch rule! That can't have been easy and I bet he tried all sorts of strategies to change your mind!

From what I understand he has a comfortable life provided by you. Could there be any way you make it less comfortable? And yes, this means facing your own fear, but you could do it in small incremental steps.

I had a young adult relative living with me once and she treated me like a servant while I fully supported her financially, cleaned, washed, cooked. I felt sorry for her because she had come to me after a terrible blow up with her partner. When I realized what was happening (and typical caretaker that I am, it took a while) I told her that I would not be able to give her any money from now on and I expected her to do chores A,B,C. I was so scared before and while I did it. She had an emotional meltdown, screaming, crying, accusing me of destroying her. It was terrifying and so hard, I felt so cruel (fear, obligation, guilt) but I stayed calm and repeated my message. She never did the chores I asked for, but I stopped doing everything for her too. And she found herself a job and moved out soon after.

I have found that the biggest hurdle that kept me stuck was my fear. And you have reason to be frightened because he has shown you that he is willing to cause damage. And I have learned that giving in to the fear is only making it bigger. There is a mindfulness meditation by Tara Brach, Meeting Fear, that has helped me sometimes.

So while fear is an important feeling and can be life saving, it can also keep us stuck in a well of grief. Facing it, inviting it in, feeling it, and then doing something we are afraid of, that's the way.

You can use this forum to boost your resolve. People on here are very supportive.

[sunshine702]

I learned something interesting regarding fear awhile back that I would like to share.  First responders (cops in tough neighborhood / extreme firefighters)  they do not lack FEAR they have a realistic amount of fear to the situation.  What they do is TRAIN to move tactically while in that state of fear.

Don't let that rising sense of fear stop you.  Continue to move though it, practice that tough conversation on a few people and feel that heart race during it but just keep stumbling through it . 

I am so proud of you all.  This is tough stuff and look at us!!