How to Tell My Father of His Narcissism and Even if I Should?

[TwistedUnicorn]

Hello. Recently, I found out that my father was a narcissist... I would say about a year ago. I had no idea until my current boyfriend, who had a father with narcissism worse than mine, told me he was after venting to him and basically having a mental breakdown (he was telling me he loved me, but he was not treating me as such, calling me a white trash whore for dating someone who was non-Catholic and saying I was going to hell - he is highly "religious", saying that it was my fault that the family was in a beaten down home, calling me a bitch constantly for simple mistakes, that I need to just drop out of college if I am not getting all A's, barging down my door everytime I locked it for privacy (mind you, I was of adult age by that time), being accused of watching porn or fapping to some guy if the door was locked... You get the drift.) Before leaving the home and moving somewhere else far from my family, we were packing my car. I told him I was going to try to bring my chair, since I did not know if they were going to be moving where I was or what. They were looking for a home at the time and were bouncing from house to house. I did not yell and was calm, but due to saying "no" after he told me to keep it there since they were apparently moving - which they always said they did when they laid money down on a new house. So I told him that I wasn't so sure since he's bounced from house to house and just wanted to bring it just in case. He ended up grabbing my wrists furiously, thankfully not bruising. The signs became more and more apparent. He said I was on my way to hell for saying no to him and am to listen to everything he tells me. After dropping my things off to where I now live, they moved. My car ended up having an issue unbeknownst me - piston ring leak - and ended up taking it to the mechanic, the oil very low. I got a sweet call from my father, him telling me that he wanted to beat my face in and should have checked the oil every week (I checked it 3 weeks ago, it was great. It was insane that it was low already!). Him saying he wanted to beat my face in and I need to f*cking listen to him, laughing that he "caught me in another mistake". I have not spoken to him since... But I am today, just over phone. I love my father still, even after he has done this and more to me through my childhood (don't let me mention how he made me anorexic with the fat shaming even though I was healthy, oh, boy). I want to tell him of what he has done, even though he will more than likely tell me that he never said it (gaslighting amnesia). And just ask him to seek help... This will be in a public place, obviously. I just don't know how I should approach him, knowing he gets raged easily and might even physically harm me (not to a major extent in public). I am also afraid of having to leave him completely, and leaving both my mother and my brother behind... Especially my brother, who is having an extremely tough time with him. What are your thoughts, and what would you tell yours if you still loved (wished the best for) the one with narcissism?

[practical]

Welcome to Out of the FOG!

I'm really sorry for everything you have been through and everything your F has said and done to you.

Honestly, I would not raise the topic of his narcissism or how he has treated you. I understand the need you feel to do so, to be heard and seen, for your pain to be acknowledged - unfortunately in my experience it doesn't work this way. Neither my M nor F actually heard what I said, there was no acknowledgement and no change in behavior. It took me a long time to accept there was not going to be any "I'm sorry" or a change in their behavior. And yes, I continued to love my parents despite the abuse for a long time. Write in a journal what you would like to tell your F, or write a letter you'll never send, we have actually a special section for "Unsent Letters" on the forum.

As for your M and brother - Your M is an adult, she can make her own choices, you are not responsible for her, even if you might have grown up feeling you have to protect her, rescue her. As for your B, it depends a little on how old he is, but whatever his age being available to talk to, maybe help him figure out ways to leave home or be less of a target to your F is something you can do for him. You cannot protect him from the everyday attacks by your F, even if you would still live there you couldn't, instead by getting your own life on solid feet, by healing you can show him there is life after leaving home.

Learn as much as is helpful to you about narcissism, there is section about Personality Disorders at the top of this page you might want to check out, more importantly is to take care of yourself, which the Toolbox will help you with (also at the top). Things like the 3C's Rule, Boundaries and more will help you to protect yourself and heal.

Look around the place, there is a lot of information here under the various tabs and reading other members stories, commenting can be very validating and often has let to light bulbs moments for me. This is a very compassionate, supportive group of people and I hope you keep coming back.

[Starboard Song]

I got a sweet call from my father, him telling me that he wanted to beat my face in and should have checked the oil every week (I checked it 3 weeks ago, it was great. It was insane that it was low already!). Him saying he wanted to beat my face in and I need to f*cking listen to him, laughing that he "caught me in another mistake". I have not spoken to him since...

I want to tell him of what he has done, even though he will more than likely tell me that he never said it (gaslighting amnesia). And just ask him to seek help... This will be in a public place, obviously.

If you read many stories on this forum, or reflect on your father's own behavior, you'll likely agree with this statement: the behaviors you are talking about were behaviors he consciously engaged in, and he is unlikely to be awakened from a narcissistic stupor by your confrontation.

You seem to express two great interests: awakening your father to his behavior, and being there for other family. Confronting a narcissist over the past is an unlikely path to success. Establishing strong boundaries and engaging in reduced, structured contact are more likely ways to modify their impact on your life. Strong boundaries and reduced, structured contact could protect you in the future and allow you to serve as a role model for your brother and others in the family.

I'd not confront the narcissist. I'd read a huge amount about how boundaries work. These are not rules for your father: they are statements for yourself, of what you will or will not do or engage with. While a disordered personality can make it impossible to reasonably and reliably enforce boundaries, there are many here who've had success with them.

For instance, if someone expressed violent ideation to me, I'd say very sweetly "Dad, you just said you actually wanted to beat my face in. I do not speak with people who treat me with such crude violence. I love you, so I am going to say goodbye now and let you calm down. Please never again speak that way to me, for it is inappropriate, and I will never again tolerate it." I had just such a conversation with my FIL, though threats of violence were not a component. Because he and his wife could not conform their behavior to even minimum norms of decency and coherence, we at last had to give up and go NC.

By immediately ending visits or calls that go south. By refusing to listen, even, to ugly discourse. By not being at an unreasonable beck and call....you can -- maybe -- maintain a veneer of a relationship that can help your father: it must be a safe one! And you can be there for your brother, showing him a path that is loving and peaceful but iron-willed and strong.

Good luck to you. You deserve safety and peace, and you are loving and decent to care so much for your family.