Scapegoat

[Twinkletoes88]

Hi everyone,

This may sound stupid, but I am pretty sure my sister (my whole FOO actually, but particularly my sister right now) is using me as a scapegoat.  I have read about scapegoats and whilst I understand what it is and how it works, I am struggling to fully understand it in relation to me and her. 

Could someone tell me exactly how it plays out in a sibling relationship for example? 

For my situation I do not see or speak to my mother often.  We are VVLC and have been for about 2 years. I do not speak to her husband (stepfather) at all after he was very abusive on more than one occasion.  Basically my sister says that I am difficult and argumentative and selfish and that I take "ages to get over things".  She thinks I should put my feelings about my mother and stepfather aside despite their horrible treatment of me and my FOC over the last few years (including our wedding!) for the sake of the "family".  I have recently posted about a bbq that I did not attend and this caused my sister to send me messages saying she was angry with me because I should have put myself out and sucked it up for my grandparents.

Am I being used as a scapegoat - the whole "everyone else is fine - it is only you with the problem"?

I do surprise myself that I have a decent amount of knowledge about these things and about dysfunctional families and PD and narcissism but yet find myself struggling to really "get" this bit.  Does she REALLY believe these things or am I just convenient to project onto?

[sarandro]

From my experience, your sister needs you to continue being the SC....otherwise, it will be her and she will do/say anything to keep things as they are.

Don't fall for it, stay strong...no one should have to put up with being made to feel like an outsider and take the blame for everything wrong in the family.
My GC sis and en Bro are doing the same to me....I had to go NC as it was all too much.
They never will see your point of view....they like the status quo.
Looking after your own well being is not selfish.
Realising that things are all wrong and saying so is not argumentative.
You are not difficult, you are self aware, it's just that they are so enmeshed in their behaviour and any attempt to get them to realise this is difficult FOR THEM.
Sometimes, you have to just let go....to save yourselfXXXX

[AnneH]

Hi Twinkletoes,

In my experience being a scapegoat is *all* about, first serving as a punching bag, and then "sucking it up for the sake of the 'family.'" I went NC with the entire FOO more than 3 years ago because that sums up every.single.interaction I had had with any of them for the previous decade. To figure out whether you are being scapegoated, just ask yourself at what point any of your FOO members ever "sucked it up" for you or when anyone ever showed any sincere consideration for *your* feelings and *your* experience, and when anyone ever listened to you and did something about it if *you* pointed out a problem coming from their side. Or are you the only one assigned those tasks in the family?

Here's what being the family scapegoat looked like for me:

I was uHPD sis' and uNM's scapegoat. They would come up with an imaginary problem (for example, when I visited uHPDsis, I inevitably failed to take enough interest in (curt and monosyllabic) BIL or show enough enthusiasm for uHPDsis' wonderful, marvelous, admirable career. (Meanwhile my career was "boring" and my interests "monomaniacal." Moreover I color my hair and prefer water over milk. Don't ask.) uHPDsis would go crying to uNM that we weren't CLOSE enough and didn't have a REAL relationship, and could uNM please FIX it and get me to WORK on our RELATIONSHIP. Once when I failed to take poor uHPDsis, who was "losing sleep over this," seriously and said jokingly, "Oh, I got a bad report card!" uNM admonished me to take the situation seriously as she had terminal cancer and wanted to "fix" the relationship before she passed, and moreover the stress was "bad for her health in her situation."

At no point were *my* feelings and perceptions given the slightest consideration, I was just there to take care of uHPDsis' emotional needs. And "suck it up* for uNM who was ill. At no point was simply not bothering someone who is terminally ill with petty complaints about another adult family member considered as a solution.

After uNM passed, I ended up going NC with uHPDsis first. En bro and ENF then piled the pressure on to keep the family intact ("uNM would not have wanted this" or "uNM was the glue that kept the family together.")  uHPDsis, always the victim, then became a martyr, with En F and en bro constantly talking about the "good" she was doing in the world through her career. Whatever might have incited me to go NC CERTAINLY could not justify cutting ties with someone so WONDERFUL. My presence was only necessary because it was part of uNM's legacy, not for me as a person. 

Of course, when I went NC, I was bombarded with emails about "staying in touch for En F's sake" and "how much this is hurting en bro." Again, nothing was ever or could ever be about me as a person.

In their anger over my NC, and to help POOR uHPD in her DESPERATE attempts to bring us together, they all bought plane tickets to come see me (without so much as asking me about the date). Even though nobody had come over the previous 6 years. (and en F ALWAYS asked his colleagues about their schedules before going to visit them for work). So I was not even worthy of the consideration paid to  a work colleague. 

I left town before they came, they visited the area without me, and I have been NC ever since. 

As for what FOO "actually" believes, does that even matter? Do they ask themselves what *you* believe about them?

[TriedTooHard]

It is very confusing when someone who was also used and abused by the uPD does the same things.  Its part of the triangulation that is the only way she knows how to operate within the family.  Sounds like she watched while someone else marked you as the scapegoat, and it was convenient for her.  For whatever reason, she can't or doesn't want to see the reality.  If she's anything like my siblings, your long stretches of good behavior and showing a good example may be more confusing to her than when you react in anger.   For me, my mistakes are forgiven, but the good times in my life, and my good behavior, can't be tolerated.  My bad behavior and life blunders give them comfort and hope that we can all be back together in a family unit like when we were kids.  Also gives her a chance to use lazy platitudes to think she's working on herself and doing the right thing.  For example, putting a pretty picture on social media with a quote from the bible about forgiveness and how family will always be there. 

[Twinkletoes88]

From my experience, your sister needs you to continue being the SC....otherwise, it will be her and she will do/say anything to keep things as they are.

Don't fall for it, stay strong...no one should have to put up with being made to feel like an outsider and take the blame for everything wrong in the family.
My GC sis and en Bro are doing the same to me....I had to go NC as it was all too much.
They never will see your point of view....they like the status quo.
Looking after your own well being is not selfish.
Realising that things are all wrong and saying so is not argumentative.
You are not difficult, you are self aware, it's just that they are so enmeshed in their behaviour and any attempt to get them to realise this is difficult FOR THEM.
Sometimes, you have to just let go....to save yourselfXXXX

Thank you for this.  I can easily picture my sister sitting around with my npdm and her (enabling) husband all saying how awful I am and how I've "lost my mind" etc etc. I expect it from my ndpm and her en husband but I hoped my sister could prevent herself from agreeing.  Sadly that doesn't seem to be the case!

[Twinkletoes88]

Hi Twinkletoes,

In my experience being a scapegoat is *all* about, first serving as a punching bag, and then "sucking it up for the sake of the 'family.'"

To figure out whether you are being scapegoated, just ask yourself at what point any of your FOO members ever "sucked it up" for you or when anyone ever showed any sincere consideration for *your* feelings and *your* experience, and when anyone ever listened to you and did something about it if *you* pointed out a problem coming from their side. Or are you the only one assigned those tasks in the family?

Thank you for this thoughtful response.  That is exactly how I feel! I literally said several times this week to my husband and to my therapist that I feel that everyone else's feelings matter - apart from mine.  Why does nobody question why it is that I didn't/wouldn't go to these "family" events? Why is anyone even surprised after 2 years of barely any contact?

I am so sorry to read your story and hear how you were the scapegoat. It sounds like you were very strong and I genuinely applaud you for your strength of being able to walk away when you knew you weren't being seen/heard/cared about. 

I remember the first few years after understanding my mother has NPD wanting to explain myself and argue and justify and JADE and I've got over that now - now I understand it is utterly pointless.  Unfortunately I seem to find myself in this place again with my sister who is quite possibly a narcissist herself now. I find myself wanting to shake her and explain MY perspective and ask why MY feelings aren't important - but I know it is pointless.  It would be really very sad to lose her. I've spent my life looking after her and protecting her from my mother but now it feels like I need to walk away.

Thank you again for understanding and explaining.

[Twinkletoes88]

It is very confusing when someone who was also used and abused by the uPD does the same things.  Its part of the triangulation that is the only way she knows how to operate within the family.  Sounds like she watched while someone else marked you as the scapegoat, and it was convenient for her.  For whatever reason, she can't or doesn't want to see the reality.  If she's anything like my siblings, your long stretches of good behavior and showing a good example may be more confusing to her than when you react in anger.   For me, my mistakes are forgiven, but the good times in my life, and my good behavior, can't be tolerated.  My bad behavior and life blunders give them comfort and hope that we can all be back together in a family unit like when we were kids.  Also gives her a chance to use lazy platitudes to think she's working on herself and doing the right thing.  For example, putting a pretty picture on social media with a quote from the bible about forgiveness and how family will always be there.

wow this is really very interesting and thought-provoking... One thing I've really *seen* lately is that when good things happen to me like when I got engaged, when I had an offer accepted on my first house, when I got married - even my hen do, my sister acts completely uninterested and like it isn't a big deal AT ALL.  She refused to plan my hen night unless I invited my mother and she dropped out of the bridesmaid dress fitting literally hours before we were all due to meet.  I realised recently this even comes down to my birthday and her inability to buy me a card.  She just cannot do anything where any kind of attention/fuss is on me. 

Having said that, not long ago I told her that me and my husband were having fertility tests after 3 years of not being able to conceive. I was upset and stressed and confided in her one day when we were out together.  She acted like I had said the most boring, normal, every-day thing and never mentioned it again.  Someone I knew died and again- it was like nothing had happened.  It's like I'm not even a real person.  I told someone recently that I liken her relationship with me to that of a child and it's mother where it doesn't *see* it's mother as an actual person with her own life/problems etc. 

I sometimes get upset when I see how loving and kind she is towards others.  Her friends, her boyfriend and even our NPDm and en-husband.  But not me.  Never me. 

WHY??

I thinks he's very angry with me. I don't know what for. 

Since I went VVLC with our NPDm and her en-husband, she has been promoted to GC and so I thought she would be happy but I still seem to be the bad guy.  Now I am the bad guy for not going to the family party despite the fact I don't speak to the blummin family hardly ever - go figure!

[StayWithMe]

Basically my sister says that I am difficult and argumentative and selfish and that I take "ages to get over things".

Dr. Phil says that there are no statutes of limitations on how you feel.

[KeepONKeepingON]

Hi Twinkletoes,

In my sibling relationship with my sister, I am the scape goat as I was with my mother.

I think that there are two main reasons for this:

1. Triangulation and taught behaviour - my mother played my sister and I off against each other. We had to compete for any affection and attention and we were always compared with one another. As the eldest, I became the surrogate mother, cooked, cleaned, and was my mother's therapist from a young age. When my mother flew into a rage, she physically abused me on a regular basis.

My mother mostly treated me with contempt, dismissed my feelings, achievements and opinions and constantly put me down. When I was in contact with my sister, my sister repeated this pattern of behaviour towards me.

2. Repressed rage - while my sister was my father's GC and has received favourable treatment from my father, I think she's angry at him. I think deep down, she knows that her relationship with my father is not healthy. Although he worships her, I think from an early age he emotionally overshared and made her responsible for his feelings. I think rather than deal with her feelings, she takes her anger out on others and in inappropriate ways.

Whenever I have disagreed or tried to set boundaries with her, her response has been really over the top. She has flown into a rage, refused to listen to anything I have said, or to compromise and she has accused me of being mentally ill.

GC sis will be the executor of Enfather's will. She also threatens to sell my parent's house if Enfather needs to go a nursing home. I guess she enjoys threatening BPD mother. I think that's a cruel thing to do, but I stay out of the whole situation.

To figure out whether you are being scapegoated, just ask yourself at what point any of your FOO members ever "sucked it up" for you or when anyone ever showed any sincere consideration for *your* feelings and *your* experience, and when anyone ever listened to you and did something about it if *you* pointed out a problem coming from their side. Or are you the only one assigned those tasks in the family?

As for what FOO "actually" believes, does that even matter? Do they ask themselves what *you* believe about them?

I have two small children and my Dh and I are yet to receive any help and support. Demands are made of us and I am expected to drop everything and help, without thanks or any consideration for my needs. I am LC with enfather and brother.

[Tricia64]

It is the worst feeling for me when I  get blamed for things that I had nothing to do with and did not cause in any way.  And if a number of people act like I am  "crazy", it is like I feel like I must be to blame.  It isn't true but it does very much feel like it is true.  It is confusing and upsetting.  It makes me doubt myself in a number of different areas.  I lose confidence.

But I am trying to try to start trusting my own feelings.   Overall, I am very logical so I can get from point A to B logically but understanding it emotionally is a completely different thing for me.  I have come to believe (through DBT and wise mind) that logical mind and emotional mind are two very separate things.  While you may understand logically, your emotional mind sometimes has a hard time accepting reality.  I really believe it takes our emotional minds a long time to catch up to logic.  That is why our feelings are so messed up and disorienting.  You feel and believe two completely different things at the same time.

But I know I am trying to really tell myself how much my feelings count.  It is terrible to feel like you are a nothing to people.  I know that feeling extremely well.  I know mentally I can't really do it anymore but I don't really know how to move on.

I think VLC may be thing.  It is much easier said than done to me.  I feel in terrible pain.