Where have I been?

[Danie]

A couple of weeks ago I visited my BPD mom and bought her some compression socks. At that time she said she needed another cane for walking in her house (she has 2 now). She doesn't ask me directly, but she just tells me what she needs. I have taken a break from her because of Christmas --- I have severe PTSD from her.

I now have a little more time and could do another thing for her, but I would need to call her and check with her.

Here's my issue:  I am anxious just thinking about it, She will say, "Where have you been?" or some other shaming-blaming question.  I don't have a consistent obilgatory relationship with her at all!  It's really obvious to me it's her way of projecting or blaming or manipulating me by saying "Where have you been"?

She doesn't wait for an answer, it's mostly a statement to me that I'm at fault for not contacting her around Christmas.

Can you help me and break this down for me and help me not feel shamed and anxious?

[Blueberry Pancakes]

I think such a statement "Where have you been?" is a way of passively-aggressively telling us that we are behaving in a way they do not like. I also think they are not looking for us to answer. I think it might just be a statement intended to convey disapproval and hope it instills guilt. Ultimately maybe they think guilt will prompt us to behave in ways more to their liking. I think they intend that statement to control our behaviors.             
         
I hear that same thing frequently from my mom. I mostly expect it. It is part of what prevents me from calling more frequently or for any casual purpose. I also feel anxiety anticipating it before I even pick up the phone.  I usually ignore it, but it gets hard to hear over and over. I used to wonder how they could greet me with those words and think it would actually be something I would want more of and be drawn in closer. It is not just those few spoken words though. It is the feeling that results from it and the invisible but palpable undercurrent of disapproval, guilt and shame. 

I don't know if any of that makes sense, but it is what I have thought about it with my own parents. I am not sure there is anything to say to prevent them from saying it, but I believe you can do things to not take on any of the shame and guilt. It is not yours and you do not own that. I believe it reflects them and not you. Observe and release it.

[Cat of the Canals]

My instant reaction is: Where has she been?

My PDmom loves to play this game. Nearly every phone call, the first thing out of her mouth is something along the lines of, "Oh, you are still alive." 

She also used to play a game with me where she'd have enDad tell me that she's "very upset you haven't called and is refusing to call you until you call her." This is behavior I'd expect from a child. Worse, I used to fall for it!

So here are some questions for you: Does she call you? Ask how you are? Think of acts of service she might do for you the way you do for her? Give any indication that she thinks this relationship goes both ways? My guess is no.

Even if she did make attempts to get in touch with you, it doesn't sound like she's a very pleasant person to be around. My mother is at least capable of putting on a show of being "nice." Not so much with my PDmil. She is a miserable person who rarely has a nice word to say about anyone. Who would want to spend time with someone like that? NO ONE. So is it really such a mystery why she has no friends and many of her family members avoid her?

I'd suggest -- if you are always the one expected to make contact -- when your mother pulls the "Where have you been" game, turn it around on her. "Oh around. Why? Have you tried getting in touch? I didn't see your name on the caller ID." 

[Happypants]

Could you have a question lined up in response - "just busy with Xmas and everything" (then quickly on to) "Have you/did you see/speak to etc?"...

I know it's difficult. I get the question when I avoid justifying my lack of contact, but always know she'll give the OTT high pitched "happpypaaaants" when I do answer.

I often think much of the anticipatory anxiety in this situation comes from trying to be prepared with an answer that will get her off my back while also allowing me to keep my boundaries intact and have no physical reaction - I know from experience that that answer doesn't exist. So it's about diversion tactics and reminding myself that it's she who turned our exchanges into this soul-sucking experience. I'm so sorry she puts you through this x

[daughter]

She can pose rhetorical question, meaning attempt to goad you in this manner. My own nmom often did this too.  But you can prepare yourself beforehand, anticipate the trigger statements, and not respond.  Let your non-response silence be answer.  No answer is firmest rebuttal.  Selective listening can be effective tool here. Don't engage in her goading, change subject to some banality.

[Danie]

Thank you everyone. I still haven't contacted her.