Bereaved uNPD friend

[Kaz1956]

I have a friend who lost his husband suddenly 9 months ago. He's always been difficult, exhibiting many uNPD traits and his husband was lovely but the classic enabler. The husband filtered and protected us from most of our friends behaviours but get together always meant everyone was on eggshells around him to varying degrees. I guess we allowed a lot as we overall enjoyed our group dynamic.

Since the husband's death, our friend has leaned on us and me in particular heavily. He calls over the smallest thing such as his leg hurts, texts multiple times most days, and has visited a lot, staying several nights each time. He's relentlessly negative about everything and talks about himself nonstop, not a new trait but it is exhausting to be around.

We are compassionate about his situation and grief but what's becoming apparent is that we are not now being protected by the deceased partners enabling and are getting the full blast of his uNPD traits. It reached a point a month ago where we both felt boundaries needed to be placed with him. As I had a planned catch up with him it fell to me.

I planned ahead what I felt needed to be said and clearly but kindly explained that we were exhausted and feeling mentally impacted by the degree of support he was demanding of us and his relentless negativity. I gave him examples and explained that we care for him and wanted him to build a new life but that we couldn't continue as things were. He asked what we wanted and I explained that we felt overly enmeshed in his life and would appreciate some space and not being drawn into things that didn't concern us. Examples were disputes with other people, wrangles with his insurers, general gripes and complaining.

He responded well at the time. He agreed readily that he could see he'd been overloading us and me especially. He said he was changing and becoming a nicer and more patient person and he couldn't believe I hadn't noticed the changes. I said that it was positive that he was going in that direction but so far we had not seen that version of him. The chat ended amicably with him saying it had been good to clear the air.


I felt a huge sense of relief that the boundaries had been reset and that it had gone well. I was also relieved to have some distance from him and his incessant demands on my time and energy.

As the weeks since have gone by he's since not called or texted once. He will respond to messages but will not initiate contact. My husband and I have taken turns to call and check in every week. With my husband he is warm and chatty but with me he is cool and business like.

I felt that this was his issue and that in time he'd adjust however I'm not sure now. Yesterday my husband said that he felt we should invite him down for a night as it had been several months now since his last visit. I was OK with that as long as it was just one night.

My husband called to catch up and in the conversation extended the invitation. Our friend then said that he believed that I didn't want him to visit any longer. My husband said that wasn't true and that we had discussed inviting him and had both agreed.

I'm sensing triangulation here which is triggering for me having had both parents uNPD and three siblings. I was the family scapegoat and can feel that I'm developing anxiety from anticipating the worst. I know how things can cascade badly with an uNPD who feels slighted or rejected.  Neither occurred but victim mentality means he now seems to have filtered the chat after the event. I'm concerned about wider repercussions ie scapegoating, propaganda campaigns, playing the victim, black and white thinking and more.

It would be natural with almost anyone else to quietly let the distance open up with this friend but it's complicated by several things. He is also my husband's cousin and we have longstanding plans for an overseas trip laster this year with other mutual friends.

My husband says that we should just act normally and that it's up to him to adjust to the new boundaries. I'm torn as to whether my husband should have his own boundaries chat along the lines of supporting that the first chat was representing us both and that he doesn't want to see blaming or scapegoating directed at me.

It feels complicated so I'd value anyone's thoughts on how to navigate it all. Thanks ❤️

[bloomie]

Kaz1956 - bravo to you for having an honest, difficult conversation with someone you care very much for in hopes to preserve the relationship! That is what love, support and concern looks like and is so rarely seen.

This is someone who it seems is part of your life package at least for the foreseeable future. I am assuming he accepted the invitation to visit. Would it be reasonable or appropriate, when he arrives to stay, to not let this be an elephant in the room, but to say something like: "I know we are all figuring out the new normal since (husband) died and it can be a bit clunky. I'm glad you are here and happy to see you!"

And then move on with enjoying each other's company? 

My own experience with something similar is that the friend (in my case) with very strong N tendencies and a lack of sensitivity to anyone else in the room needing oxygen, too  is that when I kindly established limits they didn't know what to do next. The assumption was I rejected them and didn't want to be around them any more.

Possibly, you can show this friend/family member that resetting the atmosphere and exchanges of the relationship between you actually improves it and is out of love and caring - for yourself and for them - by overlooking their awkwardness and uncertainty and being your lovely, hospitable selves.

[Kaz1956]

Thanks Bloomie, that's good advice. Your situation sounds very similar to mine.

He didn't accept the invitation but we will be seeing him socially with others in a week.

I'm struggling with feelings of being triggered given my PD family history. It never ended well.

I like your suggestion of a reset statement though so will work on how best to communicate around that. ❤️

[bloomie]

Kaz1956 - let us know how you are doing in this tough spot!

I'm struggling with feelings of being triggered given my PD family history. It never ended well.

This makes perfect sense to me! When setting boundaries and kindly speaking the truth ends a relationship or at least creates a huge ruckus it is hard to trust the process to resolve well. Hoping with you that this time, even if awkward for a bit, it will allow you all to stay in connection with each other.