Can anyone interpret this

[Tryingtounderstand]

So i posted about my personal issues with my SO in another thread. There was something said to me by her that i still have trouble understanding. When i returned home after being away for a year trying to repair our relationship she said out of the blue "thank you for not giving up on me" i replied "i never gave up on us"and "thank you". What bothers me is i really felt i should have been the one saying those words to her at the time. There was also a part of me that wanted to say "but you gave up on me" During reconciliation i felt like i failed the relationship and it was all my fault the problems we had. I beat myself up pretty good and that statement threw me for a loop. I don't understand the purpose when i felt i was to blame.

[square]

1) Are you familiar with the concept of a trauma bond?

2) What would it mean if you actually did give up on her? What would it say about you?


As for your question, I wonder if you and she have similar feelings, that you both struggle with simultaneously feeling abandoned by the other and feeling, with great relief, that you have not been abandoned.

[Tryingtounderstand]

Thank you square! You truly are the voice of reason

[SonofThunder]

I will add a few thoughts, assuming your SO is a PD and that I am understanding what occurred prior (i may not). 

When I am interacting with, and trying to understand a PD, I must always remember that 'self' is a PD's motived fuel supply and that PD's don't internally feed/fuel themselves. Therefore, 'motive is everything'. My radar is always seeking to detect the true motive in play. 

A couple principles I believe are always in gear for a PD and with knowledge and awareness, they become a continuous improvement tool for my understanding and recognition of PD motive. 

-Karpman Drama Triangle: (3 roles: Perpetrator, Victim, Rescuer). In a PD's life, they will always be playing one role and the target is manipulated to play another of the three. The ultimate goal for a PD in this continuous role-dance is to get back to 'victim'. Imo all roles provide the PD 'self' fuel, but victimhood provides the most. 

-IDD Cycle (Idealize, Devalue, Discard).  Imo, I believe the IDD in PD relationships is a much grander/longer cycle motive and the drama triangle is a smaller/shorter tool used by a PD to assist in cycling the larger IDD. 

Imo, "Thank you for not giving up on me" implies that the PD's finger is pointing at the "you" for the verb of "giving up".  It may have been delivered in a kind tone, but the real motive is "..on me"; the focus was not an "us" or a "you".  You are the perpetrator who is being labeled by the PD, by assumed "giving up" on the false victim. PD's use 'projection' to flip the script on the true victim of their emotional and/or other types of abuse. 

In this case, if mistreatment of you by the persecutor-PD caused you to victim-depart, you were the true victim. Is it fair to say that upon departure, you were then made out to be the perpetrator for leaving (a projection-flipped role = more PD fuel) and the PD has been dancing the victim role in this ordeal? (more fuel btw)

Upon returning, more manipulation (gaslighting) may be in play as the PD creatively thanks you for not continuing your departure, which is very confusing to hear from the person who caused your departure.

F.O.G. is very confusing and a PD will keep relationships as foggy as possible, because it enhances their manipulation. PD's condition in others to create F.O.G.

I may not understand your situation but again, the IDD cycle and drama triangle (also a cycle) are how PD's keep the food around so they can feed/fuel. 

SoT

[Tryingtounderstand]

Thank you for that in depth interpretation Sono. In a nutshell i was given to believe i was the issue. When the comment to me was made i felt a sense of intimacy and connection between. Later i thought about it again and i felt confused because of the guilt i felt during our reconciliation.

[SonofThunder]

Thank you for that in depth interpretation Sono. In a nutshell i was given to believe i was the issue. When the comment to me was made i felt a sense of intimacy and connection between. Later i thought about it again and i felt confused because of the guilt i felt during our reconciliation.

Tryingtounderstand, thank you for the further clarity of the situation, for my better understanding.

SoT