I think I have to move in the middle of the pandemic. BUT, progress!

[Blackbird11]

Hi Everyone,

It's been a while but I just wanted to post an update:

- Been doing an in-home separation from my uPDh for just over a year now. It has been unpleasant but not violent/unsafe. In the last few weeks he has been turning on the "nice" mode a lot more often. Regardless of his motivations, it's much easier to deal with him when he is "nice." However, he does not want the marriage to end and always makes a point to say that it's what I want and he still loves me and is willing to try again at our relationship (um, ok, Mr. I was on dating apps 2 months into separation and am worried about how I'm going to survive off my income because I was financially abusing my wife who makes more money than me and now she realizes it and I am screwed.  ). 

-  We started drafting an online divorce agreement and we agree to most of the terms. I'm going to walk through the tentative agreement with my attorney this week to ensure everything is solid and I'm not screwing anything up (much cheaper to do it this way since we barely have any money. He has no problems with the custody arrangement for our son. I was able to talk him out of me giving him alimony, thankfully).

- So because we are in literally hundreds of thousands of dollars of debt, we need to sell our house - that I love - in the middle of a pandemic. We cannot afford to pay our bills. I can no longer ask my family to bail me out. uPDh will keep spending money and performing unecessary renovations to the home if we don't just get rid of it. Plus, a lot of his projects are unfinished.

I literally begged uPDh to just temporarily move in with his mom - who has plenty of space - so that I could stay in the house with my son/dog until the end of the pandemic. He would pay towards some of the house/living bills and I would pay the majority of them. He would lose no ownership in the home. He refuses to do this.

So, now I'm looking at houses with my friend who is a real estate agent. I'm praying that my credit isn't so horrible that I will get approved for a new, smaller house (I don't want to rent - the rentals are so expensive in my area it makes more financial sense to buy. However, if my house sells and I can't find anything, I will need to rent.).

Is this an ideal time to move? No. Not at all. I'm terrified of the idea of it. I'm scared of how my son (not yet 3) will adjust to not only his dad moving out but also a new home. It breaks my heart to move out of my town because we got a really good deal on our current home in a place with a wonderful community and school system.

But, I'm not in a "normal" relationship. I'm currently living with someone who behaves inconsistently and is still trying to manipulate me. I have no savings account. Every month I have a panic attack over my bills. I'm back on medication because my anxiety has been through the roof the past few weeks. This house and continuing to be in close proximity to this person is costing me my sanity. I can't live like this anymore.  I've spoken to experts over the past year (divorce lawyer, bankruptcy attorneys and 3 different financial advisors). The quickest and easiest route out of this is to divorce, sell house, pay debt and move - detaching myself from any legal/financial connection to this man.

[losingmyself]

Sorry to hear you're going through this, Blackbird.
I don't have any advice, just sending support and virtual hugs

[sad_dog_mommy]

Hang in there Blackbird!  It sounds like you are heading in the right direction.   Unfortunately we non-PDs have to make all the moves because they are too comfortable (or lazy) with the status-quo to make any decisions and stick to them.

The finances will work out in your favor.  I was pleasantly surprised each month when I was no longer supporting a freeloading PD. 

Just keep your eyes focused straight ahead towards your future.  Life is so peaceful on the other side.

(( hug ))

[ToAudrey]

Another show of support and virtual hugs. All of that is hard at any time but the middle of a pandemic just adds so much more.

[Blackbird11]

Thank you all!

Sad dog mommy, even though he has complained about our living situation and keeps "threatening" that he will move out (I can dream), I'm sure he would stay in this house until next year if I kept quiet. He's fine accumulating more credit card debt, buying things we can't afford, and pretending that everything is good. 

[ToAudrey]

Oh those threats of leaving! I keep thinking of how with the early ones I should have called the bluff. I do dream of it happening too.

[hhaw]

Blackbird:

I'm sorry this is happening to you and your son...ane even your stbxpd, bc he's suffering too. 

That's is struggle shows up as.....
self-destructive debt accumulation....(because he's sinking you too... that's what's important.)
::nodding::
self-destructive living arrangements, creating unhappiness for everyone, unnecessarily ....
self-destructive (upcoming) stalling tactics,  sabotage, and heinous fCKry creating MORE debt, more trauma and more wasted time that will absolutely impact your shared 3yo son.

I saw you posted stbx "agreed" not to go for alimony... but that's not true UNLESS he's signed a document that's binding in a court of law.  IME, PDs are pathologically unable to agree to anything, even things that benefit them.   

If you limit settlement agreement  talks to ONLY talks where both parties, and whomever is representing them, agrees to handwrite out the AGREEMENT, sign it, file it and give each party a filed and stamped copy.... you don't have an AGREEMENT.  What you likely have is a PD dragging his feet, pretending to agree, or agreeing then CHANGING his mind bc he FEELS it's not a fair agreement OR to punish you, throw you off balance, destroy that peaceful feeling you seem to have since coming to that AGREEMENT.

Sometimes they agree, send attorneys to "craft" an AGREEMENT between themselves, spend thousands of dollars.... get it JUSSSST right, THEN refuse to sign it, saying they prefer court.

So, it's not a bad idea to show your willingness to settle by asking for the handwritten agreement... that shows good faith on your part, and bad faith on  the PD's part IF he refuses.  It's a shortcut that might save you a lot of time, money and mental anguish when your hopes of settling are dashed again and again.

Never stop preparing your case.  Document like crazy.  Put everything in writing.  Think through best case scenario child custody and visitation agreement... make sure you get EVERYTHING you have to have to protect your son and your mental health.

This won't be over easy.  It won't be over quickly.  Sometimes a trial IS your quickest path to the exit door.  Don't fear a trial.... I know it costs more than settling,  but pretend settlement discussions, without a settlement, just ads  to the cost of a trial....  and you need your resources to finish this.

Your stbx pd might have a plan to waste all your money THEN ask for a trial so he can stop you from going forward with the divorce.  Crazier things happen with PDs' IME.

Good luck, remember to look your son in the eye and BE present with him.... seek out joy, and put this divorce PD story on the shelf when you can.... in other words don't worry worry worry without end.  Do what you can, then turn to your child and life and joy where you can find it.  Go out into nature.   Meditate.  Breathe..... practice breathing from the bottom of your lungs... filling them to the top.  It helps restore integrated brain function so you think logically and have access to creative problem-solving.... which you need, I promise.

I also promise this too shall pass. 

[Blackbird11]

Thanks for the advice hhaw! We're using an online divorce service - you fill in the template, they generate the forms with response and file on your behalf. I'm waiting to push him on approval (he has to login and signoff on it before we can file) until I speak to my attorney. But as you say - I can only seem him abusing the process and making it take longer than it should if we get attorneys involved. If that happens, I can see myself quitting my job and moving in with my son into my mom's - even though she does not have a lot of space. It's a roof though. I won't be able to afford childcare and I won't be able to continue living with him because he will still be stalling. I'm not going to subject us to further abuse and manipulation at that point. I'd rather just re-join the full-time workforce when my son starts first grade in 3 years. It's not ideal but I'd get a lot of quality time with my kid!

[hhaw]

Quality time, with your child, will seem like the very best investment 5 years down the road,  IME. 

You can't control the PD. You can't be nice enough, compromise enough....  IME. 

Making a plan, then sailing it with economy of motion, is the strategy I recommend.   I always always weakened my position when I did something the PD asked me to do in exchange for something (he never followed through with, btw.)  He always trapped me or, as he said....
"Tricked you again, you dumb b&tch."

I wish I could get alllll that trying to settle things, outside court, BACK.   Cut him off... completely, only communicated through attorneys.  Never spent time with him... at all.  Moved away... far away, before filing.  Oh,  Lord, if only. 

Good luck to you...

[Blackbird11]

Making a plan, then sailing it with economy of motion, is the strategy I recommend.   I always always weakened my position when I did something the PD asked me to do in exchange for something (he never followed through with, btw.)  He always trapped me or, as he said....
"Tricked you again, you dumb b&tch."

This is such a great reminder. THANK YOU! Sometimes we get tricked into thinking they are being reasonable. There is never reasonable. There is no cooperation. It's all manipulation, smoke and mirrors. WE CANNOT FORGET THIS!

This is why, if he does not agree to the cut and dry online divorce filing, then I will say screw it, leave the house, pay the attorney retainer and let them handle it from there on out.  I will immediately stop engaging in discussions with him about it. You are right - they are a black hole. Their reasoning seems to lack all logic and rationality.

I'm so sick and tired of giving him my time and attention. My son is starting to act out a little, and I want to be there for him. Not for a grown man who can't get his &$%@# together!

[JustKeepTrying]

Blackbird11

I hope this helps on the house front - due to covid there are fewer houses on the market and some people still need to move regardless.  I have noticed that houses are selling very quickly over the US.  Don't despair - you may do better than you think.

You sound so strong and ready to take on the world.  I like the the don't f@#$ with me attitude!!

[Blackbird11]

Thanks JustKeepTrying! Good news: I might be able to keep my house. I think I figured out a way.

[blunk]

Just a thought. Once I had my bpdx served, the next step was financial affidavits. In my state (not sure if it is the same everywhere), once the financial affidavits are filed with the court, you are not permitted to incur any additional "joint" debt. Each party becomes responsible for any debt incurred after that point. This may help to protect you if he is continuing to spend recklessly.

So glad that you are moving forward. I will keep my fingers crossed that you are able to keep the house that you love so much.

[JustKeepTrying]

Good input blunk

In my state is the same but no extra expenses can be incurred once papers are served.  There is understanding for apartment finding, etc but nothing that is extreme.  They were very cautious at this step at the courthouse.