Dad is in the hospital

[walking on broken glass]

This is a follow up from my 'low contact turned into no contact' post.

My dad is currently in the hospital in critical condition. My mum can see him once every day for ten minutes and get updates from the doctors. I called her just now and she was in a rush to hung up, saying 'no changes, as before'. I tried to get some more info from her but she said she would call me when she gets home. I imagine this means she will have a very long conversation with sister first and I will have to wait until they finish and then get the full update. Worst case scenario, she will tell my sister to call me and update me but I am hoping this is not realistic because of the distance I have been keeping from her.

Given that my mum announced my dad's admission to the hospital to me with a text message, I am almost expecting a text message that says 'your dad died'. I am trying not to go crazy making all sorts of scenarios but this is a challenging situation to navigate. I told my mum yesterday we are thinking of flying over on Thursday (there is a direct flight then) and asked what she thinks, and she couldn't give me a clear answer and said to wait until we have more news. At the end of the conversation I said 'we'll be here, just call us whenever, if you feel like it or need something' and she said 'like what are you going to do from where you are?'
Trying not to take things personally because I know she is under a lot of pressure but it looks like sis gets the sweet, nurturing side of her, and I am the outlet for her anxiety. Sigh 😔

[Rebel13]

I'm so sorry! Would you be able to get updates by calling the hospital? Sometimes they will do that for family members over the phone. It doesn't help your relationship with your mom but at least you could get more frequent information, independently.

[walking on broken glass]

Thank you Rebel.
I am flying there with my partner tomorrow so I'll have first hand information.
Is it weird that I dread the family dysfunction more than the actual emergency?

[walking on broken glass]

Great now sis is messaging me asking if I have 'five minutes to talk'. I don't want to talk to her but is this cruel, given that she is on her own far away?

[Rebel13]

1) What do you want to do, in your gut? If you could do anything, with no backlash, would you talk to her?
2) If you decide to talk to her, you could say, "I do have JUST five minutes," and literally set a timer. When it goes off, "Oh, that's all the time I have, take care." You could make up a story about how you have to get something out of the oven or dinner's ready or it's time to leave to pick up the kids or whatever.
3) If you don't want to talk to her, it's OK to say, "No, sorry, it's too hectic getting ready for the trip/traveling/recovering from jet lag/getting settled/having spent the day at the hospital to see Dad. I'll let you know when I have time to talk." If she bugs you about it, you can ignore or block.

Good luck, and it's OK to put your needs first.

[walking on broken glass]

In the end I ignored her message and replied much later saying 'I was getting ready for the trip, we will talk later'.

Being home has been weird. My mum is scared of COVID so she had put on a mask and did not even hug me or got close to me when I came home. I understand her concern but we will be living in the same house. She seemed super stressed (understandable) and just gave me instructions about where to find food before she disappeared to get to the hospital. I don't feel exactly welcome. Perhaps I am unfair and she was just overwhelmed but this was super weird.

She was on Skype with sis until the minute we arrived. I know because she left the laptop open on the kitchen table with the history of the calls with my sister on. I guess that was a subtle invitation for me to call her but there is no way I can face sis right now.

I always knew this but it is sinking in: how big my dad's presence was in the house. He was in charge of most things and the most social of the two, and my mum must feel truly lost. Yet she refuses to let me look after her and behaves as if I were still a child (like with the food). I sometimes think she may love me but I don't think she necessarily likes me.

[moglow]

Just keep breathing and holding your center. Do what's needed and make sure you have contact with dad whenever possible. Your mother's pressure is all on her and you can't fix that for her - he's in the hospital receiving care. That much at least isn't her responsibility for now. Everyone will be on edge and feeling their way through. If it gets really uncomfortable, don't think for a minute you have to stay there in it or explain otherwise. I'm sure you can find hotel or airbnb nearby if needed.

[walking on broken glass]

We had bad news today. Doctor said we should prepare for the worst. My sis is being a nightmare, asking for all sorts of weird medical details that of course we don't have. She said to my mum that she can't take time off unless she shows her boss a death certificate and that she must use her annual leave if she comes. She also said she can come on Thursday even though there are flights every day. Today she didn't wait for us to come back from the hospital even though it wasn't very late where she was. She turned everything off so we will have to give her the update tomorrow. I said to my mum we tell her how things are and she can decide what she wants to do. If she comes we will go to a hotel.

[moglow]

it's all I've got right now, but know you're not alone. You're not responsible for others decisions, excuses, complaints etc. Breathe

[moglow]

it's all I've got right now, but know you're not alone. You're not responsible for others decisions, excuses, complaints etc. Breathe!

[walking on broken glass]

Thank you ♥️
Sister is coming on Tuesday and I am bracing myself for her antics. She behaves like a child that needs to be looked after. I have so much anger and I hope I will be able to contain it.

[Rebel13]

Oh, thinking of you and wishing you the best. Strength and self care in this time of difficulty!

[walking on broken glass]

I told my mum we are going to an Airbnb when my sis arrives and she wasn't happy. She said there is space for everyone. While I think the Airbnb is a good idea, I feel guilty. I am thinking of all sorts of scenarios. If my dad dies, is it inappropriate for us to be in the Airbnb? Should I make an effort to be in the same place as sis? What if my partner leaves - he will have to go back in a week's time - and sis is still here? I won't have an argument for living separately. I am thinking of all the practical sides of things that will need to be done and how my mum is clueless about how most of the things work (she can't even access her account online) and how is won't be of any help. I am freaking out silently

[Rebel13]

I won't have an argument for living separately.

Oh yes you will! "I need some time by myself to decompress during this stressful time."

There you go.

Please repeat as often as needed:  "It is OK to prioritize what I need, at least some of the time!"

I can't remember if I included this in my loooooong story about going NC with my mom, but when I visited her last year and she had a major meltdown all over me, I decided NOT to spend the night at her house as planned. Instead, I returned to the airport hotel at around check-in time, got a room, put in a load of laundry, swam for 30 minutes and walked for 30 minutes on the treadmill. I struggled with this decision a little bit, but at bottom it felt right, and I was so glad I did it. I was able to return to my mom's house the next morning and calmly eat breakfast with her before going home.

Also, in this internet age, SO many things are possible from a distance, especially things like online banking. You can take that over until your mom is able to handle it. You can do Zoom or Facetime calls to help her figure out things around the house, or you can hire someone local to help her if possible, necessary, and appropriate. You do not need to be on your own with this! Hang in there!

[walking on broken glass]

Sister came last night and she has already managed to make everything 100 times worse.
This morning she implied that my husband shouldn't come to the hospital because 'it wasn't necessary'. I told her he is coming and he also drove the car there. On the way to the hospital she was shouting directions to him from the back seat even though we knew where we were going. At some point he said to her very lightheartedly, listen, I know where I am going, back seat drivers can calm down. She said 'I will shut my mouth then and you can just talk to my sister'. Of course she didn't shut her mouth but when we arrived at the hospital she told him he was horrible to her, and he attacked and offended her while she was only trying to help and this is unacceptable. He said I didn't attack you and she kept going. I intervened and said nobody attacked anyone, there is no reason for this argument and we are here to see dad. My mum stayed silent. She kept talking about this and justifying herself even outside the ICU. I practically had to push her in to make her stop. Afterwards she came to me and said 'is X always that aggressive?' I said he is not aggressive and changed the subject.

She is just a horrible person. I don't know how I will manage to get through the rest of the days with her here. And it's only going to get worse.

[Rebel13]

Good thoughts and compassion for you from me. Do whatever you can to take care of yourself. Can you go to the hospital at different times? Can she get a rideshare and go on her own, and then you go later? Whatever you can do to make space for yourself!!

[walking on broken glass]

Thank you Rebel ☺️
Unfortunately they only allow visits for half an hour every day so we have to go together. I am hoping tomorrow she will behave. She also pretends to have all the medical knowledge and pesters the doctors for technical information (she is not a doctor, but she studied biomedicine and thinks she is an expert in everything).
I am so glad we got the Airbnb. We can go there to recuperate.

[walking on broken glass]

So we know that my dad has next to zero chances to pull through. My sister chose to blame the doctors, blame the hospital, and get my mum all worked up by basically saying that if they had handled things differently he wouldn't be in this position now. She makes want to scream 'SHUT UP' but mum is enthralled by her and she thinks she has some sort of superior knowledge. She uses our dad's condition to show off about her 'medical knowledge' (which is non existent by the way). I told her that we have no reason not to trust the doctors and this conversation doesn't help and she got enraged. I am trying to be as calm as possible and employ the medium chill technique but I don't know how long I can keep my cool. She pushes all my buttons.

[Rebel13]

I'm sooooo glad you got the AirBnB! A retreat space, when you just can't take any more, is priceless. Still sending you virtual warm fuzzies. A parent's death is one of the most difficult and stressful life events anyone can go through. The fact that you are still walking around given the amount of aggravation your sister is adding to the situation is amazing. Hang in there!

[walking on broken glass]

Yesterday she was saying to us that she has a friend who got married to a Scottish guy who was really stingy and made her parents pay rent when they came to visit. My husband is Scottish.