Speaking up

[11JB68]

Uocpdh's heart attack has really affected my Outlook.
I'm angry at him, and also angry at myself for being his enabler.
I spent a bunch of time today online trying to find a therapist, couldn't find oveyr who takes my insurance and has the expertise I want.
Got into it with h tonight about food.
He is brutal. He will get defensive and start trying to use/weaponize logic and math to prove his ridiculous point and support his own flawed thinking.
I told him that I had not been a 'good wife' that I had been an enabling wife.
I am so done with just bending to his will. But not he refuses to lose an argument!

[NumbLotus]

What are you doing to enable him? What is he fighting you to do/keep doing?

[11JB68]

I have enabled him our entire marriage. Whether I'm a whimp or really have reason to be scared of him I'm not sure. But he does scare me and I hate fighting, so I cave on everything, always have. I try to have rules, limits, boundaries...I never win. It's always what he wants, for him, for me, for ds.
I tried to get him to eat healthy, go to a Dr, get exercise, stop smoking. He insisted on doing it his way. Even now he will start throwing his own flawed 'logic' at me when I try to explain healthy eating to him.

[NumbLotus]

You can't make your H eat healthy, exercise, go to the doctor, stop smoking.

You're not enabling him by failing to get him to change.

Are there other ways you feel you may be enabling him?

I've been cowed by fear, too.

[11JB68]

Well....I baked him the cookies he insisted he needed, served them to him 5 at a time when he insisted 2 was not enough. Made him his huge chocolate shakes At night, bought his cigarettes etc, because he can't/won't do anything for himself. Cooked what he wanted for dinner all these years...

[NumbLotus]

I assume you do it because there will be a big price to pay if you don't.

If you declared that you were no longer doing X, like "I'm not fetching your cigarettes anymore, if you want them you can get them yourself," I am guessing it would not be received with kindness and grace.

Just curious, after the initial blowup, would it continue at the same level? Next time he says "get me my cigarettes" and you say "remember, I've retired from that career," will it be the same level of blowup every time? Will you have to fight WWIII over and over?

Honest question, I know the answer might be Yes.

Is there any chance he might test you a few times and then just move to complaining that you could ignore?

But I know I couldn't tolerate WWIII every day. Or, like, ever again.

[SparkStillLit]

My updh makes giant consequences every time a behavior he wants isn't displayed. WWZ over and over and again. I guess I've taught him that if he makes a big enough blow about shizz, I'll fall in line because I can't tolerate the repeated huge blowups.
I don't know what to do about that. I need to get a spine.

[losingmyself]

Hey, spark, do they sell those?  I would very much like to get one, too. 

[NumbLotus]

Let's get a Groupon.

[11JB68]

I need one too!!