Trouble meeting own basic needs after parental narcissistic abuse

[Wilderhearts]

I'm currently in a slump again where I'm having trouble forcing myself to eat.  It's not related to an eating disorder - I don't think I need to loose weight.  I just don't derive any enjoyment from eating, and I think it all ties back to experiences with uNPDf & meals, and also how he subtly conditioned me to believe that I was a terrible person for accepting basic support as a child.  Support that I never even demanded, just accepted, btw.

I have this guilt over accepting anything, and believing I'm undeserving of everything.  There's this one specific event I remember - my sister had received pyjamas for her birthday, and was living with uNPDf.  I wasn't living with uNPDf but was visiting, and for some reason didn't have suitable pyjamas.  My sister said to take and keep her pyjamas - she doesn't like unfamiliar things and has very narrow interests (which excluded the new pyjamas).  When our uNPDf noticed the exchange, he said something like "so you're taking your sister's new pyjamas" in this sullen disappointed voice.  Total shame shedding.  I think it had a lot to do with her being his scapegoat and him wanting her to benefit from others so he could tell himself she had it just as good as me.

I can't remember if it was before or after, but I got injured at a performance event where my mom and her friends were watching me perform.  After I got patched up and reunited with everyone, I complimented my mom's friend's broach.  These are close family friends and I think they just liked feeling close to us kids, so she offered it to me.  I burst into tears and they all assumed it was because I was injured during the performance and was just too overwhelmed.

It wasn't though.  I felt extreme guilt, as if I had somehow manipulated her into offering me the pin.  Like I thought she would feel I had manipulated her.  I can't remember all the instances of insidious narcissistic abuse from my father, but my gut is telling me that his actions and moods often communicated he thought we were somehow controlling him (and his rages, since he was never responsible.)

What is it in someone's shitty, angry behaviour that so effectively communicates "this must be your fault"?  Then there were the constant conflicts at meal time, him basically throwing my scapegoat sister's plate onto the table in a rage, acting (I can't really remember exactly how) so put upon for meeting our basic needs.

All this to say, I feel that surge of guilt and worthlessness like I must be a manipulative little whatever every time I get hungry and need to feed myself.  Meeting my own basic needs is a huge trigger.

[1footouttadefog]

I am so sorry to read this. Sorry for you that what should be a joy and a comfort and a way to express positive emotions and creativity and to bond with others was stolen by the abusive behaviours in your home growing up.

I can say you are not alone however.  There are so many stories here on Out of the FOG where drama and abuse helapoen around food.

Much if the narcissistic abuse my pdh experienced as a kid centered around food as do many of the lasting effects on him.  He alternates between overeating, and dieting and eating a regimented repeatative diet.  He has deep issues about food and the kitchen. 

I hope that you will be able to process and heal in this and any other other areas of your life that were impacted and still are. 

A higher order than your father wants you to eat healthy and thrive and live your best possible life.

[Wilderhearts]

I guess I'm still lucky that I can enjoy making and eating fabulous meals...if I'm sharing them with others.  It's like that comfort and enjoyment that most people learn to associate with food isn't there for me, so I need a direct hit from safe people.

I did see the disordered eating thread after this, and it's been really helpful to read.

A higher order than your father wants you to eat healthy and thrive and live your best possible life.

This is...wow.  I just kind of realized how much I esteem opinions of people who devalue me.  that's such a good reminder that my worth and the good will towards me is more.

[Phoenix Rising]

You aren't alone. It can be incredibly hard to undo all the harm from NPD and abuse in general. I'm not sure that I have much to offer in terms of advice or suggestions other than to say you aren't alone in your struggles with this.. I am still working on accepting that I do deserve to be treated respect and that it's OK to take care of myself. I often feel a ton of guilt over asserting and taking care of myself because I was conditioned by a number of PD people that it was wrong to do so.