Sharing the Mental Load

[wisingup]

Hi everyone -

I'm struggling with mental load / chore sharing issues in my marriage and with my adult kids right now.  I'm posting in this forum because I'm realizing that my BPD mother struggled with this also as her kids became adults (getting us to step up and take over the things she had done for us as children) and the way she handled it permanently damaged her relationship with her children.  I would very much like to avoid that & I know I act with "fleas" sometimes, especially when I'm feeling overwhelmed and unappreciated.

This week, my non-PD DH happened to make a comment that had no ill intentions & was on the surface fairly innocuous, but it instantly revealed his impression that the majority of the household management and tasks are mine by default, and he pitches in when he feels like it and has time. I already knew this of course, but I didn't realize the extent to which he underestimated my contributions and assumed that I'm fine with the status quo.  We both work full-time; I earn significantly more than him, but he is a teacher so he does a lot after hours.  He also takes on extra assignments that pay a small amount or nothing, but are of interest to him.  He gets summer & holiday breaks during which he will usually not do extra unless asked.  One adult daughter lives on her own a plane flight away, but spends several weeks each summer with us during which she wants to relax and be taken care of.  She will help when asked, sometimes enthusiastically, sometimes with resistance. Our other daughter lives with us since graduating college last year, and with my encouragement (= nagging) has reached a point where she cleans up after herself without being asked and will sometimes chip in extra.

I fully realize my role in allowing this to happen.  I will take equal responsibility for us all getting to this point.  What I'm struggling with now is how to get to a better place as a family without damaging my relationships which are generally very good. 

It's very difficult to explain the concept of the "mental load" to those who don't bear it - so I think I need to start there with my DH and kids - and also disabuse them of the notion that these responsibilities I've borne for decades are easy for me or fun or no big deal.  When I picture this conversation, all I can see if uBPD mom crying "no one ever helps me" and then running to her room & slamming the door to cry on her bed.  So I have a bad example to work from - hoping I can hear about some similar conversations any of you have had that have been effective without traumatizing anyone.  TIA!!

[bloomie]

wisingup - I imagine you are a person with quite a big capacity to get things done. I imagine that you have been getting things done for a very long time and you are tired of carrying the load - probably literally the loads of laundry around for decades.

You are all adults. It may be time to make clear to have a grown up, calm, family conversation communicating what you will/will not be responsible for going forward in the home. No justifying, arguing, defending, explaining, asking for "help" - they are not helping you, they are equally responsible for the smooth running of the home and their own stuff. And then follow through with that and leave the rest for others to take responsibility for. The. End.

The other option, among many, is to just stop doing the things that are not a priority to you. No conversation.

Oh, I know that it isn't that simple.. I mean the dishes will pile up, the counters will be cluttered, the dog poop will not be picked up.. Ask yourself this, if you were not there suddenly, what would happen? Who would do all of the things?

The other bit of this may be that you have higher standards than others in your home. I get that. I like a tidy home, too. So, prioritize the things that are most important to you and let the other adults in your home do the rest.

This is an opportunity to live out your boundaries and stop doing everything for everyone. Sure, you want to be seen and appreciated for all you do as you hold down a full time job. That would be lovely, but in the meantime step away from this cycle and free yourself from the expectation that you are responsible and everyone else gets to choose to help or not. I am betting you never agreed to that!

[Poison Ivy]

I agree with bloomie. Also, I think it's good that you're recognizing the shared experience with your mom while not wanting to approach the problem in the same way.

[Boat Babe]

I agree with bloomie. Also, I think it's good that you're recognizing the shared experience with your mom while not wanting to approach the problem in the same way.

Also, its good to recognise that nothing stays the same, even in the best marriages and that honest communication is the best way to get the ball rolling on rewriting the logistics of running the household. I find it's best to have these conversations when things are calm, everyone has had some nice food and the vibe is good. Prepare what you need to say in such a way that your needs are stated and there is no blame. There are resources out there to help you think about what to say and, more importantly, how to say it. (something your mother never did !)

[wisingup]

Thanks everyone.  I have started to approach the issue a step at a time.

I sent DH a couple of articles describing the "mental load" concept & asked him to read them and then let me know when he was willing to talk about them.  The next day he told me he had read them and said "we should set aside a time to talk about them." This is one of those squishy passive phrases that in the past I would have interpreted as him telling me that "I" should establish a time to talk about them.  I asked him to clarify & he said he would let me know when he was ready.  I'll give him a few days.  He generally prides himself on being an ally for all, so I think he'll come around, but he also has his own history of growing up in a fairly patriarchal household where mom served & dad ruled. 

The articles I read were eye-opening & I realized that we'd been trying to solve this issue over the years by just divvying up the chores from a list.  But we didn't address who identifies the tasks, plans how to address them, delegates, and then follows up to ensure that they are done.  That's all me & that part goes unacknowledged. 

We're at a crossroads for a lot of life factors - approaching retirement, changing roles with our kids, doing a lot of traveling that requires extensive planning - and now is the time to ensure that all of this planning & decision making doesn't fall exclusively on me, as it will if I don't speak up now.

[bloomie]

wisingup - what an important first step in addressing this you have taken. I am inspired by the non adversarial approach you have taken to begin this important conversation. Your sense of timing seems excellent!