Unpdm asking for a visit

[Sojourner17]

Last year we saw them for a weekend visit at a neutral location.  Unpdm wanted us to come again in the fall but we decided not to go.  Unpdm has been asking for a couple months for us to come visit this year. 
I'm really struggling with it.  I don't want to go but at the same time I feel we should.  I want to keep MC and use other tools to get through a visit but I don't know if I have the emotional bandwidth to last a whole weekend.  Maybe in 2 hour chunks I could with breaks in between but I know that that type of set up will NOT go well with unpdm.
I want to go to my home area to show the kids what it looks like.  Where our farm was, where I went to elementary school (now just an empty field as it was torn down years ago), what the backroads that I learned to drive on looked like.  I don't want to sit at my parents home visiting.  I don't want to spend the night.
Im feeling dread and we haven't even set the date for the visit yet. 
How did you handle visiting family?  They live a 10 hour drive away so there is no option to go home at night.

[Cat of the Canals]

I was really nervous about my first visit since moving away. I'd been planning on staying at my brother's house (neutral location) and not having to spend the night with PDmom, but I ended up visiting on a weekend where they were all renting an airbnb, which fouled that plan up. It turned out fine, but I probably won't ever do it again... I don't expect lightning to strike twice. 

If I wasn't able to stay at my brother's house, I would stay in a hotel. I'd insist on it. Say "it's easier/more convenient for us" and leave it at that, with no additional explanation. She doesn't like it? Wants to make a stink? "OK, maybe it's better if we don't come then." or "Well, we'll be in town these dates, it'd be nice to see you, but if not, I understand." Your accommodations are NOT UP FOR DEBATE. Don't even get into it.

Are there events/outings you can plan for the kids -- waterpark, fair, museums, etc. -- that would limit the "sitting around" time? Fill the weekend with things to do, and be very up front about your schedule. I've found that's a big one when dealing with PDmom and PDmil: I don't leave them any wiggle room as far as demanding time. Phrase things as if they are already set in stone. "We're taking the kids to XYZ. We can meet somewhere for dinner after, if you'd like."

And a few last tips:
Get rid of "should." Your parents aren't entitled to your time. If you WANT to go, then go.
Expect tantrums. Deal with them the way you would if you were dealing with an actual toddler: ignore/walk away.
It's been helpful to me to remind myself that PDmom and PDmil aren't actually scary monsters. They are sad, bitter old ladies. The only power they have over me is that which I give them, and I'm not giving it to them any more.

[moglow]

Can you set up Airbnb, camping or whatever cool accommodations suit your family for a few days in that general area, let mom know you'll be "around" [no specifics!] then make plans for short visits with them while you're there? I'm thinking do what you can to lessen the sitting around looking at each other, focus on doing with the kids. Plan to meet for lunch/dinner/picnic or for specific activity maybe. Mom and dad get hot/bored/tired? Okay, guess we'll see you tomorrow sometime - I'll give you a call in the morning and we'll set something up! Byeeeeee!

What I wouldn't do is have them "drop in for a visit" - then you're glued down doing nothing and nobody has a good time. And you can't get them out short of ruining the day for everyone.

Mine has a finite window of nice, and when that window runs out she burns down pretty quickly taking down everything in her path. I'm just thinking lessen the angst for everyone as much as you can. Not micromanage by any means, but just understand we all have limitations, us as well as her.

[Sojourner17]

Thank you CoC and Mowglow for the responses.  It's amazing how the memories of my small town are contributing to a huge flooding of emotions.  Even trying to find a place to stay is tricky.  There are a few nice places.  One of them is the home bnb of a former friends dad and step mom.  I no longer have contact with them.  My parents used to be fairly close to them but I think they are distant now.  Awkward!
The other is a bnb owned by a couple that go to my parents church (or at least at one point went).  It's a beautiful bnb.  The owner I know only by sight but for some reason I'm feeling a lot of shame and anxiety.  Last time I was there the owner attended the same church as my parents. That's how I know who she is.
Probably because there are so many negative memories connected to that place.  I have good memories too but they are tied to people no longer there.  I have literally NO connection to people that is positive.  People who I feel love me or have positive kind regard for me there.   Maybe it's partly my fault.  I've just felt so awkward, there for so long.  Perhaps there are people there that would be welcoming and I pushed them away. 

[Sojourner17]

Part of my message was cut off:

I'm feeling shame and sadness and anxiety.  A lot of negative self talk such as "Sojourner, you are making a mountain out of a Molehill.  Quit being so sensitive!  Buck up, suck it up and go see your parents and quit making so much of things" type thinking.

I need to somehow come out on the other side of things feeling secure no matter how my unpdm responds/acts. I so want this to go positively if/when we go but I know I need to make that happen from our side somehow.

[moglow]

Duly noted and totally respect what you're up against. Is there somewhere within a reasonable drive that gives you access to hometown driveby/parents without being right.there.in.it for the duration? Adjust and refocus on what's enjoyable *for the kids*, is what I'm thinking. Is there maybe camping/cabins [!] or a national park in the area?

[Cat of the Canals]

Is there somewhere within a reasonable drive that gives you access to hometown driveby/parents without being right.there.in.it for the duration?

This is exactly what I was just thinking. Even if it's 2-3 hours away. Stay there. Take one day to do the hometown visit + dinner with your parents and spend the rest of the time doing other things a nice distance away.

And again, if mom throws a fit, tell her, "OK, have a nice one."

I need to somehow come out on the other side of things feeling secure no matter how my unpdm responds/acts.

I felt the same way when I went for my visit. I totally understand feeling that way. And I don't think you're making a mountain out of a molehill. Our PD parents are DAMAGING. They are ABUSERS. Feeling like we "just need to put up with it" is part of the same old, same old that got us here in the first place.

[Sojourner17]

There is a regional park where the church lady bnb is and where my parents lived the last time I visited.  Guys,  this place is the boonies.  Population of 2,000 with farmland as far as you can see.   My friend lives 1.5 hours away in a small city where there would be lots of nice places to stay. 
I'm almost thinking having that city as home base. Go see my family one day, spend the evenings back in the city with my friend and then another day go to the city we lived in before moving to go see my husbands best friend and family.

[Leonor]

Hi Sojourner,

As I was reading through your very understandable posts and the wise, kind responses, I realized I had forgotten why you were going back to a place that brings up emotional distress, surrounds you with people you do not remember fondly, and exposes you to abuse from your parents - an experience so unpleasant that you are considering 1-2 hour drives there and back to even tolerate a few hours in the area. Had a beloved family member fallen ill? A close friend invited you to their wedding? A fun-packed road trip that leads right down your old Main Street? A school reunion that gives you an opportunity to arrive in your fabulous luxury vehicle and wear a designer outfit that flatters your CrossFit figure? (Because we don't have to be so emotionally evolved all the time ... )

No. It's because your dysfunctional parents are demanding you go pay some emotional blackmail and yanking your obligation and guilt chains like silk servant bells on Downton Abbey. You're a horsewoman. So I say, "Whoa, Nelly!"

Here's my 2 cents, and they're probably worth less than that, "No." Just no. Not worth it. If the thought of spending a few hours in your parents' vicinity creates so much stress that you are consulting on a forum dedicated to survivors of childhood trauma (albeit we make delightful company!) then this visit is not a good idea. The very idea is re-traumatizing you. How much fun is that going to be for your dh and kids?

There's a great way to show your kids where you grew up without leaving the peace and tranquility of your lovely home. It's called Google Maps street view. Enjoy!

[Sojourner17]

Oh Leonor,  your post had me smiling.  Thank you for that.

My thoughts have always been that going "home" would include doing a circuit and going to see our best friends and their families too.  That would leave us doing a WIDE circuit hours away from my parents who live in the south of the province and our farthest friends who live in the north (8 hour drive from where my parents live). Not exactly a spur of the moment trip/visit!

I'm still processing how to move forward with it as I can't foresee going and spending more than a few hours at a time with my parents without it slipping sideways into areas I don't want to engage in. 

I just realized something else.  My middle DS's bday was last month. Unpdm texted saying she was sending a parcel with something for him and for me for our bdays (my bday is in 2 weeks). The way it was initially written led me to assuming it was already sent.  Two days before his bday she texted me asking if I wanted certain books and that she still hadn't sent it.  I asked her for a music book I had asked her to send me last year.  She said ok but wanted to photocopy it as she wanted to play the songs (I doubt she has played the songs since I left home 20 years ago).  So, 4 days after my sons bday the package still wasn't sent.  Two days later came the text asking when we were coming to visit. 

It's 3 weeks post bday and still no bday package.  I'm assuming, but based on past experience I think she decided (again) that a package was too expensive to send and that she would give it when we come to visit.  She likes telling the boys they can have such and such things when we come.  Luckily I didn't say anything to my DS about the package but I did overhear him tell his older brother that grandma never sends him anything for his bday.  He was really hurt last fall when a package came for my other 2 sons where there was nothing for him and no package at his bday earlier in the year. He was born in May, my other 2 in September. 

I posted about last years package on the forum.  My mom was upset at me for saying we couldn't come last fall.  The package came after that phone call saying we couldn't come and was one that left me thinking I would have rather them not have gotten anything sent to them at all. 

I could go alone but logistically that doesn't work either.  Single car family and closest airports are over 2 hours away from both destinations (told you we are in the boonies!). 

To be 100% honest I'm frustrated by all of this.  I want to point out the behaviour but really don't see how to do it without looking petty. After all it IS supposed to be a gift,  she doesn't have to give/send it if she doesn't want to.  Again I wish I didn't even KNOW about the intended package.  How does the saying go?  The road to hell is paved with good intentions?!?

So, at the moment there are no plans to make the trip out.  Our summer is quickly filling up with plans, hikes, garden projects, wood harvesting to get ready for winter,  summer book club, swimming lessons, movies in the park, etc. for here where we live. 

[Mathilda]

It's 3 weeks post bday and still no bday package.  I'm assuming, but based on past experience I think she decided (again) that a package was too expensive to send and that she would give it when we come to visit.  She likes telling the boys they can have such and such things when we come.

So I doubt it has to do with postage costs. She's trying to bribe you and the boys to visit her. No visits, no gifts.

The gifts I got from my UNPDm always had strains attached. I once got a washing machine. Then when I disagreed on something, she told me to give it back to her.

[Sojourner17]

The package came yesterday.    I kind of feel dumb for assuming that it wouldn't but based on past experiences I really didn't think it would. 

My son was happy.  So I'm happy.