Me Again

[green_tea]

Me again.

My PD sibling began attending a community I was working in and then was offered a job where I was working. I asked her to please give me space and not take this job and she fell into a rage. She threatened to cut me out of her life. She called me over, yelled at me, sobbed, screamed that she loved me so why don't I love her? She told me "all my friends can't believe you'd not let me take this job when I need one" she told me it was her dream job. She told people that I was jealous of her and that's why I didn't want her to take the job. The leader began to mistrust me and saw a side of her that was so calm and charming that he couldn't possibly imagine that I, who was crying in front of him when trying to explain how I've been bullied by her my whole life, could be anything but crazy and jealous. I had to leave this job. Once I left she lost interest. She never took that job. This is crazy, right?

I was convinced that I needed space. I received lengthly emails from her. Blaming me for my problems with not wanting her around. Punishing me by telling mutual friends about my misconduct, painting me as a mentally insane, jealous sister. People approached me with caution and admonished me for not supporting her. I've been able to maintain distance since then but she is now coming at me with emails stating she wants to work things out (this just before Christmas) She tells me she wants to go to Therapy with me. Is this common for people that are struggling with a PD to suggest Therapy just to continue to play out their drama? I know that I don't want to do this. I already know that it's just a game. I also know that when I refuse to work on this with her, I am giving her ammunition to tell our mutual friends and our family that she wants to work things out with a therapist and I am refusing. I feel like I can't possibly win. Any suggestions for how to deal with this scenario? I know she doesn't want anything more but the drama and attention on her. She may have even mentioned it knowing that I will refuse and that will be another point against me in this ugly war. How do I just close this chapter once and for all???

[guitarman]

You are not alone.

The counsellor and author Kris Godinez specialises in Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome. She gives live talks most Sundays on her YouTube channel called "We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez". She does not recommend that couples go together to counselling as she says that the abuser will use any information divulged in the counselling session later to further abuse the target of abuse again. So I presume that would apply to family members also. It's something to think about.

It would be wise for you to get counselling for yourself alone. You need to work on your own self esteem first. I think we all do.

There is no need to even tell your sister. You can keep some things in your life private from her. She doesn't need to know.

If she is using threats to get you to go with her you need to stay calm and say "No, it's not going to happen". There is no need for you to JADE. That is Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain yourself any further. No means no. 

I have an undiagnosed BPD/NPD sister. I have learnt to be a lighthouse rather than a lifeboat constantly rescuing her from all her dramas. It's been a difficult process and has taken years to detach myself from her abuse. I still can get easily triggered and my rule is to always stay calm no matter what happens. I will not be provoked into rage by her.

I have learnt about Medium Chill and Grey Rock techniques. I have learnt about the Narcissistic Circle of Abuse where the abuser turns everything around to become the victim. My sister does this by trying to push all my buttons to get me to shout at her. I'm wise to her now and don't play those games.

It's not at all easy. Other people don't realise what we have to deal with if they've not been in the same situation themselves.

Keep calm. Keep strong.

Best wishes

Guitarman X

[green_tea]

Thank you so much for your support and recommendations. I think it is true that over the years I've lost trust in my self and in my instincts. Putting myself first for the first time in a very long time. I will definitely check out your recommendations. Thanks again!