Hello all! So glad I have discovered this forum.

[EmpathyinChaos]

I have been married for more than a decade to my uPDw. Not sure what one to put it under, it's a combination of covert narc, borderline, and avoidant PD. Life is extremely hard and I have 90% convinced myself I need to get out. My struggle is we have 2 kids 11 and 8 and my fears of co-parenting and or loosing custody are keeping me there. I am at my last ounce of patience.

How do you know when it's time? What signs or moments of clarity led you to leave your PD SO? I might have had my moment of clarity last night.

I am more than happy to share my experiences.

Thank you for this forum!

[notrightinthehead]

Just want to add my welcome. You are in good company here. We understand.

[EmpathyinChaos]

Empathy,
Welcome! You are not alone. There are many here who can relate to your story. If you haven't already, I suggest you read through the Toolbox. Lots of great resources there.

Also you might read through some of the stories in the Separating & Divorcing board to get more insight into why people decided to leave.

Sorry you're facing what you are facing. I know firsthand how difficult it is.

Stay strong and keep posting,

user

I haven't navigated to the separation and divorce topic yet. Thanks for the suggestion. I am well versed in the dynamics with dealing with a PD SO. I have been aware for 5 years. I just wish I could make a decision! It's driving me crazy!!!

[Boat Babe]

Hi Empathyinchaos - I think that many people who find themselves in your situation are undertandably very worried about their kids. I don't know what country you are in and what the divorce/custody parameters are but you would be wise to find out for yourself. Then you know what is possible and you can make an informed decision in the best interests of yourself and the children. It is very hard but staying sounds harder.

[EmpathyinChaos]

Boat Babe
I'm in the USA and fortunately live in a state where shared custody is default. The shared parenting with the uPDw is the part that worries me the most

[Boat Babe]

Boat Babe
I'm in the USA and fortunately live in a state where shared custody is default. The shared parenting with the uPDw is the part that worries me the most

In the archives there are a stack of conversations about just this: is it better to stay and try to mitigate the damage all the time or give the kids 50% of total safety and normality? The actual physical safety of the children has to be considered as well as lots of other stuff. My personal opinion is that it is very unhealthy to model an abusive relationship to your kids and they may eventially see you as your wife's enabler anyway. They are certainly seeing a father who is struggling. Can you afford to live separately from your wife so the kids can continue to go to their school and still see their friends, attend their clubs/sports whatever. Minimise the disruption as much as possible.  Then provide a loving, safe, supportive and sane home for 50% of the time. You will be happier too, in the long run.

[EmpathyinChaos]

No concerns with the physical safety of the children. Ironically uPDw is a decent parent except on the mental health aspect, which she fails miserably.

We are both able to afford to live on our own comfortably and there shouldn't be any disruptions for our kids. I know what goes on behind closed doors with me there, can't imagine what's going to happen with out me there.

[SonofThunder]

Hi Empathy,

Adding another warm welcome to ooft and glad you are here!  Good feedback from the previous replies and looking forward to interacting with you around the forum boards.  You are not alone in your experiences. 

SoT