Need to talk

[Kiwiana]

Hello everyone,

I guess i'm here now because I just need to talk about how I'm feeling and maybe bring some perspective to my situation.

My husband is a sociopath. Maybe he has some other issues but it doesn't really matter what you call it. At the end of the day, I feel depleted, shut down, alone, not supported, lied to, used, manipulated and so much more...

I always saw myself as an independent woman, knowing what I wanted, not letting someone tell me what to do, how and what to think. I thought I can stand my ground.

I guess I used to be that way before I met him. Now I'm none of these things and feel even worse.

He lied to me about his past, about dead children, age... and his excuse is he was ashamed of the truth, he just wanted to be accepted by me... Blabla.
He did it out of love. Yeah right.

I snooped through his emails, photos and notes on his phone and computer two weeks ago... what did I find? Stuff that he told me about his past was false, I found naked pictures of some woman on his computer (apparently those were old and to be deleted). Snooping in a relationship is already so crazy... the nagging feeling was right tho. The image he painted about himself only wanting to find a woman who loves him is all wrong! He made me feel bad and manilpulated me to say i'm Sorry for sleeping with men when I was SINGLE! At the same time he had all these multiple affairs before me and his excuse was that he slept with them because he was wanting to have a relationship with them... my situation is different of course and he called me cheap and worse.

He love bombed me and now we're in the situation that I moved to another country for him. Actually to another continent all together. I have no friends or family here, I know that I need to leave. I feel stupid for not leaving and not listening to my friends and family back home that he isn't good for me.

Every day when he comes home from work I catch myself acting in a way to please him. My shoulders are always tense when he is in the room. I know all of this is bad at the same time it's like he is like a drug to me. If i'm Good he will be happy with me again and kiss and touch me the way he used to. Be attentive and understanding like he used to. I'm just starting to figure out that all of that was just show, none of it was real.

I'm sorry if all of this doesn't even make sense what i'm Writing. This whole situation doesn't even make sense to me. I guess I just needed to let it out although this whole thing is just the tip of the iceberg. There is so much more but it doesn't really matter.
Bottom line is that I need to leave this situation, I know I need to but for some reason I'm not able to.

How did you do it? How did you have the strength to step up and follow your own needs again?

[JollyJazz]

Hi Kiwiana,

You've done the first important step which is to see the situation for what it is.

A lot of us here have been in similar situations, and have also left, so you are not alone here

First practical things first, do you have your own bank account and funds? The first thing with leaving is to make a plan for what you will do. The important thing is not to tell your husband anything about your intention to leave. Not to scare you and definitely not to put you off but leaving is typically the most dangerous time. An emotionally abusive partner or husband can get physical. Or they can turn up at your new place. So don't give them any indication. When you leave, don't tell them, or anyone that can tell them where you are going. A short note saying 'bye' when you pack up is enough. If you can prepare, by secretly finding a new place to stay. I don't know all about your situation. It might be a plane ticket back to your new home. Or whatever it is you need to do. Packing a secret 'go bag' with essential items, change of clothes, cash, passport, toiletaries etc. if you need to leave at short notice is also important.

I think you've got a lot of wisdom and insight already into what is going on.

Are you able to access therapy? A good therapist can really help at a time like this. Although I know if you are in an abusive situation sometimes abusers control money and its expensive so its not always accessible. There are lots of good tools in the toolbox on the forum here that can also help a lot. Good self help books can also help with perspective on what is happening.

Anyway best wishes! Unfortunately it also sounds to me like your partner is an abuser. He won't change, and I do think making an escape plan could be a positive step.

[Starboard Song]

Bottom line is that I need to leave this situation.

How did you do it? How did you have the strength to step up and follow your own needs again?

I think we all here took too long to understand the situation. Then too long to confront it. Then too long to fix or escape it.

You are doing great: you now know there is a problem, and you struggle with feelings of dependency. The struggle is good: many folks accept dependency, but you are struggling with it. So you are wide awake. Be proud of yourself.

I didn't confront the scenario you face: my problem was outside of my excellent marriage, so I had a helpmate to get through our challenges. You need to establish a few dear and trusted friends to share with and to have as your helpmates. You need a network. You need a place to get to. And you've found us, which is a great start.

When you're ready, I suspect your continental jump could be an opportunity. If you pack your things and board a flight that crosses an ocean, you won't readily be tempted to backslide. You can can erect an enormous physical boundary in about 12 hours -- if that is appropriate and safe for you -- while you begin to rebuild your determination.

From my experience watching friends, I do suspect that this process starts with getting physically away from the person that caused you to write the words bottom line is that I need to leave this situation. You've already told us you know that answer. Don't trust us: trust yourself.

[GentleSoul]

Kiwiana. I am so sorry to read your post.

I hope you are able to remove yourself to a peaceful life.  I very much relate to the manipulations and lying you describe.

[Kiwiana]

Thank you so much for your words!!!!
It really helps to know other people have gone through something similar and can relate. 

Good news, I'm leaving tomorrow. Flights are booked and I won't change my mind. Yesterday was just the tip of the iceberg and now I've had it.
He wants me gone, told me on several occasions but always "changed" his mind about it. So the ball was always in his court. Last night I just couldn't do it anymore, living in this limbo of being wanted and not being wanted.

Naturally everything is my fault, literally everything. I kind of feel that I might me some sort of narcissist or that things are my fault.
Has this also happened to you? That you feel that something isn't right with you although you know that the other person is wrong?
I guess I need some distance to the whole situation to really be able to see it for what it is.

I have been watching a lot of Terri Cole's videos on youtube (I can highly recommend them) and I'm starting to understand why it was so"easy" for him to emotionally manipulate me. I'm seeing a pattern in myself which I'm actually super excited to work on when I get back home. Some insights about myself aren't really nice but I guess being aware and then working on yourself is the way to go!
I guess self love and creating boundaries is the key here. I have one more night here and then I can start healing my soul, getting my own life back in order and be around people who actually care about me.

Is there any books you would recommend about loving yourself? Or videos that have helped you a lot?
The plan is to go to therapy 100% but it takes ages to get an appointment so I'd like to utilise the time and work on myself.

Thank you all so much, please send me all the good vibes for tomorrow so I can finally get out of this situation!!!!

[openskyblue]

Welcome to Out of the FOG, Kiwiana!

My exhusband is a sociopath, and I understand how difficult it can be to get your brain and heart to accept that. It's a journey, but the end of it includes finally being true to yourself. For a long time, I was afraid that because I was married to a sociopath that set me up to be involved with more of them. Actually, the reverse has occurred: My second sense has gotten pretty refined when it comes to picking up on liars and untrustworthy people.

I'd recommend reading "The Sociopath Next Door." It was enormously helpful to me in understanding how the sociopath brain works — and I learned a lot from it about how to let go of any ideas that my ex would somehow "see the light" when it cam to compassion and ethics.

Good luck to you! IMHO, going totally NC was the way to go with my sociopathic ex, as it cut me off from whatever drama, illegal stuff he was up to. I'd recommend it to you. Be prepared to find out more as time goes on. My ex had a secret life that periodically spits up some bit of evidence. I know now that there was no way I ever could have figured out the many nepharious things my ex was doing, because his life was/is so convoluted. I'm just glad I got out with my sanity and my kids.