Dawning Realization

[moglow]

My decision is somewhat impulsive, somewhat not. While it happened for me rather suddenly, I honestly think she set it up and it's what she wanted. She just didn't want to be "blamed" as if anyone cares one way or the other. Mother must have a scapegoat, a target, someone on whom to dump all the ills of the world. Fine, so be it.

My sis was just here - asked me again, why do you do it? Why after all you've seen and heard and the abuse, do you keep taking in anything she puts out there when you know what the end result will be? I had to stop and think about it. I really think on some level I want confirmation that this is the right thing. Her question was, what more confirmation could there possibly be?? And she's right. She usually is because she's seen it play out so many times now.

Mother's comments the other day about my "lack of care" for her going back to when my stepfather died ... while small and trivial on the surface, went so much deeper for me. After I thought about it I remembered the Mo who lived in my brain in those days, the Mo who struggled to get through the days without crying, the Mo who couldn't take one more question or sympathy card or decision to be made. The Mo who looked at a bridge in the distance wondering how fast she'd have to be driving to jump that bridge and not survive the crash ... The Mo who just wanted it to be OVER. I think of the Mo who desperately needed time alone but came home again and again to mother in the house pulling at me and talking incessantly and following me around. No peace from the time I got up in the morning until I closed my door at night so I could be alone in my room. Mother has no idea or care that Mo existed, at all, or that it wasn't the first time I'd been there but was by far the worst.

I came out of that time a different person, I'll admit it. I'm harder and more distant, and less easily fooled by people. I reached out repeatedly for people, and most of them reached back. Whether with a distraction or a hug or just a listening ear and a caring shoulder, most reached back. Mother didn't. Still doesn't. I have to remember that - and now she DARES throw that back in my face? Nope.

Blocked, she is. She'll just have to learn to live with that. Sometimes when you pay the price, you deserve what you get.

[Groundhog Day]

Moglow,

I did pick the nickname of "Groundhog Day", because my M's drama and behaviour kept going on day after day until I had enough and went NC. It reminded me of that movie with Bill Murray...same thing everyday...lol

[bloomie]

Mo - just catching up here with all that has been going on and seriously it is a lifetime of living in the land of the double bind! I am just so very sorry!

[moglow]

Long phone chat with my youngest brother and his wife this morning -confirmed that she's been telling very different versions of things, painting herself as the wronged party over and over. Basically trying to put us against each other. Turns out she barely talks to them either unless she's sharing a mad about someone else.

They were planning to come over for Thanksgiving, had booked days off then told her they were coming. And she told them no. I was truly hoping that was something she'd made up, but it's not. She's not seen her son in almost *10 years* and now's not a hood time for him to visit. They offered to fly her over for their sons wedding next week, but No. Just no. That hurts me for them, even having been through so much of it with her myself. For years they've been told a whole other story, her version, and I have no doubt there's more than I can even imagine.

I'll never understand that woman. Actually at this point I hope I never do. I don't want any part of that.

[moglow]

My nephew's wedding was last weekend - it was warm and loving and happy, all the things a wedding celebration should be. It was an emotional reunion, no less emotional when I had to leave. I know that having mother there would have cast a pall over everything, but given her recent comments she was hovering as a big gray blob anyway. Random comments brought her to mind, shared memories of other weddings and gatherings, times when she chose to participate or not, times when she "performed."

In the end, in spite of reconnecting with my brother and his family, I feel so alone. Their family is so very different from what I share with family here. They're loving and involved and connect with each other every day in a thousand little ways - not at all like it is here. They were appalled that we don't have holidays together, no family dinners or game night, nothing outside of work. There's no "connection" here other than work - so much like with mother, really.

It's made me face yet again how much older brother reminds me of her. He's not asked once how was the trip, the wedding, asked about our youngest brother, not one word. And no, nothing from mother either although I'm pretty sure she has no idea that I went to the wedding. She's yet to mention it to me in any way. For someone who was over the top about the engagement, one would think there'd have been a modicum of interest in the wedding itself. But no. Not a word from mother or her eldest child about it, as if it didn't happen at all.