How is everyone?

[square]

Our part of the forum (chosen/committed/seperating/coparenting) has been pretty quiet lately. How has everyone been doing?

[Poison Ivy]

I'm feeling low. My ex continues to avoid things (I think he wants someone to take care of him); my older brother thinks "everything is taken care of" for our elderly mother and so he's not helping (everything is not taken care of); and I'm not telling my family that I'm watching a movie on a Saturday afternoon because if I do, my sister might say, as she has in the past, "I don't sit down and do anything for myself until evening" (she lives with our mom; I have a full-time job and full responsibility for my house and I help with our mom).

Thank you for the opportunity to vent.

[square]

All those voices cutting into your lived experiences, sounds hard.

[SeaBreeze]

I'm 5 months out. Been rediscovering life, but also processing a lot of emotions. I've mostly been back in lurk mode but posted a few sporadic updates as I sort things out. How are you?

[SonofThunder]

Hi Square.

Yes, thanks for asking and hope you are doing well. Im still rowing my slow boat to a divorce, one day at a time.  Lots of work to do in prep for mediation and that event could get punted downfield easily, should my stbx choose to manipulate the process. 

Im laying low, very busy with work and trying to be gentle on myself.  Diving into the necessary divorce work once again, after a lull due to necessary activities from a few professionals, has seen a noticeable uptick in anxiety symptoms with a bit of brain fog.  Im still sleeping well and health is steadily improving in my solo living. 

Im around on the forum commenting and imo, the traffic died just a bit with the Out of the FOG website revamp, but folks are slowly getting acquainted with the operation.  Its also summer and so those with family's whose children may be on school break, are not as privately free as during the school year. 

Thanks again for asking,

SoT

[square]

I'm 5 months out. Been rediscovering life, but also processing a lot of emotions. I've mostly been back in lurk mode but posted a few sporadic updates as I sort things out. How are you?

I've definitely appreciated the updates. Seems like there's ups and downs and the pendulum is still trying to find an equilibrium for you right now. A tough time but also one with a lot of possibility for learning and growth.

[square]

user, that sounds hard. Like you're trying to keep the wheel when you've lost power steering and the road is rocky. But it also seems to me, and maybe I'm wrong, but like you may be struggling with the wheel but also have your eye steadfastly on the road now. Like you are loiking ahead even as you grapple, a little further out than you were before. And I don't even just mean future plans but just having more perspective even in the moment.

[square]

SoT, keeping busy is good, sounds good. What you said about the anxiety uptick reminds me of a feeling I had previously. I felt like I had been hanging from a cliff for a long time by my fingers, till they had hardened and whitened from the effort. And then for a little while, a ledge opened up under my feet. My hands were stone but I rubbed them and felt a kind of numb relief.

But when the ledge crumbled it was even worse than if I had just been locked into the same position the whole time. We let down our guard because you can't live like that all the time, but when we thaw out a little it's so painful to feel the old feelings again, even if less than before. When your body had thought it was over.

[square]

Things are okay here on the surface at least. Under the surface, who knows.

Things are about to change in three ways.

One, kid is going to college. That certainly changes the household. No idea what to expect. Some hope that I can channel my energy into productive and/or fulfilling ventures. Not sure what else may happen.

Two, we are entering into a real financial pinch. Naturally I would be looking right now to increase income, but there's one other thing.

Three, my progressive vision loss has, well, progressed. I think I may be just a few months from no longer being able to read at all. I realize it seems like my vision is pretty okay if I can read here, but in fact, reading (on my phone with contrast and large text) is really the only thing I can really see usefully anymore. Cannot see to navigate anything, could not possibly go into a store without a guide, just really do not perceive much overall. How the hell am I going to generate income? Working on the computer is absolutely exhausting with the effort it takes to see. I'm hearing impaired and have phone anxiety so phone work is not feasible (and requires reading computer screens anyway).

And, besides that, man, I'm just face to face with this buried regret. What could I have done with these lost years?

I used to love to travel. My husband has meltdowns when travelling. My travel days are done now.

My career was very promising, I had a NYC office with a window, then was number two at a pretty solid dot com. Now I'm nothing.

Just some really ugly stuff in here, some of it petty and some big I think. I accept my lot in life but there is a difference between having to deal with something, and having wasted it.

Not helping matters, my husband believes I am exaggerating my vision loss for manipulative purposes. The opposite is true, I do more than I think many would. I don't talk to him about it, either, so there's no "complaining." But he certainly feels free to complain about his awful, cursed life to me. He has not even thought to ask me if there was anything I wanted to do or see while I still could. Fuck you, H. 

[escapingman]

I am here, not posting much but reading. I have been waiting to give an update as I am trying to make sense of everything and not really sure about the whole situation. The current roller coaster between feeling euphoric and in complete misery is getting to me, and I have identified what is triggering me - it's DD. She is in contact with uNPDxw and is being manipulated and love bombed and all is kept in secrecy. DD is completely disrespecting me now and if I tell her to do anything she lashes out, threaten me and projects her feelings on to me. If I said I wasn't worried about her I would be lying, but it could also be teenage behaviour.

I don't want to hijack this thread so I leave it at this, but yes I am still here.

[SonofThunder]

SoT, keeping busy is good, sounds good. What you said about the anxiety uptick reminds me of a feeling I had previously. I felt like I had been hanging from a cliff for a long time by my fingers, till they had hardened and whitened from the effort. And then for a little while, a ledge opened up under my feet. My hands were stone but I rubbed them and felt a kind of numb relief.

But when the ledge crumbled it was even worse than if I had just been locked into the same position the whole time. We let down our guard because you can't live like that all the time, but when we thaw out a little it's so painful to feel the old feelings again, even if less than before. When your body had thought it was over.

Great analogy Square, and im right there with you.

Before separation it was constant fight or flights. These days living solo with my mind/body finally settling down and in the healing process, I really notice when my anxiety kicks in gear, as its such a great contrast to the calm. What you describe with "it was even worse than if I had just been locked into the same position the whole time".

Im very grateful for the new peace and time to heal, but the back and forth can be very annoying.

SoT

[square]

Thanks for the update, EM. We definitely will be here and interested when you are ready to share your thoughts about seeing your older daughter.

I can only imagine how complicated your feelngs are. If things were normal, you could have simple feelings about it, but things aren't normal and there's a lot under the surface.

The strong feelings that you experience as your personality are both a curse and a blessing, as it must be hard to have such despairing lows and maybe the roller coaster itself is taxing for you (I personally find it difficult to bear, prefer to feel very even).

But as time goes on and your daughters grow, you will be increasingly protected from this situation. And you can embrace your strong feelings and enjoy that part of yourself. Those feelings make you feel alive and connected, make your day (and life) worthwhile. The downs as well as the ups, as long as the downs aren't so bad and frequent. I think joy is partly made of those downs, and I think having people among us who are equipped to feel them makes the world a better place.

[notrightinthehead]

Geez Square, I am seriously worried about you. Are you getting any help? Are you putting protective measures for yourself in place? Maybe this is the best time to reach out to anyone you can think of and set yourself up for the future.

Please do not hesitate to get any help you possibly can for yourself. I value your contributions highly.

[square]

SoT, it's interesting to realize that adrenaline and cortisol help us to somewhat cope with more serious injuries. But while we are healing those serious injuries, having them be bumped or bruised or even cut open again somewhat is really hard, partly because we don't usually get the full benefit of adrenaline and cortisol. It underlines how these emotional injuries are in fact physical and embedded in our bodies.

[square]

NRITH, thank you for your message. I'm honestly unsure what you mean, though, not sure why you would be alarmed. It's a sucky situation, and we are all in one. Was just venting a bit.

How have you been doing?

[SonofThunder]

SoT, it's interesting to realize that adrenaline and cortisol help us to somewhat cope with more serious injuries. But while we are healing those serious injuries, having them be bumped or bruised or even cut open again somewhat is really hard, partly because we don't usually get the full benefit of adrenaline and cortisol. It underlines how these emotional injuries are in fact physical and embedded in our bodies.

+1 Agree!

SoT

[Free2Bme]

Square,  Thanks for the query.  I'm sorry to hear about your vision loss, I can imagine it would be difficult on so many levels.   



I haven't been on the forum much, life is a bit overwhelming right now.  I love my job but it is mentally and physically demanding, long hours and a long commute.  My discretionary time is consumed with home maintenance & repairs (usually myself), managing tight finances, and all that comes with having four young adult children (some are still living with me). My mom has dementia and I am now helping her with some of her needs.

I don't have many social opportunities or close friends and I don't date.  Although I want these things, there doesn't seem to be much room in my life.  It seems as though I worked so hard to rebuild my life post-divorce only to be stuck in a never-ending cycle of work at work, work at home, repeat.  I did not imaging my life this way post-divorce.  If I'm being honest, I'm a little lonely and discouraged, & still sorting through some past stuff.  Weird how I can say things here that I don't share with others.

That said, I am healthy and no longer actively dealing with the stress of uPDxh.  He remarried and my youngest is eighteen, so no financial ties.  I'm enjoying the peace and trying to be optimistic about future.







 

[1footouttadefog]

I am still about the same.  Just staying too busy to get her as much. 

Funny I had a Out of the FOG reportable event just last night.  It would have fit in the Bat Crazy files.

My PdH is still living mostly in his own space most of the time.  He comes up for lunch and again for supper most days and also brings the mail to the door. I try to take home out and about when I run errands to get him into of the house.  We take him out when we go as a family some when it's low stakes.  This has been working okay but last night he was a toddler like narc. Ruined the evening and would not let things go and they escalated in the car until both college age kids were upset.  Fortunately they identified that they had made the mistake of trying to treat him normal and expect normal responses.

I habe been make some progress toward catching up on my huge backlog of work and maintenance.   

The schedule and timing of things has impacted my ability to socialize out of the house and that is annoying but I am being patient as this is just temporary rut. 

I al starting to see the need to prepare for a next phase of my spouse's decline.  The youngest will be going to UNI.  She handles pdH well and helps buffer things a bit.  The oldest will bit just does not want to engage with him at all.

When she moves out I will be stuck. I need to find someone to stay at our house to mind things so I cafuture. For a vacation in the future. 

 

[notrightinthehead]

Square, I am healthy and fit. My h has filed for divorce in the country I live in (he lives in another one), that send me in a downward spiral of anxiety and depression. It also forced me to take my head out of the sand, find a lawyer here and deal with it. So, I am in the process of divorce, not my choice, and have to deal with him.  I should be glad, but I feel sad and anxious.

My kids are supportive and spend time with me but they have their own lives and I am working hard to make a comfortable home and build a social network for myself. I never planned to be alone at this time of my life, but here I am. I simply stayed too long on the crazy train.

[square]

Free2Bme, that certainly is a lot on your plate. Working, repairs, four kids (even if older), parent with dementia. No wonder you're having a hard time carving out space for new social relationships. Hopefully at some point you will have extra room to catch up and have space to meet more of your needs.