Recognizing the narcissism after some distance

[Mintstripes]

It's amazing what we can recognize in hindsight.

Earlier this year, a longtime friend of mine stopped talking to me due to some differing views. It's just as well because she was exhausting, for years.

She was the type who would disappear for a month and then come back full force, blowing up my phone because she'd had (yet another) blow-up fight with her spouse. This happened even when I was going through extremely difficult times of my own (ie: divorce). This pattern of behavior continued over the years.

Being raised by narcs, I know that they often seek drama. They also want everyone to fawn over them and see them as perpetual victims. Desperately needing accolades is a common theme as well. I noticed all of these phenomena with this "friend".

Everything intensified after she got married and started having kids, of course. She was constantly ranting to me about what a good wife and mother she was, perceived slights, not being praised enough... for example, if someone remarked how happy her baby was, she would go on and on to me about how insulted she was that this person didn't immediately praise HER for MAKING such a happy baby. She'd always say that her baby's happiness is because she's such a good mother, that she should be the one getting praise for it, and so on. Like I said, exhausting and drama-seeking IMO.

She also became immersed in this sort of... internet mommy/domestic culture, where everything is perfect, moms only buy organic everything for their kids, shun anything more conventional, and won't shut up about it. I'm sure some of you know what I'm talking about. It was becoming very "holier than thou". She once went on a huge rant because someone gave her a gift of baby products that were not up to her standards, "toxic" , and for people who didn't think critically   note: I used all those brands...

Anyway, these are just some of the examples of her behavior which I now realize were highly narcissistic, in my view. Perhaps some of you can relate.

[bloomie]

It's amazing what we can recognize in hindsight.

Isn't this the truth and some really good news!!!

Desperately needing accolades and perpetual victimhood... yep, and yep! And exhausting. I can so relate!

It does get to the point that we don't choose to spend our time and energy on this kind of a relationship - if you can even call it a relationship.

We move on with kindness toward ourselves and others all the while protecting our newly formed boundaries and trusting our healthy strengthening instincts about what does and does not work in close relationship with us. Hard stuff to have this friendship fracture, but so wise to know it's okay to move on without this person in your next chapter.

[Mintstripes]

Bloomie,
Yes exactly, the energy dispensed in these kinds of interactions wears you down. Especially when they take more of your energy than they give, or rarely offer support if YOU are going through a hard time. I have been in this situation often, that is, feeling like a mere sounding board with “energy vampires”.

Thank you for your understanding! It’s true. I can hang on to the good memories of earlier days (this is a 15-year friendship we’re talking about here), while still recognizing that the relationship no longer contributes positivity to my life. Particularly because I’m now pregnant and don’t want anyone’s drama to “infect” my joy, you know? I need to be using that energy for my children.

On that note, I took my DD for an outing this weekend and we were having so much fun. It crossed my mind how much better off I am without drama-seekers/PDs in my life. I no longer dread their texts or communications because we have ceased contact. I only associate with people who are more emotionally stable, don’t try to use me as their free therapist, and are uplifting instead of tiring!

[Mintstripes]

It's funny because this friend would go on and on about all her special, superior, expensive products but would make really rookie mistakes and unsafe decisions like leaving her baby alone on a changing table and OOPS, the baby fell! Duh?!! Instead of admitting her mistake, she kept trying to justify it and figuring out a "better" way to leave the kid on the changing table unsupervised. Like hello? You have a crib? Put the kid in there?!! Gah. So many stories like that. Your organic baby wipes won't help when the kid has an injury because of your poor decisions.