Follow-up: NPD father near death and brother's true intentions

[footprint33]

Hello all,

Last month, I wrote about how a former friend who I had not seen in 25 years due to her ganging up on me with my parents and brothers back when we were in our early 20s came to see me and stayed with me, my husband and two children for a weekend. I'd decided to give her a second chance since so much time had passed and she hadn't had any connection to my FOO in 20 years. Upon leaving after her visit, however, she was promptly in touch with one of my brothers and then bombarded me with images of my parents and a video that my brother had sent to her. It was a betrayal and I have had no contact with her since then. She has also gone NC with me and sent me nothing other than a "thumbs up" emoji when I told her I wouldn't be listening to a bunch of voice clips or viewing images she had sent me through FB.

I'm writing today because there has been some development in this story, not in regards to that woman, but in regards to my brother with whom she communicated.

I'm the scapegoat and had had little to no contact with this brother between 2009-2021. In 2021, I heard from a cousin that my father was very ill, and so decided to write my father a short email. I'd had no contact at all with him since 2016. I wrote the email more for myself than for him, realizing that I wanted to send it before he died. In it, I was not very emotional and simply told him that I'd heard he was ill and wished him well. My father proceeded to use that opportunity to treat me in a toxic way via email, and so I quickly went back to NC with him. I felt in my heart that I'd done the right thing even though it set me back and I was triggered for a few months.

About a month after I'd contacted my father in 2021, I received an email from my brother, who I will call Chris. Chris was the GC growing up, though from what I'd heard, his life was in shambles. Based on my knowledge of what NPD parents do, I pretty much assumed that my other brother, the youngest in our family and who has all the signs of a full-blown sociopath, had probably become the GC. In any case, Chris simply said at the time that he'd heard I'd contacted our father, thought it was nice, and asked if I'd like to see him because he was traveling through the city I live in. I told him yes, we met, and although the meeting was a bit awkward, I had some hopes after that that we might have reconnected.

During that meeting, he continued to say that he thought it was interesting and "sweet" I'd contacted my father. This becomes important later for the story.

Chris was not involved in the incident in 2009 following the birth of my first child that acted as the catalyst for my going NC with the whole family. However, he'd been a  bad sibling our whole lives, and he never bothered to contact me when I went VLC and then NC to ask what had happened, express concern, etc. But time had gone by and I gave him the benefit of the doubt in 2021 since he was not involved in that incident, which had been one of the most painful of my life. I thought that maybe he was clueless, that my parents and other brother had lied to him (they were all involved in the incident), and that perhaps there was a chance we could reconnect.

As a child, Chris was super entitled and felt that he deserved all of the GC treatment he received from our parents. Chris was also very materialistic from a young age and was constantly interested in our parents buying him more and more, which turned into him getting larger items when he was older. Between his teens and 20s, my parents gave him all of their cars second hand when they were done using them and off to buy new cars for themselves. My youngest brother and I never received anything of that sort, though my youngest brother still got way more than I did. Both of my brothers but especially GC Chris are still receiving money as far as I know, including things like large chunks of change for homes they bought. They are both wealthier than I am. I'm a lifelong renter and have never owned much, and my parents haven't given me a dime since I was about 22. I'm 49 now.

I'm giving those details because when Chris reached out to me in 2021 shortly after I'd contacted me father, I believed that his intentions were pure and that he wanted to reconnect. But based on some things related to what happened with ex-friend last month, I no longer believe this and think that whatever money my parents have is what my brother is interested in.

About a week before ex-friend visited back in November, my brother sent me a text message with a link to a tik tok video of his kids dancing. He said nothing about my father's health. He also made a second trip to the city I live in back in August and I saw him very briefly, for about an hour, and he said nothing at that time about my father's health. So after my interaction with ex-friend, I ultimately decided to send Chris a text, which went something like this: "Is our father on his deathbed? I'm hearing from people who barely know the family that he is. You recently sent me a tik tok video of your kids dancing and also said nothing about our father's health when you were here in August."

He quickly responded and sent me the same pics he'd sent to ex-friend, which are of my father looking very frail. He said that my mother had told him she'd tried to contact me about our father's health and that I'd never responded, and so he thought he'd just "let it be." Then he also added that our mother is now "batshit crazy." His response makes no sense and doesn't add up, and so I think he is flat-out lying because: 1. He knows full well that I've had no contact with my mother for years and he's the only one from FOO I'm in contact with. My mother never tried to contact me. 2. He calls her batshit crazy, so if he thinks she's crazy, why would he not contact me to give me the info that my father is dying. Although there's not much I'd do with the info, it's important info to give to me. He's sending that info to random people like ex-friend but not to his own sister.

Other info he gave to me at that time included that my parents had both been moved to a nursing home and were "trying to escape back to their house." And he said that my father has been given 6 months to live for the past 2 years and keeps living, so "not to count him out yet." These types of comments, in addition to the one about our mother being "batshit crazy," are very disrespectful of our parents and do not point to his treatment of them as very sensitive.

I never wrote anything else to him other than that our mother had never contacted me. Since then, communication with him has been silent. He provided no other details to me, such as where my parents are now located, name of the nursing home, etc.

After talking with the one cousin I'm very close with, who is herself estranged from everyone in her family except for her sister, I think that my brother contacted me in 2021 simply because he is after my parents' estate and was perhaps worried I might get something from it. From my perspective, he has little to worry about as he's always gotten everything he wants and I've assumed nothing. It seems clear that I'll be disinherited, something I came to terms with years ago when I went NC. It's possible that since my brother's life went off the rails, however, my parents changed their tune with him. My cousin emphasized that my brother has always been about money and his financial life is now not very good. His three daughters are all in therapy and the youngest is now a trans-boy, something I doubt goes over well in the family.

All that said, I did look at the pictures of my father that Chris sent and my father looks bad. He was a physically heavy man most of my life and he has lost a ton of weight and is very thin. This was a shock for me and so I had a few bad nights of sleep after seeing them because I was experiencing the visceral aspect of his body being dead. I was also triggered thinking that my brother only contacted me back in 2021 to keep me out of the picture as best he can so he can go after my parents' money. But that actually makes the most sense. His communications with me since 2021 have been very far, few, and somewhat cold. I kept asking myself, "why did he contact me?" And this answer of him contacting me precisely so that he could control things and perhaps even create a new narrative about me and my life where I live, makes the most sense.

There's nothing I can do at this point. If anything, I think that NC with everyone, including Chris, is probably the key to this situation. I am considering not even responding to Chris when he sends me the inevitable news that our father has died. While that might seem like an angry thing to do, I just feel that any response I could send upon learning of my father's death will be ridiculed, and that I'm better off not responding at all. I also don't want to acknowledge anything he has to say if he brings up me being disinherited. It seems like a final mean blow that he'd likely hand to me and I'd just have to respond "ok" or something like that. Why even acknowledge it?

As an aside, I'd add that I've learned my brother is now with the woman who was his ex-wife's best friend, and that they'd had an affair for 5 years before the divorce. They are not married but are living together in her home and co-parenting their kids, which total 5 or 6. My brother is a lawyer, and while some lawyers can be very good people, even exceptional, I've found that many are money-grubbers. These are just some added details about who Chris is as a person.

I realize that this post is very long and do not know if anyone has the time to read it. If you do, thank you. The one point I'm at now is the question of how to respond or not respond to Chris when he sends me the news of my father's death. I'm leaning towards no response and complete NC with everyone, perhaps especially Chris, though am open to other possibilities.

footprint

[walking on broken glass]

Hi footprint!
Just a quick message to say that I don't think there is a right or wrong answer here about how to respond. Do what you feel will cause you the least pain and trouble. Another thing to keep in mind is that you might not be able to predict how exactly you will feel when your father dies. All the thoughts you have now and the plans you make in your head may change. The death of a parent, and one that has been abusive and you are estranged from, is an emotionally complicated matter. Give yourself time and take things easy, when it happens. As for your brother, although it is impossible to tell what his motives were, it sounds like he's not a person you like and it does not do you good to be in touch with him. I would probably keep very low contact and would not get out of my way to see or talk to him.

I am sorry for all the new stressful developments. You do know your own mind and that's what's important at the end of the day.

[footprint33]

Another thing to keep in mind is that you might not be able to predict how exactly you will feel when your father dies. All the thoughts you have now and the plans you make in your head may change. The death of a parent, and one that has been abusive and you are estranged from, is an emotionally complicated matter.

Thank you for this, WalkingOnBrokenGlass. My therapist also said that once my father dies, I will have a better idea about how to proceed. One of my issues is that since childhood, I'm vigilant, perhaps hyper vigilant about future or even hypothetical catastrophes and planning for how I'll respond or deal with them. When I was a child, dealing with my parents was like walking on eggshells and they could be set off easily, even by small things, so I feel that I created a habit of always preparing for the worst.

My gut tells me that I should no longer have any communication with my brother. I suppose that this feeling may change too and I'll just have to wait. For me, I lost all trust after learning that he was sending intimate photos of our sick father to ex-friend (who barely knows our father and hasn't seen him in decades). My brother only contacted her because he saw that she'd posted a photo of me with my kids on FB after she came to visit us, and the two of them are connected there (I'm not connected to my brother on any social media). I'm not sure what all that means, as in why he would send those pics to her or even contact her, but for whatever reason he did it, it strikes me as toxic.

Thanks so much and Happy New Year!

footprint

[walking on broken glass]

I can definitely relate to the sentiment of having to mentally prepare for everything and being hyper vigilant! It is one of the perks of growing up in an unstable and/or unsafe environment, where that was the only thing that gave you some semblance of control. But I keep trying to remind myself that I am an adult now and noone can force me to do anything I don't want to do, and if they don't like it or react badly, so be it.

Listen to your gut about your brother! Even if he didn't have any sinister intentions, he does not sound emotionally mature and trustworthy.

Happy New Year to you too 🎊

[Cat of the Canals]

I see something of a double standard here. When your friend sent you the messages with information about your parents, you were upset because it felt like a violation of your boundaries. Now you're upset that your brother didn't send you the same information.

I'm not trying to pick on you or be a jerk in pointing this out. I sense that this whole thing has been very triggering for you, understandably. And I think being in that vulnerable state is maybe pushing you into a place of distrust.

Given that you're NC, I think it's reasonable for your brother to assume that the topic of your parents is off limits. Now, some people might assume that you would still want to know of certain things, like a change in health status or imminent death. But others might assume you'd rather not know anything. Others might simply not want to be "the messenger" in such a scenario. If you haven't explicitly told him, "I don't want to discuss our parents, unless there's a life and death issue at hand," he might have been holding back because he was trying to be respectful of your boundaries.

And even if you had made that request of him, he doesn't sound overly concerned about your parents at the moment. Remember that you've been NC for many years. For you, it's a complete shock to see what your father looks like now, because it may as well have happened overnight. In your head, he's the same he's always been. Now you see all the aging that's occurred during NC, all at once. But if Chris has had contact with your parents in the interim, even if just through photos on social media, he's probably seen the gradual progression. It's not shocking for him to see your father as a frail old man. He's probably seen him that way for quite some time. I can imagine it wouldn't even occur to him to tell you, "Hey, mom and dad are very old now, and they look it." Or to randomly provide you with the name and location of their nursing home. In fact, if I was NC and someone sent me that information out of the blue, I would interpret it as a guilt-trippy implication that I should visit. 

Then there's the fact that your mother told him she tried to contact you. Whether she did or not, I think it's reasonable for him to have believed her and considered the issue settled, even if he does think she's "batshit crazy." You're right, it's not the most sensitive way to speak about her, but I would be lying if I told you I've never said the same about my own PDmom. Sometimes we're flippant about these things. My mother also tends to exaggerate and sometimes outright lies. That doesn't mean I question every word out of her mouth -- that would be too exhausting. I have to let my instincts guide me, which is hard because I've spent most of my life accepting everything she said as fact. I have to make a conscious effort to question her "facts" when something feels off.

I do think it's a little odd that he'd send this stuff to your friend... on the other hand, maybe he has no one else to talk about it with, and when she reached out, he took that opportunity to unload. It's not uncommon for children from dysfunctional families to have problems with oversharing. For all we know, she might have asked him for pictures and videos.

All that being said, you know your brother and family dynamics best, and it doesn't really sound like you owe any of them the benefit of the doubt, so feel free to take my words with a grain of salt.

And whether he has ulterior motives or not, you aren't under any obligation to remain in contact with your brother. If remaining in contact is causing this much stress, that enough seems like good enough reason to put things on hold for a while.

[footprint33]

Hi CatoftheCanals,

Thank you for reading my post, I know it was long. One of the points buried in there was that the only reason my brother contacted me in 2021 was because I had written to my father to express concern when I'd heard he was ill. If anything, the topic of my father's health and my concern for it was what brought us back into contact with one another. Since I've had this minimal contact with Chris since 2021, I'd assumed that he would be the one to inform me of my father's health (and subsequent death), and that I would no longer be reaching out to my father.

Chris also knows that my relationship with my father is much more complex than the one I have with my mother. I was my mother's SG from day 1 in life and later became my father's SG too, probably in part due to her influence and also to my own increased sense of independence during my teenage years. In the end, the situation with both parents was very bad for me, though my earliest years were marked mainly by the way my mother treated me.

Regarding my boundaries and NC, in retrospect, the easiest period for me was probably between 2016-2021 when I was completely NC with all of them. But I felt in 2021 that I did not want my father to die thinking I was very angry at him, which at that point I wasn't and am not really now either, though I think he's a lost person and became more narcissistic and mean the older he got. I do understand what you say about how boundaries around my NC are confusing, however. But this is the situation for me now, which is not clean cut.

As for my mother, there is no complexity similar to the one with my father and I have a major boundary with her that I emphasized with Chris when I saw him in person. He knows that I have no contact with her at all and haven't for years, and that I see her has ground zero in how I became the family SG. So that bit he said about my mother contacting me and me not responding made no sense at all.

It was a blow for me to see that Chris sent intimate info about our father to ex-friend, who in turn blasted me with it. I was not prepared to see any of that coming from her. Had it come from my brother, as it later did, I would perhaps have been more prepared. I also feel that she had no right to that information. Perhaps I am not in the right to feel that way, but that's how I feel. She doesn't know the family well and hasn't seen any of them in 20+ years.

I'm not sure what Chris' intentions were but I'm no longer giving him the benefit of the doubt I've given him since 2021. Although I can't make a decision on how I'll react when/if he reaches out to inform me that our father has died, my heart is leaning towards saying nothing, or at least the bare minimum.

footprint