Noticing Daughter Acting Like Her Father Used to towards me

[unicorn]

My daughter, who is now 14, seems to always have an opinion on what mom is doing, buying, seeing, etc. I feel suffocated by her, similar to how I used to feel with ex-husband. She is also not doing well with my boyfriend who has been intermittently around them for the past 7 months at this point. We have been trying to take things very slowly with the kids and we are in no rush. My other two seem ok with him, but she makes fun of him and just clearly doesn't like him. Based on what she says about him and to me, I feel as though her father is encouraging this behavior at his home and probably directing it.

I am going to see my counselor tomorrow, but didn't know if anyone had any experience on this. I need to know what to say to her when she picks on me or says things about him. Also, I feel like I should NEVER have bf around my ex husband. Am i right?

[notrightinthehead]

Not sure what bothers you - do you feel that your daughter is critical of you? Do you feel undermined by her? Is she triggering your insecurities?
IME teenagers have a lot of opinions, many of them unformed and prone to change, they are experimenting and try on opinions they observe on others. And teenagers challenge their elders. A lot. I found medium chill a good way to remain patient, kind, and tolerant with my kids. You are the adult in this relationship. You don't need your daughter's approval. You show her what kind of behaviour you are willing to tolerate and where you draw the line.

[athene1399]

You can ask her why she comments on everything you do. If it is learned behavior from her father, she may not even realize she is doing it.

But as notright said, teens can be very opinionated. They are trying to figure out their own voice and their place in the world so they have a tendency to challenge adults and the way the adults think. That doesn't make it easy to deal with. But it may not have anything to do with your ex at all. And if she is just being nasty, you can ask her not to say mean things to you because it's not how we talk to people.

How can you feel better about what she is saying? You say you feel suffocated. What about it makes you feel that way? is there a way you can counter that?

[Penny Lane]

We've been going through this with my DSS who is about to enter his teenage years. He does something that reminds DH of BM, DH gets triggered and worried his son is acquiring a PD (or at least fleas). But what we realized was - BM always acts like a teenager, OF COURSE teenagers are going to exhibit some of the same behaviors as her! In fact teenagers can't even be diagnosed with a PD because those behaviors are developmentally normal and likely to be grown out of.

I'm not saying that her dad isn't encouraging it - I'm sure he is. But my point is that the more you treat this as normal teenage defiance and address the behaviors, the quicker she'll get out of this phase.

So I think the biggest problem here is you getting triggered by the behavior. It's going to be much more difficult for you to react appropriately if you're back in the mindset of being with your ex. Some strategies: When she does this, take a 10 minute break before you respond; have some kind of mantra; keep a go-to stock phrase or two that you know you can say calmly (DH likes to praise DSS for hitting his developmental milestones when he's getting extra teenager-ish). Your counselor can probably help with others.

Once you're able to calm yourself down, I think you want to project a firm, calm mom who allows the kids to express their feelings but not to be rude. And above all else - don't get outwardly upset at the rudeness! She's trying to get a rise out of you, just like a toddler throwing a tantrum.

Some examples of things you could say when she criticizes you:
"Good thing you don't have to wear it!"
"Huh. Well I like it."
"That's rude, I'm going to walk away and we can talk when you're ready to express yourself politely."

With the boyfriend, it's a little trickier because you do want to hear any real concerns and help her process any tough feelings. I think the attitude here is "you don't have to like him but you do need to be respectful." On your end that means hearing her out, sometimes, considering her feelings and really thinking about whether you can accommodate them, and then ending the discussion when it becomes pointless.

Also! See if you can make some one on one time to spend with her. Part of this is probably that she needs/wants your attention and doesn't really know how to express it.

Remember - she's not your ex, she's your daughter, right now she needs to learn how to express her feelings and opinions in a non-PDish way, and you can help her do that! It's going to be OK, really.

About whether your bf should ever be around your ex - if you can swing it, yes!!! I would love it if I never had to see DH's ex. No good has ever come from it. Depending on how serious you get that might not be feasible. But it's definitely a reasonable goal.

[unicorn]

Thank you all! i do think it's more of a teenage thing now. I talked to my therapist about how to handle her, and hopefully I can continue to keep her from triggering my issues that stem from her dad. This is my first teenager... I do appreciate your insight!

[SparkStillLit]

I have two, and they do act like PDs. But I've always said updh acts just like a bratty teen. They even butt heads because....no one is being the adult!!! Also he cannot stand being challenged by them, and one of ours challenges just to do so, I swear. Being the adult and stepping off is the thing to do there, but heck no, not him. He'll go right at it.
I keep having to remind myself what is normal teenage behavior, as compared to that same behavior in a grown adult.

[athene1399]

I know SO and I would get very worried thinking "OH no! SD is acting just like BM!" (when she was age 14-18) but then as SD started maturing and BM didn't, we realized it's just because of SD being a teen and going through a normal process. BM is still very much like a child and it drives SD nuts sometimes. I think that why they did act the same for a bit. And like SparkStillLit said, BM and SD would butt heads constantly because of this. We realized sometimes we had to let it go where BM would never let it go and that would cause problems between her and SD. 

Teens are difficult because they are battling to become adults and want more control even though their brains aren't completely mature yet. Sometimes SD would argue just to argue. And it was over the dumbest thing. Where SO could drop it after realizing it was a dumb argument that would go nowhere, if BM was in a similar situation, she couldn't drop it.

I'm glad you were able to work through some of this with your T. I hope this gets better for you.