My husband died, what to do with MIL?

[daughter]

My question: does DIL even happily agree to her planned fly-in visit to see new baby?  Me, as GDIL,  I'd be decidedly cool to my DH's difficult GM deeming to exercise her supposed right to visit baby for anything longer than a brief afternoon encounter.

I recommend curtailing your enabling these sort of trips Herron, including this anticipated airplane trip to visit your son. It's okay to say "no, I can't arrange that", w/o JADE. It's okay to selectively edit information (incl your own travel plans) that you choose to share w/her. It's okay to disregard her assumptions, her presumptions, and her expectations of you "delivering to her demands".  Me, I think your "several phone calls a month" generosity is already a substantial "gift" that seems unappreciated and ill-deserved.

[Awesome516]

Hi daughter, thanks for your input. After seeing all these logical responses, I realized I was part of the problem. We never had definite plans anyway, for the baby isn't due for a couple of months. I was getting myself way too worked up over this, just like I used to when the old family obligations arose. Every time I've spoken with NMIL lately she mentions how excited she is about going to visit. Most importantly, everyone tells her she just can't be a great grandmother because she looks so young!  Obviously I took the bait again, thinking that only a selfish DIL would keep an elderly (but gorgeous) MIL away from such a happy time. How crazy am I?

The majority of the time I keep a healthy distance. Rarely do I answer the phone when she calls - I get back to when and if I want.  Most often I text because it beats having a conversation.  Actually, it's a monologue that requires very little response from me. She just never stops talking; the subjects are either mind-numbingly boring, a political rant, envious women or some awful thing my dead FIL did to her decades ago.   Spending hours in a plane with her simply can't happen again. It's thinking of what I'll say to shut it down as it keeps coming up. I can do this!

My son and DIL are very patient with her. We stay at a hotel ( separate rooms) so I can keep the visits short and easy for them, and I'd never go if they aren't ready for visitors. My kids know how she can be but H and I kept the worst stuff from them when they were young. They do their part texting, sending pictures and a quick call now and then.  We can work together on stalling this indefinitely. Meanwhile, I can look forward to my own trips to see these precious kids and grand babies. My husband made tremendous progress before died - maybe he's guiding me through - if I'd only calm down and stop looking for trouble that hasn't happened yet!  Thanks for everyone's thoughts.

[daughter]

Your DS' and DIL's kind patience in past is no indication that they'll feel same way during the 1st half-year+ after baby arrives.  I'd strive mightily to tread softly here, regarding your own visits, so as to remain welcome, and nix GGM's future visits altogether if it requires plane travel and hotels. She doesn't "get to visit", not under those circumstances, not with that back history. 

[lkdrymom]

I certainly feel for you.   So far you are doing the right thing, not answering right away and putting off responding.  The monologues sound just like my grandmother.  The world revolved around her and "they' would tell her how young and beautiful she looked.  Never found out who 'they' were.

A few points.....she needs to be INVITED to see the baby first.  You don't need to tell her that you visited.  Keep putting her off on this trip.  Tell her that daughter is not up to a bunch of visitors.  Quite frankly I think her visit needs to be arranged with your daughter and not through you.  I know that is kind of mean to push it off on your daughter.  After your solo visit make up excuses why you can't visit,...no time...lack of funds, whatever.  My father keeps asking me to take him back to his old coffee shop.  The problem is it would take all day to take him there and I don't have a day to waste on a coffee run. Plus he can barely walk and is a fall risk. Last time I had him over he needed complete help in the bathroom which is where I draw the line.  On top of all this I am sure things have changed there and he will be disappointed that people don't remember him.  (Daughter took him to a regular restaurant he used to go to and this is what happened).

As far as the long term, I would let her know of your (not so immediate) plans of moving near your kids and what her plans are.  Do a little research into adult communities/AL so she is set before you go. Don't fall for the guilt that she will be all alone.  You can't live your life to make someone else happy at your expense.

[Awesome516]

Hi lkdrymom. Thanks for your input. Your grandmother sounds very similar. "They" and "everyone" are "always shocked" that she's 82. She loves to play the "guess how old I am" game. It's really fun if I happen to be with her and "they" think we're sisters. Yes, it's annoying and I sound shallow but it's one of many examples of why I'm so tired of her.  In the next sentence  she'll tell me that soon my friends will start dying just like hers. Dropping like flies!  I'm just a kid she says, (I'm 62) but just wait!  Next, it's all about how she can't stand people her own age because they're in terrible shape and can't keep up with her. And they have so many wrinkles!  So she tries to befriend the younger people in her over 55 community but says they're boring and have nothing of interest to talk about.

Recently she hurt her back, so she won't be able to lift her carry on bag on to the conveyor belt so certainly I'll do it, right?  And of course I'll stay with her in the security line even though I have TSA pre-check and she doesn't. After all, she's over 75 so no need to remove her shoes and that will save a lot of time. No one ever believes she's over 75 and she'll need to keep her ID handy for proof. And disbelief! And her jewelry- she simply must wear it because otherwise her outfit won't look nice, but surely security  won't make her take it off because of her age...  she never goes without bracelets and necklaces because they look so good on her.  This was just one conversation when the subject of seeing the new baby came up. It's mind numbing.

Though my son and DIL would be OK with a short visit when they feel ready, I've decided It. Won't. Happen. My sanity is much more important. I'll use any reasons like lkdrymom mentioned, no problem. I can't believe I was getting so worked up over this. So many of you made me see this was my old anxiety coming to the surface.

As for MIL considering assisted living, no way, there are old people lined up in wheel chairs!!  She looked at two recommended places nearby, but that's her story and she's sticking to it. She won't even put her name on a list. It makes me so mad because one of them starts with independent living all the way through to skilled nursing care without another move. Financially she qualifies. How fortunate can she be?  I tried to appeal to her giving me peace of mind when I travel.  Silly me!  Oh well, I talked to a geriatric care manager for other resources, so that's enough. It will probably a crisis that will make a decision for her, but that's just too bad. For so many years my husband and I dealt with the craziness together, and I let it overwhelm me unnecessarily. Believe it or not, I usually function pretty well.