the trauma is a shadow and this is mostly a vent

[xredshoesx]

hey all,

have you all had a similar experience where that hurt from the past just gets highlighted from unfair situations in the now?

backstory: i've been NC with my uPD mother more than half my life and VLC with my father since i found him when i was 18.  both my parents had children with other people, NC with my half brother with uPD mother, also VLC with my fathers other daughters who are a lot younger than me and who i met for the first time when i was 21.  i grew up either being rasied by my uPD mother's abusive parents or in foster care with the exception of when my mother was remarried (and at some point her ex even had custody of me)

so anyways, present day.  i work in education, in a large urban, high poverty district.  between budget cuts and the pandemic we have been on a technology shortage since the 20-21 school year.  the district prioritizes who gets tech (ELA/ MATH) bc that's the scores the state looks at for evaluation purposes.  I no longer teach either of those subjects.   literally for the last three school years i have had to beg, borrow and literally STEAL to get tech for my classes.  it makes me super mad and i think i finally figured out why.

i am the only child my parents share but they had other kids with other people.  my mother's first child was raised by her parents as my uncle.  my father had three other children with his second wife.  none of those kids ever had to struggle like i did coming up and i guess it's triggering for me when i'm at work and people are getting everything they need to get their kids to be successful and i'm here texting photos to my DH of 1993 tech that we pulled out of a closet somewhere and trying to make it work any way we can so i can have a projector and speakers to show instructional videos/ present course materials, a document camera so students can share their work with the class and we can model what A work is ,etc.    i take very good care of my computer cart bc i had to FIGHT TO GET ONE and i have the basic level IT skills to keep stuff in order.

some examples-  when we ll had to go back online for the 21-22 SY they raided my cart to give computers to families.  ok i get that.  but then the kids didn't come back and all my face to face kids still needed them for the PM class bc the ELA teacher was all online but i was in the building so i broke into classrooms and found computers/ cords that worked and left notes for the teachers which serial numbers i took bc again my kids needed them too,

a teacher left last year and i kicked myself for coming into work 5 minutes later than usual bc someone else went in her room before i could and took her digital whiteboard..... (to be fair this teacher needed it too)

then they didn't send enough books for one of the middle school classes so i had to share my cart with that teacher and it never came back and i had to work with 6 classes a day by borrowing tech from a different teacher each hour to do our curriculum bc i didn't teach math/ ela so it wasn't a priority. 

i finally got my own cart for the first time since nov 2021 right before thanksgiving break bc a math teacher they hired never showed up and i walked down and laid claim on the cart.....

so here's the vent part.  right before we started school i had 32 computers.  when i walked out of the building on june 28 (we go late) every single one worked.  i know they are gonna use my cart for summer school and i resigned myself to not letting it get to me when i came back in august to see my stuff torn up.  by some miracle of the universe and or planetary alignment i had 34 computers when i came back and 32 of them worked. 

then we get an email that they are raiding the cards to make middle school classes have enough for the bigger class sizes now that we have no covid caps on numbers of people in rooms.... so i fix my face and make sure the 24 computers i have left still work. 

it just made me so mad tho.  i saw my mother's parents FAWN AND FAVOR my half brother my entire life.  they've bailed him out of every kind of trouble, helped him with school, let him live there rent free with his wife- you name it.  meanwhile i had to pay them rent in high school (to teach me a lesson i guess) and the last time i had any real contact with them her father sold me two used tires.....  for my dad's girls they were all sent to private school (bc they were so smart) and my living sisters both went to ivy league schools.....meanwhile i'm homeless at 18 and collected cans to pay my community college tuition.

i'm just so tired of having to fight and struggle to get what everyone else gets without the same level of fight.   i get the same evaluation as everyone else in my building and incorporating technology is part of the criterion- yet i'm rocking an 1998 projector they don't even make parts for anymore while everyone else has a cool touch screen digital board that functions like a giant touch screen tablet..... i know it's a trauma talking but still it made me so MAD. 

i know it's not my boss being petty to me on purpose bc i am not the only one in the situation that doesn't have tech.  i'm just the only one who survived a shit ton of childhood ACES who may be having this response.

thanks for listening

[square]

It really is unfair. You deserved a mom and dad who looked out for you and provided what you needed. Thank you for looking out for your students' educations.

[Boat Babe]

I respect and admire you so, so much for your kick ass work with under privileged children. Previous and current political decisions have made life so hard for so many people and it's people like you who go into work every day to stem the tide of entropy and despair that keeps the whole thing from total collapse.   But you mustn't collapse either.   

I taught in UK state schools for twenty plus years and have done domestic violence work too. In great part as a healthy and positive reaction to my own rotten childhood. But it can also drain you and make you ill, so if you want to continue to do good, you must look after yourself to the max.  So give yourself all the self compassion you can in this moment of triggering. Don't take all the problems of the world on your shoulders or at least out them down once in a while. Spend time with good people. And remind yourself what an AMAZING person you are.

[xredshoesx]

ty ty ty square and boat babe

we're planning a little mini trip to see fam out of state for the end of the month, and if the weather permits, we'll be out in the woods each weekend between now and then.  after i had a good cry on it in the car the other day, i feel at peace with it.   my best boundary this year was going camping where we just couldn't get a signal.  no connectivity- no work interruptions after the school day is over = peace.

sometimes that shadow is crisper then others i guess. 

[bloomie]

xredshoesx -  You are an amazing success story and someone who has taken the injustice and failures of those who were entrusted to love, protect, and provide for you... to see you and know you and celebrate you, and you have turned that into a brilliant life that offers those very things you needed and didn't get to the kids in your care.

May those weekends in the woods and the trip away wash you with peace.

[Cat of the Canals]

I was frustrated and furious on your behalf just reading this, so I think a lot of your feelings are justified. That being said, I can understand how a traumatic history can make it all feel a lot more personal than it is.

I hope your trip is wonderfully peaceful.

[xredshoesx]

we had all district PD yesterday and when i rolled into my room at 7:30 to get caught up on grading before our meetings started a digital whiteboard, on wheels, was all prepped up and ready to use.  i ugly cried for two minutes and then installed my tech on it, put away my 1998 tech, and continued on my day.  there were other teachers who got one too for the first time to my understanding.....

[NarcKiddo]

we had all district PD yesterday and when i rolled into my room at 7:30 to get caught up on grading before our meetings started a digital whiteboard, on wheels, was all prepped up and ready to use.  i ugly cried for two minutes and then installed my tech on it, put away my 1998 tech, and continued on my day.  there were other teachers who got one too for the first time to my understanding.....

I'm so glad you got your new whiteboard.

And I totally get the trauma reaction because I am having the same right now. Recently started therapy. There has been a minor misunderstanding with the therapist, but it has come at a particularly bad time for me and I am away all of next week for a family funeral. So no chance to talk it through and sort it out properly until I get back. And I find myself right back as a child, contemplating fawning over her while actually wanting to run away from her forever, interspersed with detailed plans of how I am going to grey rock her because that is a great tactic now with my uNPD mother, so yeah, that will be really productive with my therapist.  Ugh.

[xredshoesx]

be gentle with yourself narckiddo-  i hope the funeral goes better than anticipated and i hope you can get back in soon