Pit of despair

[resrchbug]

I find myself in limbo. Filled with confusion and anxiety. How can it be that one day I am completely sure that in order to preserve my sanity and my very life, I must separate or divorce an unchanging BPD and then next, I call into question every memory, every decision and my own judgement? How in the name of all that's holy do I reconcile myself to take a course of action that hurts another human being so thoroughly. I know that he has neglected me and hurt me deeply over years of marriage but the remnants of who I married are still there. He says he loves me and cannot live without me. My soul feels torn. I cannot figure out how to not feel his pain. When I am with him and he is Mr. Hyde, at least I am feeling only my own pain. But when I go away from him or speak my truth, he seems to become so remorseful. Then my pain is doubled. I feel my own grief and sadness . . . and his.

Our daughter has declared herself done with her father and is pushing me to be done completely. To walk away. I don't know how to make myself take the steps that feel so terrible and so alien to me. I don't know how to take a lifetime of being a caretaker and a peacemaker and shove it all aside. I know I need to take care of myself  and it is not that I wish to suffer, or that I feel I deserve his treatment that stops me.

It is the realization that every human being has value, even the mentally ill. I still love the funny, charming and interesting man I thought I married. Against all better sense, I guess I still have hope that love would be enough, that he will put his words of love and care into action. He is a broken man. How can I break him further?

Even now, I sit 2 1/2 hours away, in another state from him and contemplate how I can make myself go back there. And how can I not?

[Poison Ivy]

I think you realize that at this point, the pain and challenges in your situation are coming less from your husband and more from within yourself.  Do you have a therapist or counselor or spiritual adviser who can help you work through these negative feelings about yourself? I truly believe that you have value other than as being the rescuer of a person who does not want to be rescued and the savior of a person who has treated you badly.

[hhaw]

Your words about caretaking, and giving worth to other people remind me of my own journey.

My Therapist told me to research codependence, and so I did.  If you take a look at this YouTube video by Pial Mellody something in it might strike a bell for you.  It certainly did for me.

My T said I felt things too deeply... without emotional distance.... my boundaries weren't in place, and so other people's pain, my dd's in the case I was discussing at the time.... meant I was overwhelmed and caught up too. 

If I could find some emotional distance, take care of myself, be well-rested, and detached in a healthy way I could be more responsive to the person suffering AND to myself and other loved ones.

Here's Pia's YouTube video if you think it might be helpful.
https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=codependence+pia+mellody

I will say this about being in a toxic marriage.... it's not the relationship you want to model for your daughter as appropriate, and what she'll repeat in her own life.  Maybe it is, but you have a right to be whole, and happy.  You're in charge of your life, not your husband's.

You can't heal him, and if he could heal himself he'd have already done it.  One person can make two people miserable in a relationship.  Maybe that describes your relationship with your husband?  Misery is something we get used to.  Like the frog in the pot of warm water..... and then it boils, and you didn't realize how hot it was getting. 

You can dream of something else, and you can pursue it.  You aren't obligated to stay in a marriage that makes you unhappy, IME.

That despair you're feeling.... is a messenger.  It's saying you might be in the wrong place.  It's uncomfortable for a reason... it might be time to make a move.

Or not.

[resrchbug]

Thank you for your responses. It does help to feel as if I am not the only one. I have an appt with a therapist on the 18th of this month. That was the soonest I could get in. Meanwhile, I will check out that link. My daughter is in a healthy, happy marriage and I do value her observations. It is always the nights when my brain will not turn off that I find myself so maudlin.

[hhaw]

Law enforcement officers engage in something called tactical breathing when they're in crisis situations. 

Breathe in  through your nose slowly for 4 seconds..... start filling the bottom of your lungs, pooch out your stomach, and fill them to the top.

Hold your breath for 4 seconds.

Breathe out slowly through your mouth.

Repeat 4 or 5 times, and notice how your body feels.  IS there tension?  Where?  What does it feel like?  Put your hand over it if you can  reach it.  Now give it a number of intensity from 1 - 10. 

Focus on that tension/pain/place in the body where your anxiety is showing up, and continue breathing in slowly, filling the vase from bottom up, and breathing out slowly as you focus mayne 10 times.

Check the body sensations again?  Is it the same?  Different?  Better?  What's the number this time? 

Again, focus on that sensation, and breathe another 10 in/out breaths slowly... if you lose focus, just shift back to the sensation again.  This is just practice.  No one does it perfectly.

Continue doing this as long as you're feeling better, and the number 1 - 10 improves.... it would be good to get it down to zero.

If you just can't focus, or are too upset to try... get up and push on a doorjamb with everything you have, and try to focus on your breathing... slow breaths in, slow breaths out.   After doing this for a minute or two,  see if you can't get back to identifying what the stress in your body feels like, usually it's between the throat and the pelvic.  It can be pressure, pain, tension... if it's pain... what kind of pain?  Stabbing pain?  Burning pain?  Put adjectives to it, describe it, and decide what intenstity it's at 1 - 10.

Go back to breatihng in slowly, filling vase from bottom up, and breathing out slowly while focused on the sensation, and continue till you can't improve it or it hits zero.

This might be better to focus on rather than feeling despair, and most of us don't try these things until we're feeling despair, IME.

It's helped me a lot, bc I can't shift myself out of fight or flight panic mode without addressing my biology.... there's chemicals involved, and parts of our brain get shut down that are necessary to HELP us stop the despair.  You aren't weak or sick, you're biology's been hijacked by your sympathetic nervous system.  Breathing slowly can engage your parasympathetic nervous system (PNS), located in your torso, to calm down your fight or flght system, and convince your body you're safe, you aren't in danger.... it's OK to shut off that flow of crisis chemicals.

If you notice the size and shape of that despair, it typically starts small, and ramps itself up, even as we try to resist it.  It's self-perpetuating.  I hope it's helpful to know there's a reason behind feeling this way, and you have the ability to shift it.

As you start shifting into calmer space, and soothing your biology you develop new brain pathways..... neurons that fire together, wire together.  You can give yourself more time before your body reacts, and provide milliseconds for your brain to engage higher thinking and select between responses you've begun cultivating.... like breathing, pushing on walls, patting your shoulders, one at a time, calmly... like you're soothing a baby... focusing on breathwork, and bodily sensations. 

New pathways get stronger, and heavier the more they're used, so practicing breathwork when we're calm, and in a good state of mind increases our ability to access response, rather than react.

My martial arts instructor sat me down, and told me to meditate in 2009.  I was facing life or death choices, and I just couldn't "meditate."  I hardened to the concept, and resented the word "meditate"... it made it harder for me to help myself.

THis year I learned what's happening in my body, what needs to happen to calm it down, and how those systems operate.  THIS made it easier for me to understand, and put into practice things that seemed alien and perhaps beyond my stressed abilities to practice. 

And we're all practicing.  80 yo monks are still practicing.... no one does it perfectly. 

The keys to doing it well enough are
embracing non judgmental focus....don't assign good or bad to ANYTHING... just get very curious and pay attention to your inner world... your body... the feelings you're experiencing.

Forgive yourself for everything you feel you've done wrong, and embrace yourself with massive amounts of compassion.

It's going to be OK, and if it's not OK....
it's still OK.

Good luck