Do you ever just feel bad being around certain people, and not sure why?

[Blueberry Pancakes]

In two weeks, my husband and I are travelling to attend a birthday party for one of his college buddies. Outwardly, this friend and his wife have always been friendly. However, I have never felt good being around them. Actually, I mostly feel bad about who I am. I do not have a managerial position at my job, I did not go to a well-known university, I do not live in a big glamourous city, and I do not have any achievements that would make the nightly news. These are my failures.
     
We live in a different state, so fortunately I only have to see this couple every few years. The friendship is my husband's, and he really likes them both. I think I just figured out though, that these people might just be superficial. Maybe there is some inauthenticity that I am sensing. Maybe behind the smiling faces, there is judgement. I am wondering if they are conveying something condescending to me just in their unspoken manner that I am picking up on. I used to think they did not think I was good enough for my husband. Now I wonder if they just need to come up with reasons why I am "lesser", so they get to feel better.     
   
I believe I am developing an increasing awareness of how to recognize dysfunction. Some of the warning signs do not come with flashing lights, and instead are subtle and easy to ignore. Some signs are simply just how you feel about yourself when you spend time with someone.

These "friends" of my husband's have never said an unkind thing to me, but I flat out feel lousy about myself after being around them. I want to honor my sense about them. I think I have just recognized these smiling and friendly people as actually unhealthy for me, and no one would believe me if I tried to tell them. 

[Srcyu]

I'm thinking you feel bad because you compare yourself to them academically? You possibly feel inadequate next to their apparent brilliance. Perhaps they talk about college days or their careers, conversations that you can not join in with very much.

I think a lot of us have felt like that around people who are apparently higher up the social scale.

Your list of "failures" are probably mine too and I do know how you feel.
I was once in the company of some 'clever young things.' It worked best for me to just be really friendly towards them and take an interest in what they were saying.

I hope you manage to enjoy the party somehow. Going along to it with your husband is definitely not a failing on your part.

[square]

It's worth considering whether the feeling of inadequacy comes from them or you.

But it could be them, even if you can't put your finger on it. I've had the privilege of meeting some very accomplished people in my life. Many of them have an energy that is such that you feel increased, not decreased, on meeting them. But some people, yeah, you start feeling inadequate.

And many of us here had feelings around toxic people long before seeing any toxicity. From the very first time I met MIL I felt stressed, but for years could not see anything wrong at all.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hey Blueberry!

I went through something very similar this past while as well. It wasn't about what the person said or did, and so it took me a while (at home, after the fact) to figure out why I just did not feel 'good' around these people.

I finally realized it was because of some stuff they didn't do. For example, I made a point of complimenting one of them on their outfit - and silence (where a more typical reaction is, oh thanks, I like your shirt too" sort of thing).

Ok, that in itself is obviously not a great amount of data to use to decide about someone, but it was one example of how they acted around me. Most conversations were about them, their accomplishments, their recent experiences. Nothing looked out of place while we were socializing, but then I got home and realized, I'm not really enjoying my time with them. I was mostly an audience for what they wanted to chit chat about...one-way small talk is not my thing.

Yep, I think we do get better at seeing when we're just not enjoying ourselves around certain people, even if they don't do the overt, obvious, narc-y things that we know are red flags.

If your gut is telling you that they are on the more superficial end of the 'depth' continuum, I would say to trust that. Do you also find small talk with superficial people is exhausting you after a while? I know I do. the energy drain became more apparent as I got further Out of the FOG and started to look at the non-narcs in my life - the garden variety "superficial" folks, who make small talk the entire visit. Boring!!...I realize a lot of people live like that, and are fine with it. But hey, different strokes for different folks. These folks are probably not 'your people'. Just knowing that, might make it easier to socialize with them next time (if you choose to).

Trees

[SonofThunder]

It's worth considering whether the feeling of inadequacy comes from them or you.

But it could be them, even if you can't put your finger on it. I've had the privilege of meeting some very accomplished people in my life. Many of them have an energy that is such that you feel increased, not decreased, on meeting them. But some people, yeah, you start feeling inadequate.

And many of us here had feelings around toxic people long before seeing any toxicity.

Hi BlueberryPancakes, 

I DO have a managerial job, I DID go to a well-known university, I DO live in a very sought-after city, and I DO have achievements that made the news.

The first one is a TON of work and a good pastor's older book is titled of 'The Lonely Whine of the Top Dog' is true and a place of severe misunderstanding. Sure, there are some perks, but there is also high risk, heavy responsibility and management's sensitivity radar needs to be on high, because there are a lot of ass-kissers who only befriend management to get themselves higher or associated for some privilege. When I walk into a break room, all the talking stops, and its sadly uncomfortable, so I don't. True friends are very-very few.

The second, third and fourth are, imo, similar to an engagement ring: Once everybody that matters has seen it in the first couple months, imo the one person who truly cares or notices afterward the most, is the bride-to-be (and the photographer at the wedding). 

Therefore, if you can appreciate your experiences for all they have been (take the bad with the good) and possibly enjoy where you live, thats imo, the only thing that matters about those items you mentioned.

SoT

[Boat Babe]

. Actually, I mostly feel bad about who I am. I do not have a managerial position at my job, I did not go to a well-known university, I do not live in a big glamourous city, and I do not have any achievements that would make the nightly news. These are my failures.
     

I'm really sad that you see these aspects of your life as failures. Management is so not the be all and end all of a person's career (the myth of the career is just that in my opinion but that's for a different convo). Prestigious universities mostly mean good networking during and after the experience. Lots of amazing education goes on in quiet provincial places of learning.  (I went to a very average uni and can hold my own, in my field, with anyone from Oxford or Cambridge). Glamourous cities have an underclass servicing the glamour - don't be fooled by the glitz - I'm from one of the greatest capital cities in the world and now live in the sticks. It's just different in is all.  As to achievements, know that we are finally known for who we are when we die -how much have we loved and been loved. I recently attended the funeral of a good friend. The guy had never lived outside of his area and worked as a plumber all his life. He was interesting in so many different ways (fantastic self taught musician, great conversationalist and general dude) and was remarkably humble. I never heard him boast once. His funeral service was standing room only. Everyone loved and respected him. That is the only real  achievement worth worrying about.

I can't comment on your husband's friends but they certainly don't sound like nightmare people. Perhaps they are snobs, perhaps they aren't.  You, dear Blueberry Pancakes, are worthy of respect for being a decent human being, not for any "failures" of education/career/achievement trajectory.  Let that stuff go my dear.

[SonofThunder]

. Actually, I mostly feel bad about who I am. I do not have a managerial position at my job, I did not go to a well-known university, I do not live in a big glamourous city, and I do not have any achievements that would make the nightly news. These are my failures.
     

I'm really sad that you see these aspects of your life as failures. Management is so not the be all and end all of a person's career (the myth of the career is just that in my opinion but that's for a different convo). Prestigious universities mostly mean good networking during and after the experience. Lots of amazing education goes on in quiet provincial places of learning.  (I went to a very average uni and can hold my own, in my field, with anyone from Oxford or Cambridge). Glamourous cities have an underclass servicing the glamour - don't be fooled by the glitz - I'm from one of the greatest capital cities in the world and now live in the sticks. It's just different in is all.  As to achievements, know that we are finally known for who we are when we die -how much have we loved and been loved. I recently attended the funeral of a good friend. The guy had never lived outside of his area and worked as a plumber all his life. He was interesting in so many different ways (fantastic self taught musician, great conversationalist and general dude) and was remarkably humble. I never heard him boast once. His funeral service was standing room only. Everyone loved and respected him. That is the only real  achievement worth worrying about.

I can't comment on your husband's friends but they certainly don't sound like nightmare people. Perhaps they are snobs, perhaps they aren't.  You, dear Blueberry Pancakes, are worthy of respect for being a decent human being, not for any "failures" of education/career/achievement trajectory.  Let that stuff go my dear.

+1

SoT

[notrightinthehead]

Blueberry, you have received great replies above. I want to add - could you consider the possibility that you are reading those people's minds and that the judgement you are putting in their mind is really your own, stemming from your own insecurities?
If that was so, this would be a great opportunity to address your own thoughts and expectations of yourself and do some self soothing and self love.
What made me think  (besides that I do that myself a lot) that these could be your own - unacknowledged-  thoughts about yourself that you project into these people's minds were your sentences

"Actually, I mostly feel bad about who I am.
I used to think they did not think I was good enough for my husband.
....have never said an unkind thing to me, but I flat out feel lousy about myself after being around them."

This is a lot of knowledge of thoughts of people who you only see once every few years. Please consider the possibility that these are your own thoughts that you project into them. If that were the case,  your self esteem and self love could need a little boost.

[Blodyn]

I too have experienced an uneasy feeling around specific individuals who left me feeling less than myself after being in their company.  It took me a while to figure out that it wasn't me but them.  Some people are very subtle with how they project their toxicity, and it isn't easy to detect, especially if you don't see them very often.

With one person in particular, I came away with a sense that I was not very clever, and that I was making poor decisions.  I would be feeling my normal self before meeting her but afterwards, I felt like I'd had my school homework marked with a red pen, if you get my meaning.

This friend has gone much further in her career than me and initially, I put my feelings down to my own sense of inferiority, and a little envy.  But then I reflected on how other people, who are far more qualified and experienced than she is, make me feel.  And I don't feel inferior in their company.  Quite the opposite.  They make me feel like I've achieved a great deal, and that they see me as someone who is both intelligent and capable.

What I'm getting at here is that it's not about status or qualifications.  When you're in the company of a toxic person, they will project onto you a sense of inferiority that doesn't belong to you.  When you're in the company of a healthy person, you'll feel a sense of your own true worth, and if you don't feel that, then they'll lift you up with their words until you do.

Feeling a sense of something being off should not be ignored. 

Hope this helps.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

This friend has gone much further in her career than me and initially, I put my feelings down to my own sense of inferiority, and a little envy.  But then I reflected on how other people, who are far more qualified and experienced than she is, make me feel.  And I don't feel inferior in their company.  Quite the opposite.  They make me feel like I've achieved a great deal, and that they see me as someone who is both intelligent and capable.

What I'm getting at here is that it's not about status or qualifications.  When you're in the company of a toxic person, they will project onto you a sense of inferiority that doesn't belong to you.  When you're in the company of a healthy person, you'll feel a sense of your own true worth, and if you don't feel that, then they'll lift you up with their words until you do.

Feeling a sense of something being off should not be ignored. 

Hope this helps.

Thank you so much Blodyn.  Yes, that, exactly. I think you get what I am trying to convey in this post. It is not the overt aspects. I think it seems to happen to those who may feel high on the empathic scale and can actually take on the feelings of those around them. When you don't feel good around certain people, yes, I think that can be something to signal something might be off even though logically and overtly you might not see it. The last thing you need is more self-condemnation. Good grief.

Many, many thanks for your insight on this dynamic and for replying.     

[Catothecat]

I know this isn't exactly what you're talking about, blueberry, because I KNOW what you're talking about having experienced similar feelings around some people that I cannot logically explain.  But then there's this--I have a long-time friend who is an absolute master at the subtle put-down.  She will make what seems a very benign comment that actually serves to "deflate" you.  She's done this to me time and again, when I was showing her something I'd just bought that pleased me or something I'd accomplished that I was proud of, for example.  It was often a yes, but... type of response.  As if I was asking for her opinion (when I wasn't). 

For a long time I thought it was just me, that I was being too sensitive or reading things into her comments that weren't intended.  But I no longer think that, because I started paying attention to how she interacted with others, as well, and I noticed she'd do it to others same as she did it to me.  Comments that they couldn't really respond to without giving the impression they "took it the wrong way."  But "the wrong way" is exactly what she intended.  She'd just retreat into her I would never do anything like that, a nice sweet girl like me! defense.  So what could I or anyone else say that wouldn't make us sound like an ass for accusing her of a put-down.  She was using her "nice guy all the time" persona to get away with it.

I finally got sick of it and started calling her on it.  Last time she did it, I was telling her about my mother's situation in her assisted living facility and how she has a very small apartment but she has her own place, and this friend made a face of disgust so I stared at her and said, what?  Naturally she said nothing, because I've discovered when I call her on her comments she never has a response, which to me is an indication that she's aware of what she's doing. 

I now equate people like that to bullies, just a more subtle variety but bullies nonetheless.

I'm sorry if I threadjacked!

[countrygirl]

Hi Blueberry Pancakes,

People who make you feel this way are insecure people, who are priding themselves on feeling superior to others.  They are actively looking for things to make themselves feel better.

I have been made to feel this way because of my appearance.  I strive to dress well, take good care of my hair and skin, watch my weight, but I am not a looker!  I'm not complaining, just starting a fact.  I know that this is not something that is just in my head.  For example once, my father insisted I meet a new friend of his, so even though we were short on time that day, we drove to see him.  Well, the second I stepped out of the car, this friend looked me up and down and snorted!  "You should see MY daughter!" he said, derisively.  Again, I was well groomed, so that wasn't it.  He said this before my father had even introduced us!(And, needless to say, I felt very uncomfortable during the introductions.  In hindsight, I wish I'd turned on my heel and gotten back in the car!  Instead, I actually said it was nice to meet him.  My father didn't defend me, by the way.)   

I have experienced this throughout my life.  I could give you numerous other examples of when things have been said, proving that this is not in my head.  I am always friendly and polite, too, so it's not as if I've done something to engender these statements.  When statements haven't been made, I have still received looks and I have picked up on people's opinions based upon their expressions and body language.  We all know that kids can be cruel.  Well, so can adults.   I certainly don't encounter this all of the time, but when it happens, it hurts.  So believe me when I say that I feel for you.  It might be some small solace to remind yourself that these are little, insecure people.  You would never treat someone as they treat you.

[Jolie40]

gratitude will help counter what you're feeling
write down what you're grateful in your life

we can't be other people & can only be who we are

as I age, I try not to care what other people "might" think of me
it's my opinion that counts as to me
why should I give power to other people & their opinions?

it's hard as I might "slip up" & care about what a sibling says and/or let her words get to me
I like to listen to "Titanium" by David Guetta and "Unstoppable" by Sia to bolster myself