Wow, I'm stunned at what my friend just said

Iamenoughmary · January 30, 2023, 11:59:10 AM

I am an introvert! I wrote about it here. My life has been much about social anxiety and being an introvert. I've been happy, being me. It's other people who didn't understand that stressed me. They didnt try to understand. After several years of reading, I started to see that being an introvert is quite ok! Now explain that to others

soo that friend who I speak about often here, kept on at me about the phone. "oh I must hear your voice" she kept saying.

Introverts hate the phone...wow that was an eye opener when I read it! . I wasn't crazy...I don't like phones...because I'm an introvert.. I'm not crazy...I'm just me...YES so freeing. When texting began I was so relieved. I can contact those I love and not fear the phone. I could reach out

try explaining that to one who is not receptive

She was really annoying me. Over and over about my voice.. I sent her a open honest text about since childhood how I have had social anxiety and phone fear. She didn't know it in school, I covered it up. I was honest and said to stop being upset about the phone, that it was not anything against her...its my issues. I told her some school situations, and things now that I have trouble with. I laid it out because I am so sick of her doing this stuff. Hear me, I thought, understand. Nope no go!! I was super nice to her.

Her reply "I know you have problems, but I need your voice" WHAT!!! Ok so it seems there's no getting thru to her, I'd be better off talking to a brick wall. These people who never experience the anxiety never get it and don't try to get it.

DONE now. The honest real explanation, from my heart did not get through. I think she's contrary. I have no other explanation

Another vent. I had too. I trust and cherish all of you here. sorry i kinda rambled. Just really stunned

moglow · January 30, 2023, 12:15:17 PM

How bizarre. I know you have problems but me me me what about MEEEE! NOT - "Hey i know you struggle with it. Have you talked to anyone, had any counseling that helped? Have you thought about about xyz therapy? I've heard good things about it."

But she neeeeeeeds to hear your voice? Occasionally maybe. Maybe not. Her needs are necessarily yours to provide.

Iamenoughmary · January 30, 2023, 01:54:03 PM

I have come to accept who I am, at age 69 I can be me now. No games, no pretending. I have no desire to be anywhere but loving nature, my pets, my children and my grand kids and husband. I lived trying to please, no more. I embrace who I am now. That would be, a kind, caring lover of nature, home and immediate family. Music, art, making my home pretty. These are my world. Be it small, its plenty big enough for me.. Shes just all about herself. I tested her and gave her a chance.. She only saw her side, and pitied herself

its ok to be an introvert. God made us all who we are.

Thank you moglow! You are always very helpful to everyone HUGS

countrygirl · January 30, 2023, 06:09:02 PM

Hi neverenouhmary,

Clearly, this woman only cares about her own needs. You opened up to her and she was not there for you: No, you have to be there for HER.

I had a friend who constantly wanted to travel places, when I am more of a homebody. Once she tried to get me to go to a tony resort with her family. I thanked her, but explained that I preferred to stay at home. Then she bragged about how much it cost per night! As if that proved I HAD to go, when it just turned me off further. Actually, she couldn't have paid me to go!

Some people just want what they want, and nuts to you! As if you'd want to talk to someone who was trying to force you to do something which you just don't want to do. Clearly, this woman should find other friends who like to chat on the phone.

I can enjoy going places, but, in general I am most happy at home. Maybe others find that boring, but I don't care. We only have so much time, and I think we should try to spend it doing what we want to do! Kuddos to you, neverenoughmary, for holding your ground with this friend!

notrightinthehead · January 31, 2023, 02:24:14 AM

I also believe that texting was the universe's gift to me. When having a texting conversation people don't go on and on, waffling about the same thing over and over, and if they do, I can skip it. I would have told my friend that I prefer texting, full stop.
You tried with an explanation, opened yourself up and showed your vulnerabilities. Seems like your friend couldn't deal with that in a way that would have made you closer. Pity.

Iamenoughmary · January 31, 2023, 06:00:44 AM

countrygirl, How true, we do only have so much time and as we age, its more precious to all of us. Good for you telling your friend you'd rather stay home. How awful of her to brag about the cost!! I agree that would have really made it a no go trip! Lets be who we are and to heck with them!

I even ask her if she needs to talk on the phone to all of her friends. She said she doesn't talk on the phone that much

It's clearly a stand off with me. Also she said if she receives a text, she replies, but never sends anyone a text

I got so tired of the trivial chat on the phone, the same over and over with her. I think as I near 70 I want more from life. I want to be happy. Talking on the phone with her just stresses me.

Me too, I love doing certain things. We go out to eat. We have dinners here with the kids and grand kids. We take long rides in the beautiful country side. I'm just not letting anyone dictate to me what I must do. We must enjoy what gives us peace.

Thank you friend for your support.

Iamenoughmary · January 31, 2023, 06:06:44 AM

notrightinthehead, Texting is great! I agree! Its so much easier and less stress. I have told her over and over that I like texting. Her reply was she likes to hear voices....

There's no getting through to her. I gave it a shot, Useless! I honestly dont know anyone who sits on a phone for 3 hours anymore. My friend lives in the past.

Thank you for your support

treesgrowslowly · January 31, 2023, 08:34:51 AM

Hi neverenoughmary,

I think you nailed it in your last post as well - your friend lives in the past. As you said, who talks on the phone for 3 hours anymore? Very few people. Maybe she wants that, but that is something she wants. Maybe because she misses being in high school....

I think maybe you experienced a 'hijack' here with her. I think they are common when we are talking to people who don't sort out their own 'baggage'. We tell them something about our selves, and they hijack the conversation, to make it about them. I had a ex who did this ALL the time (hence the ex lol).

The more open I was, the stronger his hijacking became.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with your feelings about talking on the phone.

Trees

moglow · January 31, 2023, 09:57:01 AM

That could be it - she's reliving past glory days and/or bored. She may have no other outlets and be fairly isolated, and with good reason from the sounds of it. Her so-called needs aren't yours to provide - remember you have needs too.

Whether introvert or simply wanting/needing the peace without lengthy phone calls, it's your call to make [pardon the pun!]. I work in an office where I'm "on" all day every day, front and center. When I get home I don't answer the phone except for a very few and even then it's rare. My phone goes on do not disturb, and weekends it's DND from Friday until Monday morning - I need the down time to regroup. I don't make excuses or explain, just tell people [when I decide I'm willing to talk] that phone was off. I'm not attached to it 24/7 and don't intend to be.

Iamenoughmary · February 01, 2023, 05:42:05 AM

treesgrowslowly, For sure, it was a 'hijack' ! You're spot on about her not sorting out her baggage, she never has been open or honest. Like your ex, the more I was open with her the more she made it about her needs. I have changed and don't want the type conversations we had. I think the difference is she truly is stuck in her old ways of doing things and I live in the 'now'
I'm glad I was open even tho it went right over her head. Thank you so much. Your insight means so much

Iamenoughmary · February 01, 2023, 05:52:35 AM

moglow, Thank you! It's validating that I don't have to be what she wants! She doesn't seem to care about my needs. I feel better that I was honest with her, if she doesn't want to accept it, its her issue. I love all the advice here. Its so helpful. You surely do need a break from the phone. Cheers to you for not needing to explain. I hope I get to that place. No better place to start than in the new year ahead. The advice here has me on the right path!

Adria · February 01, 2023, 09:22:08 AM

Dear neverenoughmary,

You are so enough! You are one of the few people in this world that has found peace with your soul. Introvert or whatever we label ourselves as, you can be in the world you have created for yourself and be truly satisfied and at peace knowing you are your own best friend. I am like that as well, and it gives me great peace knowing that if I do end up alone in my old age, I can and will handle it with grace and dignity, and be happy no matter what. That is a great place to be.

I'm sorry that your friend cannot seem to understand or respect that wonderful part of you. My guess, is maybe she doesn't have that kind of peace, so she want's a piece of you to fill that void in her life. She maybe wants what you have and doesn't know how to get it, so makes you feel bad for being who you are. Somewhat jealous perhaps?

Maybe if she wants to hear your voice, would it be easier to meet her and go for a walk or lunch or something instead of talking on the phone? That way, when you've had enough, you can make a graceful exit. I find it's different with different people. Some, I rather text, some I'm good on the phone, and others better in person. Maybe there can be some sort of happy medium if you still want her in your life. Like you, I sure don't understand why friendships have to be so tricky. To me it's easy, I'll be kind and thoughtful with you and you be kind and thoughtful with me. Pretty simple don't ya think? It seems many women only want to be your friend if they can run their agenda on you. I guess I'm more of a live and let live kind of person. You can do your thing and I can do mine, but we can have fun meeting somewhere in the middle. Hugs, Adria

Iamenoughmary · February 02, 2023, 06:52:23 AM

Adria, Thank you so much! I think you are right, she hasn't found that peace. Jealous, yes...I think that's true also. She's not one to be open. Shed never come on a forum like this. Maybe we are just to different.....

I did tell her I'd chat on phone for a short while. I wanted to set a boundary and hope she'd respect the time limit. I told her to call. We will see if she does call. I doubt it! I just won't do 3 hours anymore!

I so agree that some want to run their own agenda. I believe this is what shes doing....

Thanks again for your good advice

All of you here are amazing!