Triangulation Funeral Family

[sunshine702]

This might go under "common (odd!) behaviors but has a death, dying , funeral element to it.

I had childhood friends growing up 2 twins S and E. They had an older sisters K.  We lost touch after 18.  I went to E's surprise funeral - tragic auto accident when we were both mid 20's. 

So my dad texts me 2 pictures with two women one with him and one with my mom. No words at all.
I honestly had no idea....

Then the next day my mom calls to tell me that was s and sister k.  Oh wow yes.  And that their mom just died at 81 of panaceas cancer and they stopped into her hometown store

My Narc mom also proceeds to tell me how fun sister K was but how S didn't REALLY have to get back to her State Dept job.  And that S was always her mom's favorite but the K was so fun to be around.

Nothing about the service FOR ME.
She is triangulating their family in death.  Any facts about their lives are put in positive or negative column. And then relayed to me. 

I don't think I will go up but I might scour the paper for service location and send flowers. 

It was so my crazy Narc parents even in death. What.amazing community people they are for inviting them to dinner.

[sunshine702]

I just wish my parents hadn't turned it into a social call for THEM. Some context as to who the people were and what circumstances they were there?! 

Nope big people in town and who is in and who is out. 

[moglow]

Like it's some kind of sideline requiring no explanation.   Mother, you might have considered starting *there*.

[sunshine702]

Do you guys notice how "S doesn't really have to get back to her State Department job in Sri Lanka". As if she knows.  "Most companies have some sort of bereavement leave" is all I would say.  This has a lot to do with her snap judgements that are then gospel.  S is scapegoat K is "so fun being an artist"

Also I know for a fact S had a newborn baby with S at her twin's funeral in 2010 but my mom swears "all of S's kids are grown". Serious gaslight

[Poison Ivy]

I wonder if your mom is using this situation to express what she thinks her child (i.e., you) should do when she or your father or another family member passes away.

[discarded]

As someone who was the scapegoat in the triangle at my mother's funeral I can relate. It couldn't just be about the funeral and nothing else. It had to be about what an angry person I am. Like people can't just leave it alone and let it be about the funeral, they have to project their beliefs on me, and predict how I might act. Grief comes in many forms, it's not your mother, and it's not your right to judge.

[sunshine702]

Yes absolutely! This woman who died was an older woman but 1000 percent my mom's  peer just down the road! I played with them because they were nearly the same age and lived in the neighborhood.  This is very much about her. And very much about us.   Narcs never feel they will die and yes this is about Scapegoats and "good" kids.  Each three kids in the families and which one is the Golden Child.

E died in 2010 in a drunk driving accident after years of severe anorexia - she was 70 lbs at one point.  So severe mental health problems.  She seemed to be getting better but switched from anorexia to alcohol.