Is it abuse? No contact

[Movement]

Hi, I am so grateful for finding this forum.

I am here because I've lost perspective on things going on in my relationship. I've been seeing someone 2+ years. I believe I have been justifying his abusive behaviour. I want to end it.

During our arguments some examples of his behaviour include:-
- rage
- call me vulgarities eg f%#king moron
- punched the car door or dashboard
- has thrown a cup of tea at me, - - threw away a bag a left in his car during an argument (which he subsequently retrieved from the garbage, washed and returned to me)
- he had tried to strangle me once and punched me (separate incidents)  around 7 months into the rship. No more physical things since.

After instances like these I will not speak to him for days. He will usually reach out to talk and I succumb.

We had an argument 1 week ago, he has just reached out, I have been radio silent for the week. I want to end it. After the fight 1 week ago where he used vulgarities and punched the car 3 times, I said to him "so that's going to be me next time?" I told him to get out of my car.  I'm looking for advice as to whether this behaviour should be excused.... The answer seems obvious yet I'm not sure.

I just want to end it. Previous times we've spoken about breaking up he uses emotional blackmail and threats.

I've read about going no contact. Do you advise that in my situation? Can I just send a text message saying " Do not contact me again this relationship is over"?

[bloomie]

Movement - I am so glad you reached out! What you are describing is very serious and alarming to read happening to you. The very best thing you can do is to get in real life help in figuring out the safest way to go about ending the relationship.

I want to offer you some resources, but I very strongly encourage you to reach out to your local domestic violence services for help because leaving/ending a relationship is one of the most dangerous times.

https://outofthefog.website/emergency
(world wide resources)

Call Domestic Violence Hotline (800-799-7233)

Visit National Domestic Violence Hotline Online
https://www.thehotline.org
(you can text, chat, or call for live support)

Call Canada's Domestic Violence Hotline (800-363-9010)

Visit National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV)

Visit RAINN

Call RAINN National Sexual Assault Hotline (800-656-HOPE)

A reliable assessment tool that will help you understand the risk you are currently under:
https://www.mosaicmethod.com

Let us know how you are as you are able. We are an online support group of volunteers and we are not equipped to give you advice as to what you should do regarding contact, ect., in what appears to be an active domestic violence situation, but we can support you as you heal and process all you have experienced in this relationship. I am so sorry for how terribly you have been treated. What you describe is not love. You are worth so much more than this treatment.

[moglow]

"Should it be excused" is impossible for us to answer, but I'm not sure how any abuse can truly be justified or excused away. Consider this: Would you excuse it in anyone else? What would you tell a friend or loved one if they asked this question or were in your situation?

Domestic violence is real and nothing to play with. Please seek out the resources above as you are able.

[Starboard Song]

I'm looking for advice as to whether this behaviour should be excused.... The answer seems obvious yet I'm not sure. I just want to end it. Previous times we've spoken about breaking up he uses emotional blackmail and threats.

I've read about going no contact. Do you advise that in my situation? Can I just send a text message saying " Do not contact me again this relationship is over"?

You say that you "just want to end it." That's your answer: you want to end the relationship. Among good reasons to stay in a relationship you will never find threats and emotional blackmail. You ought never to excuse behaviours that lead you to say you "just want to end it."

Going no contact is a little different than merely ending it. In its strongest form you'd block his email, his text, every form of social media. I don't think we know enough to advise NC. Doing that can escalate the situation, and you need to take care of your safety with this person who sounds highly excitable. But whether you decide to actually lock out all communications and be really NC, we can answer your question: yes -- you absolutely may send a text like the one you propose. That is a complete message, and you owe nothing more except to ensure you are prepared for backlash and have taken appropriate steps to protect yourself.

Think of it this way. It isn't the case that we have intimate relationships with almost everyone, with many hundreds of people, and we need to explain why we exclude a handful of only the most detestable or least appealing people. That's not how the world works at all. Instead, we generally select only a very special few people to dedicate ourselves to, investing ourselves only in a small handful of long-term relationships, and selecting only those people who make us our very best: people who reliably help us to be happy, safe, loved, and prosperous.

You are not describing a person who consistently makes you feel happy, safe, loved, and prosperous. In your words, he calls you abusive vulgarities, is violent against objects, throws objects at you, and responds to any rejection with threats and emotional abuse.

In your own words you "want to end it."

We do not allow what we call "Run Messages" here at Out of the FOG. We don't know enough to advise someone whether to stay or go. I wouldn't do that. But I will enthusiastically encourage you to do what you yourself want to do: what you say you want to do in your first line. You want to end this relationship.

You can find someone else.
You can be alone for a while.
You can start on Valentine's Day.
But you are hereby empowered to follow your dreams, and invest your love with someone who pays interest.


Take a deep breath and do ensure you are safe, whatever course you choose.

[square]

Nice post, Starboard Song.

[Movement]

Thank you immensely for these replies. I just feel so stuck and am even scared to send the message.

[moglow]

For what it's worth, you don't *have* to send any message or say one word. You could just go silent, and not answer any calls or messages, block his phone email, social media etc, refuse to discuss with anyone he might send, and let that speak for you. He may not be one to just accept whatever you might have said, so you could choose to not expose yourself further to anything he may say or do.

You have to be sure you're safe, maybe go stay with friends or family for a little while, somewhere he can't get to you or doesn't know where you are? Make sure they're your people and will stand by you come what may. I suspect you know who those people are.

[Rebel13]

Good luck Movement! Take care and be safe! You absolutely do not have to announce to anyone that you are leaving the relationship.  I went NC with my mother last spring after some terrible behavior and I didn't tell her anything, just stopped responding to her.  If she were the type to harass me more often, I would definitely block her on my phone and return her cards to sender.  One of my favorite bloggers, ChumpLady, says that the only question we need to ask is "Is this relationship acceptable to me?"  If the answer is no, that's reason enough to leave.  We aren't obligated to spend time trying to analyze if what the other person has done is "bad enough" to justify us breaking things off with them, especially if we have already tried to discuss and improve things, without success!

[Movement]

Thank you for your responses. I am trauma bonded and going through waves of wanting to go back.
He has been sending messages and asking me to reach out. I haven't responded to any.
I owe him some money, I'm even scared to transfer it. Should I just transfer it say nothing?
I feel like I'm drowning but I have to keep putting up a brave face while inside I'm suffering.

[Rebel13]

Hang in there Movement!  I think it's absolutely fine to send the money with no message, if that's what feels right to you.  Do you feel comfortable blocking him?  NC is really hard at first but it gets easier the more distance a person has.  Distance makes it easier to think clearly about what's happened and what the feelings are.