Ask forgiveness rather than permission

[Justme729]

Has anyone dealt with a situation where it is better to ask forgiveness rather than permission?   

I'm dealing with a situation that continues to get worse.   Retaliation, sabotage, and more.   I have tried to communicate.   I have tried to say good morning, eat lunch with them, be kind and respectful.   Listen, let them share heir expertise.  Everything I do is wrong.   They've told me incorrect information for assessments, then get the equivalent of "wel DUH you were supposed to do that."  So I messed up state testing.   I messed up a spelling test.   Grading is inconsistent.   They tell me one thing (harsh grading), but then they are using a softer approach.   So basically my class scores look very low in comparison.  I'm catching onto the lies.   

I really just feel stupid.   We have to be clones,  but that means I do things their way ignoring my training and experience. Ignoring my student needs.    But, they keep telling me the wrong stuff!   

On top of that, I got accused of dropping multiple binders and their contents falling out.   I was told I had to go fix it - even though I haven't touched it.   Or even been in her room.  She screamed at me.   With another person as a witness.   I got a binder out of the cabinet over 2 weeks ago.  Everything was intact.   Surely the binders were not on the floor for 2 weeks like she accused me of with their contents everywhere. 

Oh- and we have to do the same Christmas craft.   Which requires buying materials that cost a substantial amount.   And requires *me* to do it.   Nope!  My heart broke when my own child said "my teacher did it, I didn't do it."  I don't care how not pretty it looks....parents can appreciate the keepsake. 

How would you deal?  Knowing everything had to be identical, but they aren't being inclusive to make that happen.

[clara]

Are you stating you feel it's better to go ahead and do things your way then apologize for it later (since the others will cite you for doing something "wrong") than ask permission ahead of time only to be (likely) refused?

If they are positioning you to where it seems everything you do is "wrong," then playing by any rules they establish won't ever work.  They are setting you up to fail.  In my experience, when dealing with co-workers or supervisors like that, the best approach is to document everything they say, ask them to repeat their instructions so you "get it right," write it down in front of them, if possible  (they especially hate that), repeat it back to them.

They won't like it.  They will try to retaliate.  But they're going to do that anyway, so may as well protect yourself best you can in the meantime.  And if they make false accusations, hold your ground.  Say no, that's not true, and make them produce the evidence it is.  They're the ones who made the accusation, so they're the ones who need to prove it.  Don't get angry or defensive.  Keep firm.  Learn to deflect their responses by anticipating them (one of their favorites is, are you calling me a liar?  If so, say I never said that, I'm just saying I didn't do what you claim I did). 

They don't want to be your friend, and they don't care if you're nice to them or try to converse pleasantly with them.  They want power to make random, illogical, even contrary rules.  They're not going to change their approach to you until you change your approach to them.  They may not do it even then. 

It isn't about teaching or the school or the children or anything else.  In their minds, it's about them.  That's what you're really up against, and it can be a long, hard, lonely battle that shouldn't have to be fought, but there you are.  It helps to remind yourself, over and over, that you really know what you're doing and just because they say you don't, doesn't make it true.  They will try to tear down your self-confidence, but don't let them do it.   And there might be others who feel as you do, or have experienced what you have, but are keeping quiet because they don't know what else to do.  Feeling you're not alone can be a great help, even if you're not sure who those "others" are. 

[Justme729]

Clara, you hit the nail on the head.   No matter what I do they will find fault.   So, just close my door - do me, and deal with the repercussions later.  I have and will continue to document everything.  They get annoyed when I ask questions.  They view it as questioning their authority & not being a team player.  I spoke to my therapist about the situation.  She challenged me: "What is the definition of a team."  Basically coming to the conclusion that this isn't a team - a team is people who work together, collaborate and share ideas, respect differences in opinions. Right now, I'm not allowed to express an opinion that is different from the team leads.  I am not allowed to do anything in the classroom unless the team lead does it.   I must do it in the same exact way as her.   If I do any of those things, I am disrespecting her.  It has been good to put it in perspective that this is NOT a team.  So I can't approach this situation as it is a "team" - it is a scene from "mean girls."   I'm kind of going to the line "On Tuesdays, we wear Pink"  and "We don't wear sweatpants."  Towards the end, one of the girls said "Regina you can't sit with us - you're wearing sweatpants."  Here I am the new girl, who is challenging the "I'm going to wear pink on whatever day I want.....and I'll wear sweatpants if I so please."  But trying to find a middle ground of "fine - I don't really like pink and love my sweatpants - but if it makes you happy and it isn't going to cause HARM I'll do it."  BUT - now that doesn't even matter because its something else.   I literally feel like I'm going crazy.

The team lead's email to me has basically left me spinning besides twisting something that happened to make her look innocent, the rest was essentially "do whatever you want - you are on your own island - good luck."  With  a mix of "don't forget to plan this content area..." Well, If I am on my own island then I'm not participating in "team meetings" and I will not plan that content area.  I'm going to talk to admin before I respond since it goes against what they have said previously.  It is such a toxic situation.