Going NC - announce it or unannounced?

[Amna]

Hello,

I have decided to go COMPLETE NO CONTACT with my parents and sibling. From what I read, it looks like things can get pretty ugly quickly if I announce my decision to the abusers. Is it best to simply slowly wean off from occasional contact to low contact to no contact over a period of thing  without it making abrupt and dramatic to draw attention.

What do you do if you go no contact and they show up outside your door one fine morning?  saying "surprise" - they wanted to surprise me for a birthday or whatever.

As long as they are around, is it possible to truly genuinely go 100% no contact without any harm coming to us? Any success rates if so how have you achieved this? Would love to know. Thanks!

[TwentyTwenty]

I'm sorry that you are going through this.

As you're aware, going NC is a huge step, that will likely end any chance of reconciliation, at least for some time. My FOO went ballistic and upped their attacks and even started stalking us.

We hired a lawyer to send Cease & Desist orders to all of my FOO, and things have been extremely pleasant afterwards. They still occasionally write an email, but it isn't nasty or threatening as it was before.

Just because someone is knocking at your door doesn't mean you have to answer, and a call to the police will remove any trespassers.

Fortunately we live in a guard-gated community, but my FOO still came to the gate once, and the guard politely told them to back out of the lane or the police would be called.

So, yes it can be done. It's obviously a huge step that cannot be undone and if it's seriously something that is being considered then you have to understand the finality that usually come with going NC.

Hoping for the best for you!

[pestopasta]

When I went NC from VLC I told my mother in a phone call that it was making me unwell to talk with them and that I needed to be NC with them. Her response was nasty and demanding and was followed up by an email begging me to send my kids to stay with them for an unaccompanied visit.  Um, nope.

My announcement did not make it any easier, but did allow me to draw a line under the subject. No one can say that I never told them about it, or why I was doing it. By telling them that they made me unwell it opened the door for them to explore possible reasons why that might be in therapy.

You know what your situation is better than anyone. If you think that an announcement will make things worse then you need to protect yourself. Good luck.

[GettingOOTF]

I did not announce anything to anyone in my family. I first went NC with my siblings around two years ago. I recently went NC with my father. I tried VLC but that only challenged him to be more efficient about getting in the abuse. After my last call with him, during which he was horrid, I decided to go NC. I blocked him on my phone and deleted What'sApp. It felt impulsive but really I'd been heading there for a few years.

It took a month for him to figure out I wasn't going to call. He called my work phone, I ignored the call and deleted the voicemail. He's not on social media. One of my sisters sent me a message though social media. I saw the first line as they are displayed in the inbox. It was nasty. I deleted it and blocked her. Another sister reached out with a simple "hello". I deleted. It's clear my father is winding them up and pointing them at me - that's his style, and there's no other reason for them to reach out.

I live in a different country so no immediate worries about them knocking on my door. They never made much effort to keep in touch but I know they are very angry at me.

NC was the best thing I could do for my mental health. It's only been a few months but once the initial shock of what I'd done wore off I felt a peace and freedom I never have before. It really made me stronger in all areas of my life. I have nearly completely lost the compulsive urge I had to explain myself all the time. It's amazing the changes that occurred in me.

I did work with my therapist on a note to send my sister and then one to my uncle for when he raised the subject. With the help and experience of people on these boards I decided not to send them. They haven't heard me my whole life and aren't going to suddenly change now. Anything I send will be seen as an invitation to respond. If (when) my uncle mentions it I will simply say I'm not prepared to discuss it. Honestly they all know why, they just don't care enough about me to make any changes in how they relate to me.

I think if I had announced it the process would have been more drawn out and filled with DRAMA.  I would have been subjected to a lot of abuse. They are very very angry that I broke free in general and that I have a happy successful life. Announcing NC would have been the last straw for them and the (very thin) gloves would have come off in a big way.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

I wanted to say that the decision you made for NC is alright. You do not need to explain it, get others to understand or jump on board with it. It seems what is commonly posted from others is upon explaining, things escalate and it does not bring the intended result. For me, when I explained they accused me of being too sensitive and said everyone's family has problems and nobody is perfect so just to deal with it. Also, the behaviors I asked them to stop doing never stopped anyway. It was to no avail. Today, they leave messages stating to have no clue what they did wrong. Explaining has no certainty of understanding.  In my sister's case, she used it as ammunition against me for being so wacky to think such bad things about the family. Personally, I would say go NC, no need to wean off them. If they stop by your home, do not answer the door. If they call, do not answer. If they send letters, you do not have to open them. I believe we owe it first to ourselves to do what we need to be mentally and emotionally healthy, and you do not have to explain that to anyone.

[JustKat]

In my case, I didn't announce or explain it. I first went NC with my Nmother after a final straw moment over the phone. She went infantile and started crying to my father that I was being mean to her. I reached my breaking point, said "eff it all," and hung up on her. That was the last time I ever spoke to her.

My enFather continued to call me after that, and while I would speak to him on the phone, I never visited him again. When my mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer my father did some very cruel things to me on her orders, at which time I went NC with him as well. I didn't explain myself since the reasons should have been VERY obvious to him. At the time I had been relocated out of state, so there was no fear of him coming over unannounced.

A year into total NC I moved back to my home state and they stalked me and located my address through an online spy site. My father did come by once and left a box of Christmas gifts inside my open garage, which was a huge violation of boundaries, but it was the only time he tried anything. After that it was just cards and letters, which he still continues to send on my birthday and Christmas. My siblings made the choice to go NC with me following my mother's smear campaign. Sad to say I had no real relationship with them anyway, so that didn't really impact me.

Looking back, I do feel that I did the right thing in just ghosting. If I had tried to explain my reasons it would have gone badly. There's no reasoning with disordered people, and certainly no way to change their behavior. If anything, it would have given them more ammo to use against me in their smear campaign. My mother passed away five years ago while I was NC and I'm fine with my enFather growing old without me. He HAS to know what he did, and more so, what his abusive wife did to me. If he doesn't, well, too bad. Sometimes I do wonder what he's thinking, but I had to do what was best for my own emotional well-being. I walked away with no explanation and have no regrets whatsoever.

[blues_cruise]

Hello,

I have decided to go COMPLETE NO CONTACT with my parents and sibling. From what I read, it looks like things can get pretty ugly quickly if I announce my decision to the abusers. Is it best to simply slowly wean off from occasional contact to low contact to no contact over a period of thing  without it making abrupt and dramatic to draw attention.

I think it depends on the person you're dealing with. In my situation things with my father had been consistently bad for about two years before no contact and my attempts at any boundaries relating to contact were just trampled over and ridiculed. Had I accounced no contact to him I would have received much the same behaviour but far worse and I was in no position mentally to cope with the fallout and rage in one hit. He is extremely reactive and emotionally unstable and would probably have stormed to my home or started making immediate phone calls to family and friends to create unnecessary drama...I just wasn't having it. 

On the other hand, announcing it does set your position out clearly and they can't claim that they have no idea why you no longer choose to communicate with them. If your parents and sibling are more the ignoring type then it could work better for you. I have heard of others who have been able to send the no contact letter and have been met with either silence or perhaps a letter of denial back, which is no doubt unpleasant but isn't overwhelming, in-your-face aggression or drama.

What would be easier for you to deal with based on their characters and temperament?  That's what it comes down to I think. The result for them is going to be the same regardless (no contact) and to sort out their feelings regarding that will be their responsibility.

What do you do if you go no contact and they show up outside your door one fine morning?  saying "surprise" - they wanted to surprise me for a birthday or whatever.

I've personally just not answered when stuff like this has happened. The way I see it, turning up at my door is just trying to force me into something I'm not comfortable with and even though I faded out rather than announcing no contact, I think after a few weeks it should be fairly obvious that someone doesn't want to see you. You could either ignore it or tell them to leave, but the latter could be seen as supply on their part which is something to bear in mind.

I do have a camera at my front door now which I can quickly view on my phone when someone rings the door, which has been an absolute godsend. It allows me to feel safe enough to open the door when I need to.

As long as they are around, is it possible to truly genuinely go 100% no contact without any harm coming to us? Any success rates if so how have you achieved this? Would love to know. Thanks!

If you mean physical harm then yes, you can take preventative steps to make sure you're safe such as home security. If you mean mentally then to be honest it's hard and takes its toll, but then so was remaining in contact so personally I at least get some peace this way. My best advice is to be careful about what you share with any mutual friends or family you might have in common and be prepared for people to think badly of you. Choosing to no longer speak to family, even if they're extremely abusive, is (unfairly) seen as very taboo and people will have strong opinions on it. Always remember that they're not the ones who have had to live it though.

[Amna]

Thank you all to those who responded. Sorry, I did not acknowledge earlier. I am gradually moving away from VLC to NC. I have no interdependence or codependence with them. Other than of course the emotional angle. Practically, I don't at least now and hope I don't into the future. Thanks again for everyone who took time to write back.

[StayWithMe]

I wouldn't announce it.  That's because I don't want to be tied to anything I have said in the past.  My contact with my family never went to NC but instead VLC.  It works well for me and I don't have to worry about someone accusing me of "hurting the family intentionally" with NC' or worse, to be seen that I do not have the independence to remain NC.

I find it interesting that many people worry about how their behavior will be interpreted if they just do something without explaining.  We forget that behavior is on a continuum.  there are a lot of people out there who see their family far less often than many of us do here and think nothing of it.  Why do we feel guilty? I've noticed that with trust.  some people post being cheated on feel as if they lost the ability to trust.  I suggest maybe they trusted too much.

I would just put on my best Mona Lisa smile and quietly taper off the contact.

[Fuzzydog]

Almost 5 years ago I wrote a letter, because I knew that weaning was impossible, as I would be relentlessly hounded. In the letter, which could be considered harsh but was not mean (my therapist vetted it before I sent it) I gave a reason, but it was, by no means, the only thing. I knew that my NM would understand (not agree and be totally outraged, but understand) the reason and just chalk it up to me being oversensitive and exaggerating.

The good news is that she has completely honored my wishes and never even attempted contact. That carries its own pain, apparently I was not worth fighting for. But in the long run, not dealing with the crap that others have is a blessing.

The sad irony is that the therapist who prepped me for years to do just this, did not support my decision at all, so I have had no therapy support in the aftermath. Ugh.

Each situation is obviously different from every other, you would do well to anticipate the aftermath.

Good luck with this, hugs to you!!

[Hazy111]

Un announced.  Remember its really about "narcissistic supply" Its not even about you, but what you can do for them.

I had the odd letter from narc Pop, threatened with the police etc, but never happened, suprise surprise and  unannounced visit from flying monkeys, then all died down.  Never responded to any of it.  Funnily enough got an Xmas card today, from flying monkey cousin , who is "really worried" about me  for not making any contact, straight in the bin (recycling). First attempt at contact in about six months.

Contact = supply . But you do what you thinks best , good luck

[footprint]

After a short 2 month period of NC following a devastatingly cruel event after my first child was born, I went from some contact to LC to VLC to NC. The event was in 2009 and I was securely VLC by about 2011 and then weaned off to full NC by 2015. From 2013-2015, the contact was so VLC that we're talking only snail mail cards on birthdays and Christmas. By the time I went NC, they probably just thought I was going even more VLC.

Even during VLC, they attempted to do insidious and cruel things to me, usually through email correspondence or via their flying monkeys. When I finally went NC, I blocked their email addresses and phone numbers so that I wouldn't have to see any more messages, and I ask blocked a fair number of their FMs.

Here I am four years later after going NC and can say that weaning them off and ultimately going NC was the best decision. I do think it all could have been done much faster than the roughly 5 years it took me.

footprint

[JustKat]

Un announced.  Remember its really about "narcissistic supply" Its not even about you, but what you can do for them.

This is why I never formally explained to my Nmother that I was going NC. When I had my final straw moment and hung up on her I never told her I was ceasing contact, but the mere fact that I finally called her out on her bad behavior gave her the narcissistic supply she craved. Within two days I received a multi-page letter from her, followed by two emails from a sibling and an in-law repeating the exact same talking points Nmother had written in her letter. I can't begin to imagine how bad it would have been if I had actually announced that I was going NC.