Mother Abandoned Me After Traumatic Delivery

[BuzzyBee]

I just had my second son a few weeks ago. It was my second c section. I felt confident the whole pregnancy about delivery since I had been through this before, however there were complications post surgery that I never thought were possible. I had uterine atony, and had a very close call in bleeding to death. My mother and husband witnessed the entire event as nurses rushed to get me meds and performed painful compressions to prevent more blood loss. It seemed to take more rounds of meds and time than it should've. I was scared... it was traumatic. I required a blood transfusion and careful attention upon release.

Up to this point my mother and her husband were watching my firstborn son for us, which we greatly appreciated. My mom was very supportive up to the release from the hospital, however she was very critical of my husband when she visited us in the hospital. To her defense, DH acted badly the day before the scheduled c section, and fought with me to the point that I left the house with our son and went to my mother's house to stay the night. But we got past this fight, our son was our focus now, and he was staying with me in the hospital each night helping me 24/7. Meanwhile mom would come in and nit pick him to death over the most trivial things. He is the only other person besides her, that I really have to depend on in this way. And he was there much more than she was so I just didn't get why she was still so upset at him.

Then, fast forward to my release. We were close by my oldest sons daycare and my mom was sort of complaining the whole day about if we're going to get him, since she lives a little further out. We were expecting release by midday but didnt get out till about 6 pm and finally let her know we were in route to get him and told her not to worry about it. She however took it upon herself to load up her car with the remainder of my belongings and my son's belongings and head to our house uninvited. My husband and I were very annoyed. Her excuse for doing this was "she wasn't sure if we'd make it to my son's daycare in time" so she wanted to be close by...

They then start lecturing me on what I should and shouldn't do "don't you carry that baby around, you have blood loss, you could faint and fall with him we will help you." They rush into our house and start unloading their car and ordering me to sit down while I'm just trying to get both kids settled. My mom yells at me to get my "comfortable clothes on" and lay down even though I was in comfortable clothes already.. She gets mad when I refuse to and starts crying saying that I'm being unreasonable etc etc and I explain that I don't have the energy to go change etc right now. They then tell us how tired they are from watching my oldest, and my mom starts making rude comments about how they need to go to work in the morning etc.

We are overwhelmed with a new baby, I'm post surgery and a traumatic event, drained of all energy and here she is complaining already about helping with our son... Somehow they end up taking him one more night because they see we are struggling getting everything unpacked with new baby and our oldest, but they didn't want to take him it was so very akward and if I wasn't totally drained and unable I wouldn't have let him go back there. My mom also made a point to tell me that she was late to work the next day because her husband decided to go into work early and she had to take the baby to daycare... That night we hear absolutely nothing from my parents. They didn't even call to check if he got picked up from daycare. I feel like they were making a point that they were "done" with my son. They brought the remainder of my son's belongings the next day. My mom made a comment about how she couldn't use up "all of her vacation" due to my delivery but yet made a point to tell me not to walk around our do anything because my blood count was so low still, I could faint and hurt myself. Yeah ok you try that with 2 kids.... impossible.

DH already took it upon himself to offer to take off 1 more week for me, which at this point realizing all of my family wasn't going to come help at all, he insisted. He wasn't worried about the fact that he was spending 2 of 3 weeks vacation he has.  And trust me, he is a supervisor and it's important for him to be there. Meanwhile my mother and aunt (who both have a more flexible schedule) who know my situation, couldnt be bothered to maybe be there for a day or two to help relieve my husband so he could go back to work. This is out of their character. They're both usually quite overbearing and force themselves into things to seem "helpful" but they pretty much dropped off our stuff and left us pretty much on our own. Mom didnt call. Oh and while she was dropping off our stuff, she made comments about how my husband wasn't doing enough..... I was so furious. He is the ONLY ONE taking care of all 4 of us and she has the nerve to criticize him to me.

My mom also had my aunt make us food one night and bring it over, which that was nice but MIL also brought over food the same day so when I let her know this she was like "oh I should cancel your aunt coming over." She then got mad it seemed that MIL was bringing us another meal later in the week when she asked us what we wanted, and never asked again or brought anything after I said that. She made fun of MIL for not being there at all for my oldest when he was born, and she pretty much has not been there for weeks now. MIL has actually been here more.... Her calls stopped after I told her about MIL coming over, and she left us to ourselves and hasn't checked on me, the kids, DH, nothing. I haven't called her either. I really want to not be around her at all for pretty much leaving us to fend for ourselves during a really hard time. I was in severe pain for 3 weeks, my babies have both been sick, DH has been sick (she knew this in the hospital), now I'm sick while still recovering and add on top I'm still anemic and exhausted from the blood loss and new baby.

It has been hard. As great as DH has been I still needed to get around and still tried to help when I could get the strength. I'm not saying that I expected my mom to be there 100% of the time, maybe just a day or two, but the fact that she really hasn't been there for whatever reason just really gets to me. She watched me pretty much on the verge of dying and I just don't see her caring. Shes all of a sudden texting and calling and having my aunt call (she triangulates) weeks later and I really don't want to speak to either of them. I don't want to see them. This would be out of my character as well, and eventually they'd want an explanation. I don't know if I should even say anything about my disappointment or just try to pacify them. They're very persistent. I thought I could depend on them, but now I just don't know. I definitely don't want her watching my son anymore, I can't deal with her complaints of him. It breaks my heart. I don't have a baby sitter (we hardly let anyone watch our kids) but I will find one. She won't get the opportunity to complain about my sweet boy ever again.

[Call Me Cordelia]

I'm so sorry, BuzzyBee. Lots and lots of hugs for you. I never almost died from delivery but much of your story parallels with mine. I will write more later, but I wanted to let you know you are not the only one with parents like this. And you have every reason to be hurt and not want to see them right now. Your instincts to protect your older child, despite all you have going on, are so good.

[BuzzyBee]

Thank you Call Me Cordelia. Im sorry that you've gone through something similar. I'm so thankful for this forum, I don't think many people would understand any of this. I'm struggling to make sense of it myself.

[Maxtrem]

Hi, I'm sorry you're going through this. I can give you some advice based on my experience. Unfortunately, parents with personality disorders usually find it difficult to do something for others without getting something in return.  In addition, they generally expect to receive much more than they give. I learned this at a very young age and I don't ask anything from my parents (especially my mother uBPD). I grieved a long time ago for not expecting anything from my parents, some parents are just not able to really help like your mother. If someone asks my mom for help, she will never refuse, but will complain for a long time and talk about it for years. Personally, I consider it gratifying to be able to manage on my own and from a young age. I advise you not to expect anything from your mother. To find resources outside your family, on your own.   

An anecdote: after the death of my grandmother, I had a more difficult grief than I thought. My mother called me, I said it was difficult for me, she invited me to dinner to see how I was doing. It's been a year and she still talks about that dinner and how she's always there for me. In fact, she quickly complained that she had to do this for me, claiming that her grief was worse than mine. She does so little for me that she has been recounting this dinner (ordering pizza) for a year now to say what a devoted mother she is and that she is always there for me.

These kind of parents can do something to help us, but it quickly turns against us!       

[FogDawg]

I am very sorry, BuzzyBee. Going through such a traumatic event and then having it shown how little you seemingly matter to your mother because she was not put at the forefront (and, therefore, unable to get her requirement of narc supply) is repugnant. I urge you not to call. If you ever feel pangs of guilt, do not accept them as truth (easier said than done, I am aware), as you have not done a single thing wrong. Should you never hear from this woman again, it would be a blessing in disguise. As stated within Maxtrem's post, any of your struggles, in spite of severity, will always be seen as lesser than; there is nothing to be gained from that sort of 'relationship'.

[BuzzyBee]

Maxtrem that is so true! She quite typically does things and holds them over our heads, embarrasses us, or complains. But I've just sort of put up with it most of the time because she does help us out in the end and I try to believe that she "means well."

However, this time was a bit more emotional because of the surgery and the close call I had. It's just hard to fathom, and I typically look past many faults with her but this one really shocked me. Shes normally the one who loves the attention of helping others and holding things over people's heads. Her narc tendencies really didn't portray themselves, she just didnt care at all which is not how she acted prior to us entering/leaving the hospital.

Maybe I didnt garner her enough attention from everyone I dont know, maybe she hates my husband, but there was no clear indication IMO for her to just withdraw the way she did it was like pulling a rug from beneath me I was blindsided without explanation.

I know we will never understand PD parents, and I know my expectations are not all that high to begin with. Just didnt expect this behavior right after what I went through it's just cruel.

I'm so sorry your mother seems to exhibit the same behavior. I know it's not fun to deal with, and it takes a whole lot of biting your tongue to put up with such nonsense.

I just dont know if I should say anything or just leave it alone. The problem is with my family, if you start going NC or VLC they are like bloodhounds they can sniff it out from a mile away and they'll all gang up on you until you cave back into their family dynamics.

[BuzzyBee]

Thank you FogDawg, your reply really helps me right now.

And I think you explained it well when you say she didnt get her supply. She wasn't put at the forefront of everything. Now that I think of it, she wanted us to go to her house after the delivery but we kindly said no we will be going to our house.  I think she was honestly mad that we didnt go there (but that was because of the way she acted the time after 1st DS was born, cruel, critical, pushy, no compassion for anyone, we felt like intruders even though she invited us to stay there). My husband begged me not to go there because he knows shes toxic and he thought it would be too stressful due to our last experience and I agreed. I guess I thought she'd be better this time since we were in our own home and her seeing all I went through but no I was wrong.

I feel much the same way right now, if I never heard from her it would be a blessing. I dont know if that will change, but I do know she will send every family member after me to harass me via text and phone until I cave in to them. And of course they will all tell me my mother loves me so much and invalidate my feelings and make me feel crazy (gaslight). That sounds exhausting as well.

[FogDawg]

Thank you FogDawg, your reply really helps me right now.

I feel much the same way right now, if I never heard from her it would be a blessing. I dont know if that will change, but I do know she will send every family member after me to harass me via text and phone until I cave in to them. And of course they will all tell me my mother loves me so much and invalidate my feelings and make me feel crazy (gaslight). That sounds exhausting as well.

You are welcome. I am glad.

Good to hear that you can, at least currently, also see it that way. Try not to give them and their words the power to make you feel guilty. To put it in perspective and hopefully make the task a little easier, a cousin said that my father has always been nice to them, which is their experience, not mine; these people have not been in your shoes and cannot lay claim to undergoing the same at her hands.

[Maxtrem]

Rereading your post, although my mother acts in a similar way, what makes me sick is that you could have died and the only fact that your mother is not the center of attention, she makes you pay for it. It's such a small-minded, egocentric act of revenge. She's using a very difficult time for you to keep you in the FOG. She's using you to achieve her ends without remorse as long as she gets what she wants from you. Your post joins me because my mother uBPD has many similarities with yours. She also criticizes my girlfriend a lot which I find very difficult and just like you, I don't know what level of contact to maintain. Despite me being aware of her problem, she still gets what she wants through manipulation!

[Call Me Cordelia]

Hi again. You've gotten a lot of good feedback. Your parents' behavior is appalling and completely unloving. They're making it clear that they are doing you a huge favor by watching their grandchild while you are giving them another one. That you and yours are a burden in their minds. That even the grudging help they give is not worth their while. Well, they'll be glad not to have you take up any more of their valuable time, then.

I was going to write out the story of what happened after my last baby was born, but I just had another little one and I really don't feel up to reliving it right now. So short version: I got majorly sick postpartum, was desperate enough that I asked my parents to come and help, which I almost never did. They only made things more stressful for me by the same attitude I described above. (Even the "We need to go to work!" line, when I asked for nothing that would interfere with their work. I was so mad that your mom implied she was late because of watching your son and therefore it was your fault. No, she and her hubby failed to communicate/handle what they knew needed to be done.) I told them I was hurt by their behavior and needed some space to take care of me and family right now, call them when I'm ready.

Well, that turned out to be a declaration of war. Launched a full-on harassment and smear campaign which lasted for months, which ended in my father writing to my pastor that I'm a mentally unstable and physically neglectful mother, and my visiting a lawyer to send a cease and desist order. And my parents will never see their grandchildren again as long as they are minors and I can prevent it.

So my advice: Don't try to be honest like you would with a normal person. Just deal with this as little as possible. Let yourself fade away. I agree they are ignoring and that is a blessing! You're recovering from a major major event. Your mom doesn't deserve your bandwidth, although it understandably is on your mind! It's crazy-making, and it's natural to try and figure it out. But it's their problem 100%, not anything wrong with you. Really. And therefore you cannot make it better. You almost died and are trying to recover with a new baby, and yet it's all about her and you're being selfish in her mind. What more is there to say? No need to call and invite more toxicity into your life.

Mom very well may send the family members after you after a while. There are effective ways of warding them off, of refusing to feed the drama. You can cross that bridge when you come to it.

Being honest, it's going to be a super painful time detaching. But it's better than letting your mother continue to treat you so terribly and accepting that behavior. I think everyone in here does not regret doing what it takes to get free of abuse. And what you're experiencing from her most certainly qualifies. You deserve safe people around you. At any time, but you definitely need it now. Take good care. Hope this helped some.

[BuzzyBee]

Call Me Cordelia

Thank you sooo much for your reply. It is so relieving to hear from people who know exactly what I'm going through and what to expect. I'm so sorry your family put you through the same ugliness once your little one was born It is such a vulnerable time for a new mother there are so many emotions we experience during that time and it's so painful when someone takes that special, fragile time and weaponizes it against you. 

Congrats on your new little one Children are such a blessing. I'm trying to focus on them instead of the fact that my mother and family are alienating us.. It's just been really hard.

The past two days she has group texted asking with several family members. Not harassing me, but passive aggressive group texts showing off my cousin's newborn baby and pictures of my mom and aunts with the new baby. All of them are discussing their plans to visit her etc right in front of me amongst eachother, or being overly expressive, or all are telling eachother "happy Valentine's love you all" etc. I personally congratulated my cousin, but I didnt participate in the group texts. I feel like they're trying to force a response out of me by copying everyone on the texts.

It's like they are trying to make me jealous. I'm not the type, and I'm happy for cousin. But I'm not naive, these texts just started when I started going VLC. Normally they'd just send them privately.

So I have the stress of them bombarding me with their "look at me" texts. They neglect me, then want to show off how great they are amongst themselves? Just leave me alone please.

Good for you for protecting your children from your parents. Hugs to you and your new baby. May I ask are you NC with your parents currently?

[starshine23]

I know exactlyHow this feels and I am so sorry. Once my husband was getting a sinus surgery and in the middle of the procedure my father called to say he was tired of watching my kids and could I call a babysitter? He was put out because my son wanted a grilled cheese which apparently was beyond his capabilities.

Anytime either of my parents babysit ( which is almost never) they regale me with tales of how difficult it was for them... for years afterwards!

Your mother could not stand for anything not to be about her. She sounds very toxic! Protect yourself and your family from that horrible emotional vampire.❤️❤️❤️

[BuzzyBee]

starshine23

The grilled cheese made me LOL. What a silly thing for him to get upset over. I could only imagine the stories you have.. You can never tell with a PD.

"Anytime either of my parents babysit ( which is almost never) they regale me with tales of how difficult it was for them... for years afterwards!"

^^I can relate to this. I didn't let them watch my son very often, but when they did it was always such a chore. But at the same time, they're posting on fb how wonderful he is. Just makes me shake my head.

I'm sorry that you have to deal with that kind of behavior. It makes it worth the extra money to hire someone unrelated doesnt it?

[Call Me Cordelia]

Buzzy, the only contact they'll get from me is a restraining order.