I'm wondering about the NC with my uBPD mother?

[Maxtrem]

Shortly before Christmas, my mother uBPD had another crisis, under the pretext that I didn't give her enough time, even though I saw her once a week, telephoned her every day and often worked almost 50 hours a week. It's never enough and never will be! She even refused to come to my house for Christmas, even though she knew that I was planning to get engaged in front of the family at this event.  It was purely an egocentric act of revenge! 

This time, however, she would have taken medication to try to commit suicide after fighting with my aunt (on my father's side). Trying to calm the crisis as I always have, I went to see her and endured almost 5 hours of criticism, devaluation... everything to make me feel guilty and manipulate myself. On the other hand, my girlfriend reacted very badly to this, she doesn't understand how I can bear to be treated like this and she can't stand that our lives revolve around all the whims of a mother. And that if ever one of her whims is not immediately fulfilled, that she falls into crisis. For the first time, I gave up helping my mother, I decided to follow a psychotherapy (as recommended by my doctor because of anxiety).

After my abdication to help my mother (which is surely for the good of my girlfriend), she fell down like never before; which is similar to depression. She would be in therapy now and I am fundamentally convinced that this is her only chance to get through it. She called me, she says that she is not BPD, that I don't support her enough (my life has been programmed to deal with these crises which is exhausting), that I lack maturity (my psychologist doesn't even understand that I have professional success, a high level of education and healthy relationships with colleagues, friends, girlfriends considering the mother I had), that it will be difficult to get out of it, since she doesn't have enough support... I don't think there's really a chance that my mother will come out of it... and I know that I don't want to be the regulator of her crises like I've always been (I have anxiety to the point that I have difficulty breathing after eating, even though I'm 27 years old and have a healthy lifestyle).

What is decisive is that my mother is convinced that she is profoundly altruistic, that I have had such an easy life (almost no memory of my childhood that would be a defence mechanism according to my psychologist), that she is an eternal victim and she feels no remorse for what she is doing to me. Despite everything I love her, I would like her to come out of it, I would deeply like to avoid NC, besides her illness, she knows how to be generous, creative, but as such, she is toxic for me.

What's special is that I don't feel any guilt, I've known for a long time that what she tells me is totally false and all the excuses I had to make to appease her egocentric crises, I never really believed in them. Besides, despite everything, I don't have any real frustration or resentment (maybe I'm not able to have it because I've never been allowed to), but I find it very special. I think that my anxiety and "feeling bad" would be anxiety. I even think that my abdication is for the good of my couple and mainly for the good of my fiance, since I have realized that I am "programmed to please" at the expense of my needs. Which for once was positive, since my girlfriend comes first; I had always promised myself to have a family of my own that would be healthy unlike my FOO who always finds a way to disappoint me! 

Has anyone ever experienced a similar situation?         

I would like to apologize if there are any mistakes, English is not my first language, I am Canadian (Qc).

[Andeza]

Similar? Yup. My uBPDm went on a "don't worry I won't try to hurt myself or anything like that" kick for about three days before attempting suicide when she and my dad were breaking up. They were married a looong time. I realized in hindsight that her statements that she wouldn't were actually threats. That was several years ago, and just before this New Years I went no contact. For my sake, for the sake of my marriage, and for the sake of my young son.

Toxic relationships such as are presented by our parents tend to take up space in our minds. We may not be engaging in that moment with the individual, we may have no reason to think of them at all, but they are still on our minds as we dread future interaction. My mom would call me once a month, trying to force ME to call HER instead. It was a control issue I think, but at a certain point I thought to myself "the phone works both ways, you wanna talk, you can call me." These calls always had a portion dedicated to telling me I should call more often. Nope. Like you, I figured out that there would never be a "good enough" quantity of contact.

Our role in life is not to support our parents, but to support ourselves. Anything we do beyond that comes from the goodness of our hearts and compassion for others. However, the problem with PDs is that they will take, and take, and take, until you've got nothing left to give. Emotional vampires. Energy vampires. Either is appropriate.

Despite, and because of really, my mother's past instability, I went NC. Her problems are her own. Created by her, fueled by her inability to accept and embrace change, and complicated by her mental illness for which she refuses to get help. But, they are not my problem. And, it's not my responsibility to fix them.

I don't feel guilty. Guilt was never an emotion I was particularly prone to. Obligation was another matter. I felt like I had to offer her solutions only to play what some folks are calling the "Yes, but" game. "Well mom you can fix that problem by doing this." "Yes, but..." and then there's an excuse. I got tired of it. I think you are too. It's okay to walk away, and the truth is that what she does, is her choice. Her choice does not equal your fault. Remember that, it's vitally important. Good luck with whatever you decide. We're here for you.

By the way, English as a second language is brutally hard as I understand, nevertheless you're doing great!

[Groundhog Day]

Dear Max,
You sound so much like my young brother. He also had anxiety, had to be hospitalized and put on medication since worrying about BPDm. He's married and has adult children. Few years ago, not long after F's death, BPDm called DB threatened suicide, he drove to her place as fast as he could and spent hours with her. The following day was Mother's Day, she played him along once again. DB's wife spent the weekend without her husband. M must have been in her glory to put a strain in their marriage. The following weekend, BPDm tried the same scheme but DB was gone fishing for weekend and had no access to cell reception. She left nasty message, called him names. He was not at her beck and call so she was angry.

She went as far as telling my older brother he had to leave his girlfriend, whom they've been living together for 15 years. He was having none of it so M called the cops and told them she wanted the "delco" my father gave DB years ago.

I am just telling you these stories so you can protect yourself and your relationship with your fiancee. If your M is threatened by your relationship, she might ruin it for you. Just as your M, mine also wanted undivided attention from her sons.

PS: I'm also French Canadian from ON. Bon courage et bonne chance mon ami.

[FogDawg]

Trying to calm the crisis as I always have, I went to see her and endured almost 5 hours of criticism, devaluation... everything to make me feel guilty and manipulate myself. On the other hand, my girlfriend reacted very badly to this, she doesn't understand how I can bear to be treated like this and she can't stand that our lives revolve around all the whims of a mother.

I can understand your girlfriend being upset. Neither of you should be in that sort of environment (for even a matter of minutes, let alone hours). Your mother is only taking advantage of you, and guilt-tripping you if you don't do exactly what she wants you to and when. You are not letting ma down by worrying about yourself (and the state of your relationship). The fact that she would not come to your house when she knew about the engagement should tell you exactly how much she values you. Additionally, you mention anxiety - your own body is telling you to keep away.

I know what you mean about a lack of childhood memories. Others talk about when they were young like it just happened, yet I can barely recall anything, which is troubling, and what I can I would mainly prefer to forget. Your psychologist is correct in stating that it is a defense mechanism, escaping reality for a time being a way to cope with what is occurring. The brain can only process so much hurt before it effectively disengages in order to protect itself, making it almost like the event never happened, as the person has no readily discernible memory of it. From a ScienceDaily article (https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2016/12/161209081154.htm), "If a child is raised in a loving home with good child development, they are more likely to process a traumatic event -- such as natural disaster, war combat or abuse -- better. However, if a child's psychological development had distrust, fear or abandonment, then they may be more likely to respond to a traumatic event with dissociative properties." Those at this forum presumably all fall into the second category, explaining the memory gaps.