Hi just left my toxic relationship yesterday

[dazedandsick]

Hi I'm a woman andi broke up with my emotionally abusive gf yesterday who I'm pretty was a convert narcissist so manipulative and gaslighting. At the beginning she was so sweet, kind and seem so innocent. Swept me off my feet with her kind words and gifts. Till she started putting me down subtly about my appearance, intelligence how I'm lazy etc. Implying she could find another gf and I couldn't. She dismissed it as a joke and that I'm too sensitive. I told her that I didn't like the things she says to me in a letter I wrote to her and how I often feel like a burden on people due to my depression and so her comments even if she thinks they were "just jokes" I thought she understood and we could move on. But a couple of days ago she called me lazy again because I like to play video games and sleep. She also went off at me for not having a job. But like I'm a university student on my Christmas break and I live with my family besides there is a pandemic so I didn't see at as a big deal? i can get a job later on when my break is over and the pandemic isn't a big deal. She said that I was just making up excuses and said that I would be a burden on other people and that she doesn't think she can be in a relationship with me. This was after she told me a couple of days before she told me she really liked me and missed me, wtf?? i had enough and called her to say it was over and im done with her putting me down she just said "ok bye" and hanged up like it was nothing. I'm so upset and confused was looking forward to spending Christmas with her but not anymore.. I'm worried about future relationships I enter now...

[Boat Babe]

Hi Dazed and welcome to the forum. I am sorry you have had such a painful and disorienting experience and I know exactly how you feel. Here's a big hug while I talk you through my take on your situation

First of all, be glad you dodged a bullet, really. The behaviours of your exgf are massive red flags of PD. Everyone here would agree. You are smart and brave in ending this relationship which would have brought you nothing but pain, misery and confusion.

Secondly, you need to put two things in place immediately. Self care and self protection. The self care is not so much a bath with candles, more a commitment to act in such a way that you stay healthy, mentally and emotionally as well as physically.

Self protection is now key. Know that it is unlikely that you now exgf will gracefully fade into the background. You may be subject to a "hoover", whereby she comes back, promises the world and you fall gratefully into her arms. Only for the abuse to start again. This time worse than before. Many of us here know this one, to our cost.

I suggest you read the info about PDs and their behaviour on the  Out of the FOG website.  There are some great teachers on the internet. Les Carter and Meredith Miller are two of my faves. Some great books too.

I hope you can use the holidays to begin the work of healing from this experience and go on to live your best life.

[dazedandsick]

Hi Dazed and welcome to the forum. I am sorry you have had such a painful and disorienting experience and I know exactly how you feel. Here's a big hug while I talk you through my take on your situation

First of all, be glad you dodged a bullet, really. The behaviours of your exgf are massive red flags of PD. Everyone here would agree. You are smart and brave in ending this relationship which would have brought you nothing but pain, misery and confusion.

Secondly, you need to put two things in place immediately. Self care and self protection. The self care is not so much a bath with candles, more a commitment to act in such a way that you stay healthy, mentally and emotionally as well as physically.

Self protection is now key. Know that it is unlikely that you now exgf will gracefully fade into the background. You may be subject to a "hoover", whereby she comes back, promises the world and you fall gratefully into her arms. Only for the abuse to start again. This time worse than before. Many of us here know this one, to our cost.

I suggest you read the info about PDs and their behaviour on the  Out of the FOG website.  There are some great teachers on the internet. Les Carter and Meredith Miller are two of my faves. Some great books too.

I hope you can use the holidays to begin the work of healing from this experience and go on to live your best life.

Thank you kindly *hugs* to you too. I feel dumb because my friends warned before the relationship because I was vulnerable due to our age gap, my depression and disability, also my lack of experience with dating (she was my first relationship) but I had really low self esteem due to depression and my ex gf made me feel happy which was the first time I felt so in years until she started saying mean things to me. My friends and fam told me to dump her because they didn't like her and they way she treated me. My ex gf was very convincing and apologized. So I gave her a couple more chances because I really wanted it to work out.


Other red flags were when I told her to stop saying hurtful things to me because me and my family and friends don't like it. She threw a tantrum saying "fine your right and im wrong im so sorry. it is always my fault." and accused me of not caring about her because I told others about the things she said to me. I felt guilty and ended up apologizing to her! She also said if my depression gets worse she will walk away because her crazy ex dealt with depression before and always threatened to kill herself. I convinced my ex gf I wasn't like her and she apologized for assuming.


The reason I put up for it for longer than I should have was because at the beginning of our relationship I accidentally asked her something that was really insensitive. She was really upset and want to break up but I apologized profusely and then she forgave me. Which is why I forgave her easily when she called me mean names. Also she bought me so many gifts and told me she stayed here because of me instead of moving back with her family.


Also when I broke things off with her she changed her name on social media to something weird and passive aggressive. I screenshotted it and sent it to her she denied doing it and told me it must be "something wrong with my computer."  then it changed back. I laughed at her obvious attempt to try and gaslight me.

I'm thankful to my friends and family for supporting me to leave her. If it wasn't for them I probably would of stayed longer. I probably won't be dating for a while till I am in a good mindset. As confusing and upsetting as this experience was I learnt a lot so it wasn't totally negative so I'm okay!