hate mail from family isn't normal?

[desertpine]

I recently removed my family from my social media accounts because I received hateful emails from them about mental health postings I shared. I'm now realizing that it isn't normal to get hate mail from family.  It's so normal in my family though. Over the years I've received letters, emails, texts from my parents and sister where they call me names, blame me for hurting the family, call me selfish and ungrateful and disrespectful, damaged beyond repair, etc. That's been as an adult - as a kid it was told to me directly.  I didn't know this wasn't normal - that most people don't receive hateful mail from family - esp not for doing normal things like hanging out with friends for an evening instead of family, spending time with my brother over the holidays (my mom accused me of taking her son away from her), sharing posts on social media about recovery from childhood traumas. One year my mom hid a mean letter into my carry-on bag before a cross-country flight - saying how selfish I was as a daughter, I should be more appreciative of the sacrifices the family made for me, etc. That was over 20 years ago but I'm still stunned that a parent would do such a cruel thing.
I know I'm not innocent - I did some mean things through writing letters to people before I learned there are better ways to resolve conflict. I burned some bridges that way and I regret it.
Anyone else have this experience - receiving hate mail from family?

[Starboard Song]

Yep.

And we've been NC for 5 years as a result.

We'd had blow-ups with my in-laws from time to time. Wires would get crossed, MIL would begin a silent treatment, and that would last until FIL wrote a letter or email shaming us and bullying with emotional blackmail. When a third party's end of life decisions hung in the balance, we decided we couldn't play that game, and before we could find another way to make amends, the silent treatment had become permanent.

I see over and over since that most modern folks are not very good at resolving disputes in print. We aren't very good, even, at explaining them. I doubt this modern weakness is limited to PD people.

My in-laws wrote in two formats, which I believe you will recognize. Either they were rejecting and condemning us at flambouyant length and in gruesome detail, going on tirelessly for pages, or they would write with cramped concision some cold invitation to meet and work it all out. I'm talking 3 to 5 pages of ugly slander, or 30 words or less of cold invitation.

This is not healthy. This is not acceptable. And the lesson holds for all of us: it is highly likely, if you are involved in a dispute, that either you or the other party is not good at writing about or reading about disputes. So if it isn't working, pick up a phone.

We told my in-laws we understood that they would need to correct us, question us, or condemn us from time to time, but that they must never again do it in print. The next time they did was the LAST TIME they would have the chance: we permanently blocked them from every print format, and began destroying their mail.

Be good. Be strong.

[nanotech]

I've been there with this. I'm really sorry you had a letter like that in your bag when you were travelling. That must have been so hurtful.

My mum would send mean letters. She has enlisted fms to send them too.

Mean emails to me? Yup. GC brother
Mean emails about me? UNPD sister sent me a horrendous email. It was vicious and slanderous. All about me. Unfortunately for her she sent it to me in error. It was meant to go to her daughter, my niece.
That was so hurtful. I realised when I saw that letter, that this was something she'd done regularly. I would never dream of speaking  so horribly about her, to my children.
Aren't we supposed to be supportive of each other?
My mum was due to come to my house the same day I received that email. She asked me what was wrong( I'd been crying) so I told her a watered - down version. The email was viciously  toxic  about our parents too, and full of bad language used to describe them ( and me). I knew if they saw that it would be dangerous for her.
So.... in the middle of being abused by her I was still trying to protect her from our toxic parents.

Mum, on hearing a very very cleaned up and edited version, looked at me and then she more or less told me to 'eat' it.
One of the scapegoat's purposes is to 'eat' the sins of the family
I obliged for mum, in that I kept it quiet from others, and as she had indirectly asked, never gave her the full story.
But between me and sister, it caused a spate of ping - pong email viciousness, then months of silence.
Then ( oh no) I decided to be that  ' bigger person'. (AKA the user of idiot compassion) and I reached out to her. More fool me. But I'd been programmed.
She fauxpologised and fawned for a while- then the whole ugly cycle began all over again. And again ....
I finally am Out of the FOG five years later and VVLC and eventually NC with that sister.

UNPDGC brother sent very toxic emails. He would bullet point all of my 'transgressions' and insist on my answering each point 'in full' . When I refused he would berate and harass by email. Once he  threatened to throw me out of the family if I didn't apologise to him over a perceived slight. For a while he succeeded in getting me banned from my own parents' home.
I really don't know I continued to speak to him afterwards.
NC with him too now.
If I ever told him what I think of HIM 'in full' wow that would a long letter. Same with sister!
I never engage with it now. Last time brother tried it ( texting)?I just told him I wouldn't be replying to him again. I haven't.
And he thinks THAT'S rude.   

[AnneH]

One year my mom hid a mean letter into my carry-on bag before a cross-country flight - saying how selfish I was as a daughter, I should be more appreciative of the sacrifices the family made for me, etc. That was over 20 years ago but I'm still stunned that a parent would do such a cruel thing.

Anyone else have this experience - receiving hate mail from family?

Hi desertpine, yes, I got hate mail after just about every encounter with FOO, especially when I went "home" for the holidays. (I have been NC for 5 years and counting). The incident you recounted above really resonated with me because at the end of one visit, uNM sent me a nasty email (a long numbered list of everything I had done "wrong,") while I was still in the house, hoping that I would receive it once I had returned to my own home overseas. (Of course, I ended up checking my email before I left while still believing that my visit had gone reasonably well).  I emailed her back, saying I was disappointed to receive that kind of email while I was visiting, and went downstairs to find her acting perfectly "normal" and "happy" to see me; you would never have guessed that she had sent me that kind of garbage such a short while before.
Whenever the designated scapegoat (usually me) was deemed deserving of this type of email, uNM would gather the "family" for a collaborative writing project in her study, where everyone would contribute to attacking the SG for some perceived slight to the family code of conduct. I remember uNM would read the email out loud for everyone to savor her writing style and contribute their ten cents...

[nanotech]

What compels this kind of behaviour?
It's just so dreadful. Hugs to everyone X

[Fulcrum29SMT]

No, getting hate mail from your family isn't normal, a healthy family would be the last people on Earth to harass you for your health... But unfortunately, based on my experience, healthy families are a small, small minority on Earth.