What a long, strange trip it's been

[serenitycalm]

I am celebrating the fact that I've finally stopped contact with my uNPD/uPPD  sister. I feel good about what I've written her. I did not overly explain, there is no blame, I simply need to focus fully on my own well being.

Her particular mix of narcissism, grudges, paranoia, and waifery reminds me of our (deceased) mother and I don't want to be around that. I fell back into my family role and I am so glad to be stepping away now.

I've been deep in FOG for awhile with my sister. I'd get triggered, feel obliged to help her or at least "figure things out", rinse and repeat.

So............. time to engage some compassion for myself now. I'm going to bolster my healthy self care. I feel a little tender but also so so so very relieved.

This site, forum, and all of you have helped me on my journey so much. Thank you!

[bee well]

Hi serenitycalm,

Your decisiveness is a great place to be in as you break the cycle and start your new way of living. (I think that's what going NC is all about.) The importance of this can't be overestimated.

The relief of disconnect is so welcome after all of the energy spent, isn't it?

Compassion and healthy self-care is where it's at.

So much relational healing takes place here in the forum. I'm also grateful for this place.

Thanks for sharing this moment in your journey!

[guitarman]

Thank you for your post. I can relate to what you wrote about. I have gone no contact with my uBPD/NPD sister for two years.

She still torments me in my head. I am reliving traumatic events from her decades of abusive behaviour and get triggered easily. It's all CPTSD and trauma bonding.

I still feel very guilty about not contacting her but I have to look after my own mental and physical health first. If I got back in contact with her it would only be like before. I realised that she will never change and that I can't change her. I care but can't cope.

Coming to this forum and sharing with others who have similar experiences is vital to my recovery. We are not alone. I have found my tribe here.

Practising Mindfulness meditations regularly has helped me. Being kind to myself helps. My inner critic is very loud.

I follow the Mindfulness teacher Tara Brach www.tarabrach.com

My inner child and inner critic are telling me that I should be in contact with my sister, that I am being cruel and that she needs my help. My adult voice says to me that I have done enough and that I have to look after myself. I frequently have to talk to myself out loud to tell myself that. I need to actually hear those comforting and validating words.

I can't change her. She's never going to change no matter what I do or say. Her behaviour not her words speak for themselves.

I have redefined her behaviour as abuse. That has helped me so much. I didn't realise until it was pointed out to me. Threatening suicide is abuse. I never knew. I just thought that I had to do everything I could to prevent that. She needs professional support that I can't give. She is not my responsibility.

It's difficult to let go and let be. I have to in order for me to live in peace. I wish her well from afar.

[serenitycalm]

Thank you bee well! Yeah, the relief of disconnect is indeed wonderful. I can recover and apply all that energy now for health.

Thank you also guitarman. This part especially means a lot to me:

I have redefined her behaviour as abuse. That has helped me so much. I didn't realise until it was pointed out to me. Threatening suicide is abuse. I never knew. I just thought that I had to do everything I could to prevent that. She needs professional support that I can't give. She is not my responsibility.

I've been in this situation with a friend.  Also with multiple family members who "hint' that they may harm themselves. Now I finally know that all that is above my pay grade.  I report to authorities when need be, I've asked for welfare checks, and otherwise I've had to stay clear. Now I am NC for my own well being.

I have to firmly refocus on myself. Otherwise I am always trying to figure out their chaotic issues. I have to focus on my own recovery. Otherwise when I look in the proverbial mirror I see them, their image of me in my family role, rather than my true self.

Now I have energy to take a walk and look around for my own enjoyment. Rather than desperately using that energy to try to figure out what my narcissistic paranoid depressed anxious waif sister is doing now.

[LemonLime]

Congratulations, SerenityCalm.  You deserve a fulfilling and abuse-free life.
I have an UPDsister, and she's a bit tricky because her abuse is subtle compared to many I've heard about.   But like Guitarman, I've come to understand it is abuse nonetheless.   Rages are verbal abuse.  Name-calling, even if it isn't laced with profanity, is verbal abuse.
And perhaps most importantly.....her raging and then acting like she didn't, is abuse.   It's gaslighting.  It's asking (demanding) that I suspend reality to indulge her  face-saving and image-saving endeavor.   It's telling me I'm crazy and overly-sensitive, without saying those words.   

My parents are not PDs but they enable, by continuing to be willing to ignore and not impose consequences.   This, of course, is partly why she is the way she is.  No consequences means entitlement to do whatever one wishes.  Luckily for me my parent's "get" why I'm VLC with sister.  They do not pressure me to "make up".

The VLC is new for me, and is painful because other than abuse (ha ha) my sister is a gem.   And we have been best friends in the past. And I have no other sibs.
But she has finally pushed it too far, and unfortunately for her I have found this forum and I have grown and I will never look back to the dark old days of FOG.
Never.
I'm so happy for your breakthrough.

[serenitycalm]

LemonLime, I'm so glad that you are treating yourself well and choosing VLC.

Coming Out of the FOG is uncomfortable but very worth it.

Some of the countless "last straws" for me included cruelty, my sister holds deep grudges and says she hopes those people suffer. I also finally had to close the door firmly on all her stories of being injured and ill. Those stories never included any semblance of reality, she never told me if she actually got medical help, and was offended that I suggested this. If she is going through everything she claims (and she might be) she needs to accept good medical and psychological treatment. No matter what, I can't engage. The whole "oh I might be in danger help me help me" waif is part of our family dysfunction.

My mom raged frequently. So very abusive. I was raised to believe that I was to blame, that I was over sensitive. Bah. And humbug.