Your opinions please!!!

[Dodo]

My partner who I've written about in other posts as having high anxiety, possible udpd and doesn't want to go anywhere or do things together (he thinks because we live together that we do everything together already)?????  Anyway it is my grandson's first Bday Sunday and my son wanted us to come over and social distance in the back yard for his birthday.  I haven't seen them since all this quarantine started and I want to go, but my partner will find an excuse not to come I can see it coming.  I want him to come my family wants him to come but when he makes up his mind not to do something, well thats it.  What I want advise about is how not to over react about it if he won't come with me.  We will get into one of our fights again and I don't want to.  I find it embarrassing when he won't come with me as my daughter and son in law think he doesn't like them.  I don't know what to say, I get so irritated by his behaviour.  Like I said how should I behave about this and what should I say to him.  I believe that in the long run his unwillingness about attending family things, which include holidays and just making an effort to do things together,  will eventually spilt us up but for now I'm trying to see if he will budge about some things.  What should I do??

[Cascade]

I don't know how to help you but boy, I sure have been in this same situation with my husband and family events!  I hope you will enjoy his birthday with or without your husband being there.

[bloomie]

Dodo - if it were me I would respect his decision and leave 100% responsibility for it with him. What to say to him? How about... "Okay." Then put on your party clothes and go celebrate that precious grandson.

You have nothing to be embarrassed about. You have done nothing wrong. You are not required to answer for him to your family or anyone else. Just simply refer them to your partner when they ask. "I have not a clue why he didn't come you will have to ask him." or something along those lines.

Why give over one single iota of emotional energy arguing with someone to do something they do not want to do or go somewhere they do not want to go? I wouldn't fight with someone when they say no. But, I would take their choices and unwillingness or disinterest in my family celebrations, spending intentional time with me, and sharing the things that matter to me into consideration when looking at if this person is a good fit for my life or not.

My hope for you is that you go and have a great time!

[GettingOOTF]

My view is that you can’t force someone to be who you want them to be. He has been very clear on how he wants to live his life. It’s highly unlikely that he will budge on anything and if he does it will be short lived.

I reached the point where I came to see that it was unfair of me to expect my ex to be who I wanted him to be when he’d so clearly shown me he didn’t want to change. I chose to leave and build my own life filled with people who share similar interests and temperament to me. I regret those years I wasted trying to talk my ex into being who I wanted him to be. He  moved on very quickly. Was living with someone long before the divorce was final.  She accepts him for who he is and I am free. We are both happier.

I don’t know where you live but in this case I would stay home too. It’s not “social distancing” if you are going over to someone else’s home. Where I am we are not supposed to have contact with anyone who doesn’t live in our homes with us.

[Starboard Song]

What I want advise about is how not to over react about it if he won't come with me. 

What should I do??

You are spot on: if, over time, he never agrees to do things you enjoy and thrive on, and if you continue to want him to do things he does not at all enjoy, your relationship will suffer or end. That is: this is not about Sunday. This is about your relationship's entire course.

It is truly a two-way street, and I think the sort of discussion required may be too high stakes to stay cool through if you try to push through in the next 4 days. I'd suggest you go alone on Sunday, if he declines to go, send his regards, and address this more comprehensively after the fact.

It sounds like you need to make a decision for yourself about what will and won't work for you in the long run. He deserves to know how very important these kinds of things in general are. If it is all about this one occasion, I think tempers will run hot. In the end, you simply want something in measures that he is not readily willing to give.

And it isn't at all easy to say anyone is wrong. You may just be with an introvert who prefers to be a homebody. If other people mistakenly confuse introversion for not liking them, he's not entirely wrong to think that that is their stuff: I'm sure you've told them that he doesn't dislike them.

The hope is that you can explain how very important these kinds of things are, and can also explain that you respect his introversion-homebody style. And maybe together you can agree that there is a certain volume and type of events that you will agree together should be attended together. And you'd be agreeing that additional gatherings of other types you'd not attend together. If you guys can get to that sort of compromise in general then this specific sort of occasion will not be a problem.

So much good strength to you.

[tragedy or hope]

Dodo,
I hear your desire for him to be with you above your desire not to overreact. I completely understand. It is likely tearing your heart out to not have things to be normal when one simple sacrifice on his part could make it so.

I also get that you feel responsible for his decision. Regarding not overreacting... try to bite your tongue. I would not ask him to go again. He knows. Make plans and adjustments in your own heart now, before it is time to go. Realize also that what he is doing is hurting you the most. This is the goal of many pd behaviors.

Don't let him get that satisfaction from you. You get to enjoy life without him. If he could make you stay home with him, he would. Which means be ready for some unpleasant moments as you get closer to departing. Either the day before or on that day. Also be ready for him to cause you some kind of emotional pain even if it is just before you walk out the door. These things have been my experience. I look for them... and I am emotionally ready to deal with it since I know it is his controlling behavior.

He is looking for you to overreact. Get it together in your head before the day comes. Grieve the fact that you will go alone now. When the day comes, you will be able to function better if you accept now that things will not change.

When it is time, I am sure you will feel  the weight of going without him like a thousand extra pounds to drag around the house as you get ready... your heart will hurt, Maybe you will not even feel like going.

Force yourself to go. Not caring about anyone but you is probably a new behavior for you.  Don't make excuses for him when you get there. if you feel like telling others exactly what he has said, do so. If not, do not make it sound palatable for his sake. Simply tell others he was clearly invited to come along with, but made his own choice.

You can do this, you can love and enjoy your family alone. Be ready when you get home to face some child like behavior at your audacity to go alone. Do what you need to do to diffuse that, and feel satisfied that you took care of you and enjoyed your family. Have a lovely time.

[Dodo]

Yes you are all right you can't force someone to do something or go somewhere they don't want to do.  I guess I keep hoping he will see that it may be nice of him to come and make me happy......but he doesn't think like that.  He really does not put himself out for anyone except his own children or unless everyone comes to our home, its all about coming to him.  I will go myself and not bother him at all about it.  Funny he says he is so bored being home all the time, but this quarantine we are all under is normally his life except for his work..... which he put on hold for awhile. 
Thank you all for the amazing advise and comments it helps me sooooo much as to sort him out in my head and in my emotions.

a quote from bloomie really hit home and this something I will consider seriously going forward in this relationship

"I would take their choices and unwillingness or disinterest in my family celebrations, spending intentional time with me, and sharing the things that matter to me into consideration when looking at if this person is a good fit for my life or not."