Partnerships with a PD?

[Mitchy]

My PDh asked me yesterday if I was ready for a real partnership. WHAT?? Are PDs even capable of being a partner? IME it's more like he thinks that being my partner is him telling me what to do and me obeying. I may be wrong about this, but to me a partnership consists of strong communication skills, trust, empowering each person to excel at their strong suits and help with the weaknesses. It's about supporting each other and talking about how to make the hard situations tolerable.

How do you view a partnership with your significant other and has anyone achieved that with a PD?? I mean, if my PDh had his way he would be the sole decision maker, disciplinarian, etc., and I would be the mom in pearls and heels waiting on hubby because he worked so hard all day (AFTER getting home from MY full-time job) being unemployed!!!!!!!!!

Boy, it felt good to get that out!

[notrightinthehead]

It's a good question. If you wanted a real partnership it might not neccessarily involve your present partner.

[capybara]

Maybe it depends on the kind of PD? From everything I've read about BPD (which is what I think I'm dealing with), it can be improved or at least managed with the right therapy and commitment on the PD's part. In my own relationship I have seen some improvement with a combination of couples and individual counseling ($$$) . It took us 3 tries and a referral from his individual therapist to find a couples counsellor who is effective with him.

Right now I would say that in many ways we do have a partnership, but it works best where we have our separate areas of decisionmaking, e.g. I do all the meal planning and 95% of cooking, but he will often grocery shop and sometimes clean the kitchen. We also try not to interfere with each others' disciplining the children (though I would if I was really concerned). That has been very helpful because when we are both involved it tends to escalate.

In terms of truly negotiating our differences and compromising, as I have posted elsewhere, it is very difficult!! He is very quick to feel controlled or shamed, so the band of information that he can absorb in a conflict is very narrow. It is a bit easier in counselling sessions, so I try to save difficult topics for then.

[GentleSoul]

I would describe my marriage with uPD husband as maybe more like mum and young child.  More so now he is so ill so I have care giving in the mix too.

This used to exhaust and annoy me but I am happy with it now most of the time.  I rather enjoy running things!   

What made the difference to me was me stopping husband from interfering and causing chaos.  I told him if he didnt stop doing this, I would no longer do anything and he could take it all on.  He didnt want any responsibility but just to be able to poke his nose in (and fault pick)!! 

So now he just lets me get on with it!  Blissful peace. Our home runs smoothly and quietly.

[coyote]

For me in my relationship the first and most critical was me changing my responses and setting strong boundaries. I think it is different when the uPD partner is a female vs a male. It is also different when children are involved.  I also agree that part of this depends on the type of PD and where they fall on the spectrum.

There can be a lot of variables. Another thing we have done in our case is that we have found what our skills and strengths are and focused on those. So I am good with people and working outside the home. She is good at other projects and keeps the home fires burning.