A flying monkey landed on my soup (help me decipher text exchange)

[Pinkos]

That's what it feels like - something large landed on my soup and splashed mess all over me. For context, this is a male second cousin (lets call him Ben). We've never been close. I would say he's closer to my siblings. He's never been all that warm towards me. And when he moved to my city for about 2 years he didn't really make much of an effort. He's generally anti-social and has had some mental health issues. He's since moved back to my parent's (that I'm NC with) hometown and sends me a random text every 12 months or so. There's no curiousity in my life or wellbeing of course. It's the "Hey Stranger, hope all is well" variety, which I don't respond to half the time. Well he sent me one of those a couple days ago. I decided to ignore it and then ended up responding last night. In our text exchange, he said an uncle of mine was near death and suggested I call.

I was immediately in the FOG and almost picked up the phone to call my father. If you see my old posts you'll see that the last time I spoke to him they had prank called me about another uncle being at death's door, which got me to call pronto. This time I calmed down a bit and decided against making any hasty moves, I was thinking 'wait, he has internal bleeding AND a head injury AND is close to death but he's getting on a plane?' Also, the uncle in question is my aunt's husband. He's a much closer relation to me than to Ben. I'm thinking why didn't my father call or text me to let me know. They were all together celebrating at this wedding that I had no idea about and wasn't invited to (granted I wouldn't have gone so maybe I have no right to be resentful) and no one from my immediate family could bother to text me about this?

I don't know if this is a total fabrication but I also don't like how he added it in there as an afterthought. The man is at death's door and it's a postscript? His tone felt disingenous (there's no way he doesn't know I'm estranged, that's why I wasn't invitited to the wedding. our mothers love to commiserate bitterly about their pitful and disrespectful adult children in front of their respective children) and patronizing ("hun" - we're the same age and he's never called me that before!).

Anyway, if this Uncle is indeed sick/dying I will have to decide how to proceed. I feel like I would only be reaching out to them over this just to assuage my guilt. I feel like the emotional fall out of seeing them all again would be huge for me at this point in my life. I don't know what I'm asking/looking for exactly, just want to be among people who get it!

[Andeza]

Um, in my experience they don't fly people anywhere if they aren't going to make it... They might get rushed to a nearest trauma center of the variety they need by helicopter, but usually they'll stabilize and ambulance transport because it costs less than a freaking helicopter.

[Pinkos]

@Andeza yeah it makes no sense. He was healthy enough to fly there for the wedding and then just randomly had internal bleeding and a head injury? Did he fall? The lack of context is suspicious. Since they were all together for the wedding, I wonder if my parents, siblings, and these relatives were all gathered there with this cousin when he got my text and they prompted him to say that. That would explain the 'oh by the way' nature of it. Its also interesting that there's no attempt to hide the wedding context since I wasn't invited. He could just say he's sick without telling me the wedding part to spare the awkwardness. But this is typical of course, there's no worry of making me feel excluded. I suspect there's some dupers delight though in manipulating me into calling in a panic. Using my persona non grata status to just toy with me. It feels like they're all there together having a good laugh at little ole chopped liver me.

[JustKat]

Hi Pinkos,

This is just my experience, but my family used the "someone is dying" ploy several times to get me to break NC. At the same time, they withheld information about an uncle who really was dying because it would take attention away from my Nmother's supposed illness. I didn't find out that my uncle was sick until after he had passed.

I agree with what Andeza wrote. If something doesn't make sense it's likely a fabrication. Perfect example was something my enFather tried a few years after I went NC. He had my home address and email address but not my phone number. One day he sent me a snail mail letter saying my sister had been in a serious car accident and if I called him right away he'd tell me the name of the hospital where she had been taken. Ummmm... that was sort of an urgent thing, no? He could have emailed me, but instead sent a letter that took two days to arrive. Some narcs just aren't very good at the whole hoover thing.

A family member who's near death shouldn't be an afterthought at the end of a phone call. And if you're specifically told to contact a parent you've gone NC with for the details, one more reason to be suspicious. I'd trust your instincts. If it doesn't sound genuine or believable, it probably isn't.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Agreed with the previous posters. I too smell a hoover rat. Never talks to you, but once you're in the nice back and forth (a guest room, sweet) it's oh by the way... let's level this up to phone call, hun.

He said he would update you if he heard anything. What if you said, "Decided it's best I don't call dad, but please do keep me updated on uncle. I appreciate it!"

I mean, after all this text back and forth the least he could do is text you if the dude gets altitude sickness from the helicopter ride and has to be dropped from the air directly to the hospice 0.5 miles from your house.

Maybe that humor is too dark, but gosh I've had a couple of those experiences too. Including the voicemail telling me to call if I want the name of the funeral home.  I mean, one couldn't simply leave the necessary information in a voicemail after all. Nor could I possibly Google, "[Grandma's name] obituary."

This might sound terrible off this board, but if you are estranged from everyone, why do you feel you need to do anything at all about your uncle's poor health? If he were not ill, you'd be peacefully ignoring his existence, yes? Illness and death are inevitable for all of us, and doesn't really affect WHY you have chosen to estrange yourself from the family. And even if he should die if this mysterious illness, you'd still be in a major mess.

For myself, I had no interest in being part of the dramatic tableau over my grandmother's body. She was a very sad and bitter woman who had never shown any care for me. She had been used and abused her whole life, and the way I could best honor her is to take no part in her death being used to perpetuate abuse for another generation.

[sunshine702]

Also complete triangulation.  So and so has a brain bleed but I am not going to text you his number and any of the medical treatment details so basically you have to talk to NC dad to get the info.  Is that correct?

I might text back - give Uncle you care about my number if he would like to reach me.   Phones go both ways.  Go right to the source.  Personality Disorders and their monkey like to be the gatekeeper and relay messages.  Go direct no 3rd party.

[Pinkos]

@JustKathy - Thank you for sharing your experience! After reading your comment I did a search of the forum using "Hoover" and wow!! I'm sure I've read about the medical/emergency hoover before but as I'm sure you and many on here can relate once I was plunged into the FOG from the text exchange it feels like I developed temporary amnesia. I was so disoriented and had a huge rush of adrenline and didn't sleep much that night.

@Call Me Cordelia - Your comment made me laugh!! Thank you! I appreciate the dark humor. It really is just absurd. And you're right of course, I have not spoken or thought about this uncle in several years and now assuming he's sick/dying I feel compelled to put on a show of concern and care --- it would be absolutely phony on my part. I don't feel anything about him being sick/dying. It feels so removed from my life. And I think that makes me feel guilty by itself separate from their manipulations. I guess it's also fear that *wow when I get sick and am on my deathbed, I guess whoever is still around will feel the same way towards me - indifferent.* I don't know who will be at my side when that time comes for me but I know my uncle will not be alone if he is indeed dying.

@sunshine702 - Thank you for your comment. Yep 100% triangulation. This morning I woke up and decided not to engage further with this cousin and blocked him on my phone. I'm not going to call my father either. If this uncle is indeed dying and my father wants me to know he can call me or text me. Or my cousins can. I need to be mindful of viewing NC as something I'm inflicting on them. I think many on here feel like I do that we don't go into NC lightly - they force us into it. I was frozen out by years of emotional abuse and neglect before going NC. Since childhood. I just decided to move on with my life and take better care of myself. I'm not invited to the wedding, but I have to attend the sick bed/funeral? I don't think so.

I'm so grateful for this forum!

[Cat of the Canals]

He was healthy enough to fly there for the wedding and then just randomly had internal bleeding and a head injury? Did he fall? The lack of context is suspicious.

This was my thought. The complete lack of explanation as to how he sustained internal bleeding AND a head injury is just bizarre. Fall? Car accident? All plausible, but then wouldn't you say, "Hey, UNCLE was in an accident..." The suggestion that he's going to be put on a plane in such a condition just seals it as Fishy AF.

I also agree with Cordelia that the lightning speed at which he demanded (at least he said "please"?  ) you call him felt off. Kudos to you for not taking the bait, by the way! That was quick thinking to tell him you were in the car.

[Leonor]

I can only express my reaction to your cousin's text in emoji


They actually think this nonsense will work.


The medical hoover is hooverin' away vroom vroom.

It makes no sense.

You did good in not responding.

You deserve a hug!

[Pinkos]

Thank you @Cat of the Canals & Leonor.

The "call me please" was indeed jarring in the moment. I was expecting to have the usual inane text convo and move on. It's amazing how much clarity waiting 48 hours has given me. It's humbling after all these years to realize that yeah I can still fall so quickly into the FOG after a random text exchange. I suppose they have the element of surprise on their side! The guilt and fear of no longer playing the dutiful, pleasing, caring daughter/relative is STRONG! I'm proud of myself for not engaging further and having the presence of mind to step back in the moment! Thank you to this community for helping me pick myself back up!

[donutmoonpanda]

Wonderful thread. When I went NC I was never contacted by either parent. No calls, texts, emails, or flying monkeys. They just went away in the fashion of you can't fire me, I quit! They never try to suck me back in, unless someone (or some pet) is dying. The only hoover they ever used in the last 7 years is the DEATH hoover. Not sickness, not hospitalization, just death. Someone literally dying is a tool for them. "How can I use this nightmare situation for my own gain?" Classic PD behavior.

[Pinkos]

This morning I received a text from my cousin (the Uncle in question's daughter). It's an imessage and there's just a pdf attachment. That's it. After being cautioned numerous times at work to be cautious about opening links/attachments I'm hesitant to open it. I haven't spoken to this cousin in years! The last time I saw her she was rude and standoffish. But if her father, my uncle, has indeed passed away I guess this could be some kind of annoucement. I blocked Ben so I've missed anything he may have sent to update me. I unblocked him this morning just in case. I'm feeling triggered and my thoughts are all over the place again. I don't know why I'm fixated on finding out what the deal is, and wondering why my immediate family hasn't contacted me. I still can't envision attending a funeral or visiting my uncle's home to pay my respects. I also don't want to respond to this cousin to find out if the attachment was from her or some type of phishing. Am I just punishing myself here? Should I just text her to find out? And then what?

[moglow]

Google is your friend sometimes - first I'd prob search his name and town for an obituary. Depending on what you find, offer condolences or respond that Ben had told you about her dad and you hope he's improving. Or tell her you got a blank email from her and didn't know if she was trying to reach you. I wouldn't be drawn into any conversation about your parents, that's between you and them.

It could be innocent on her part, her response would likely tell you.

[Pinkos]

I've worked so hard to detach myself from my family/extended family's expectations, guilt trips, one-way obligations etc for the past several years by going NC and I think I'm just fearful of getting dragged back in now. Reaching out to anyone at this point feels like opening the door to get guilted into attending whatever get together is being planned. I know talking to anyone now will heighten my sense of guilt/shame.

Nothing on Google yet but I did get a missed call from another uncle (no VM). Due to the timing I'm feeling like Ben wasn't exaggerating. They have showed up at my job and home in the past and may do so again because 'we need to put all differences aside and come together at a time like this.' I'm trying to calm my nervous system and self-validate, self-validate, self-validate.

[moglow]

Reasonable people will leave a message, ask you to call them back. Unreasonable people make drop in visits at places of employment etc making demands of "putting differences aside for the sake of ..." Were we truly putting differences aside, none of that will be brought up and they will simply respect the situation as is. That said, I can understand any hesitance on their part in leaving "Uncle Bob has passed" voicemails, but at least leave voicemail asking you to please call. For me, no message means they will call back. Or not. Not my/your stuff to manage, so don't take that on yourself. You are never responsible for someone else's failure to communicate.

Repeat after Mo: No good ever comes of dramatic demands during times of emotional upheaval. That's not a time for"resolution" or "discussions." Their responsibility is to simply provide information, yours is to decide what to do with said information when you receive it. NOTHING having to do with your parental relationships need be discussed unless/until you choose to do so and initiate it yourself. Quote me.

[moglow]

And btw, me making above pronouncements are as much a reminder for myself as advice for you. Been there done that too many times to count.

[Liketheducks]

Funny, I've had it both ways.   Dad, afraid of covid, reached out apologized, and with have limited contact.   Mom has a heart attack after the fake cancer scares, etc.....and doesn't call but has a 2nd cousin reach out to me.   Someone who is actually a counselor specializing in PTSD who was SO outrageous with me I had to block her.

They don't life flight just to go home.

[Pinkos]

Thanks @moglow, @Liketheducks. Unfortunately, I tried to crack the door open twice in the last several years of NC and both times I felt like even maintaining VLC seemed pointlessly tiring. I'm not even looking for an apology nor do I expect them to understand the dysfunction and harm they've caused as parents -- that's never going to happen -- but I could do LC/VLC if they would just make an effort to be pleasant and not turn the level of contact into a power struggle and be so needy/demanding/entitled. They drain me. [They literally gave my number to some man who lives in Europe to try to set me up and he kept calling and harassing me after I told him I wasn't interested. In fact he insulted me by email after I told him to leave me alone. Perhaps it was just a hoover attempt but it was so creepy. They acted like they weren't involved and some other relative did it and urged me to meet with him/talk to him with no regard for my safety.] Their constant disapproval and devaluing of me as a person with agency angers me and just makes me think - "what is the point of engaging with these people? What is even the point??" I don't feel any sort of affection or care for them at this point but I could manage a sort of detached kind of relationship with low expectations just to keep the lines of communication open. This is unacceptable to them and they'd rather discard me then let it be "on my terms."   

Anyway, I haven't heard from anyone else since the missed call. Honestly, if a couple of them had called/left messages and expressed some warmth and a genuine desire for me to attend whatever gathering is taking place and to smooth the way for me, I would consider it. But I know the smear campaign has been going on for years and they've gossiped about me ad nauseum with this uncle's family. I would expect nothing but hostility from this family (and my own parents/siblings as well!) at this point. And if he has to chose between them or me, my father will always choose them. So I don't think I'm wrong in that his silence is a message to me that I'm expected to show contrition now, crawl back, and take whatever crap from this family in their time of grief!

Sorry all I guess I'm just venting!