Highly welcome advice here :) I'm part of a family member group text. I'm LC with most with plans to go NC with one in the chain (uNPD sis)
I've just been ignoring the chain and turning off notifications, not reading at all (the amount of text banter is too much and triggering sometimes). It's been a huge help to my mental health.
But just today someone decided to share something that would come off as really rude to ignore :aaauuugh: won't go into details.... And I just happened to read it :doh: (I do suspect this could be a hoovering tactic to bring me back in touch with uNPD sis, btw, since I've been radio silent in the group mostly - they could have just texted me this individually, so hmmmm....)
With regards to LC/NC with all, this is my strategy: :disappear:
What would you do? I just want to slow fade, but blocking would alert all of them and raise questions.
Is it worth it to just not check the thread if I miss news, no matter how bad it looks? Come up with an excuse? (Some ideas: Say I turn off notifications for group texts because I got caught in a really annoying group text in the past while I was at work? Say I read it and just havent/didn't answer yet?)
Not having to hear what uNPD sis has to say *at all* has been healing. Thank you in advance :)
Hi, whitedeer! I happened upon your post and read it because I too have had a group text issue in the past. In hindsight, I wished upon being added to the group I would have said "sorry y'all, I don't do group texts." But, I didn't so it became more awkward.
If you don't feel comfortable leaving the thread, just never respond and they will get the idea that you don't check it. Or if you do check it and respond occasionally, you can say that..that you check it occasionally and answer when you can. If something's really important, reach out to me individually..
It seems like they use it for drama (as group texts often do).. You might even think about saying nicely "hey, y'all, I'm bowing out of group texting, but feel free to reach out if you need me." or something... then you can block who you want from there and not see or worry what the others think..
I hope this isn't overstepping. I don't know the best thing for you, but I'm going off of experiences, and a group when N's are concerned, especially if you're wanting to reduce or eliminate contact of one or more, has the potential to get harder to manage.
I'm stuck in a group text situation that I never wanted to be a part of....if I leave the group, it will definitely get noticed...I don't respond to anything, ever...I'm hoping that eventually they'll just drop me out of the group....I can't understand how people spend so much time on cell phones!!
What are you afraid of? Being in the group text is causing you stress and anxiety. You need to put your own mental health and well-being first. Do what YOU need to do. If others react in a bad way that is their problem not yours. How they cope with rejection is up to them not up to you. You are not responsible for their inability to cope. That is their problem to deal with not yours.
I know it's not easy to put our own feelings and well-being first because of all the programming we've had to cope with for years, maybe even decades. All the FOG fear, obligation and guilt takes it toll. You need to look after you. No one else is going to do that for you.
It's OK to put your own feelings and well-being first. You matter too. You need to work on building up your own self esteem and being more assertive. Calmly talk more about your own feelings first and what you want and need. How others behave is up to them, not you.
You do not have to JADE that is justify, argue, defend or explain yourself. You could simply tell them that you are not going to take part any more. Keep it short. They may try and goad you but stay strong and don't engage. Whatever happens stay calm.
Keep strong. Keep calm.
whitedeer,
My NBIL and NSIL have a group text. Did you know that their Christmas tree two years ago was two stories tall? Did you know that they had 800 Easter eggs for the hunt in their backyard for their four children last year? Do you have a picture of every pie, every side and main dish they make for every holiday? Because I do!
Those texts along with the oohs and ahhs from the rest of the family drove me batty. I tried not to be bothered by them. I suck at that. I tried not to read them. I suck at that too. Just before the holidays last year, I started to get anxious and angry about the texts I would receive. So I changed my cell number. Extreme and a pain in the rear, yes. But the msgs are gone and my inlaws will never get my new number. Bonus, MIL can't text me and try to tell me she thought she was texting my husband. (Doesn't she have separate contacts for the two of us? I would think so.)
If they ever figure out that the number they have is wrong, husband is to tell them, "She doesn't text." I never responded to those group texts anyway, so that should track. They can be mad if they want. My family doesn't like that I answer voicemails with emails. Oh well. I don't really talk on the phone anymore, so that's just how it is.
Wow Winterstar,
You just described my group text group!! I get daily (sometimes 3) texts about the beautiful, smart, amazing, talented baby....how they have traveled to this country and that resort....how wonderful their house is...what restaurant they are visiting...the food they are eating, the next new car they bare buying, etc., etc., etc. :stars:
I honestly don't understand it except to say that this person is addicted to social media....I have never experienced this before but this person spends all of their time on FB, Instagram, Twitter, etc. They even keep track of who comments or "likes" their posts or not....Before you assume this is a young teenager, this is actually a very very highly educated professional person...I don't understand it except to assume that they are so narcissist that they can't stop themselves...Sadly, all of the family members who play along and comment and respond only add fuel to the fire...
One thing is certain, watching this person has completely turned me off of social media (not that I was big fan anyway)
Thank you all so much for your responses! Seriously, seeing them all has warmed my heart like nothing else, and the support is real :grouphug:
No. - Thank you for your advice! No, you're not overstepping (By the way your name is perfect.) I don't mind group texts inherently - just def not with my FOO anymore. The group text isnt so much drama as it is passive-aggressive uNPD sis zingers aimed this way or that, otherwise it's personal "look at me!" group text hour (while ignoring what everyone else says). Hmmmm, yeah, I suppose that's drama...
But if I said I didn't like group texts to their faces, Im sure I would have gotten flack for it
(If I don't go with the flow in my FOO I get called out/scapegoated for it, even called mean sometimes.) Thus, I feel a lot of pressure not to antagonize, and the slightest twitch in the wind could be seen as antagonism.
DH used to get pulled into these group texts and he'd leave them immediately, not answer, and/or voice his opinion about how he didn't like them. My family was really sensitive to it (smh...) and found it to be an unpleasant part of his personality (though now more and more I see his side and I think they're the unreasonable ones.) I'm sure it's one of the many tiny logged away/stockpiled pieces of evidence uNPD sis is using to smear campaign DH to the rest of the fam right now...
Guitarman - thank you! If I had money I'd fire my inner critic and hire you instead. I *am* trained and I hate it! I think if anyone outright *asks* or confronts me and finds my disengagement unacceptable (which is really ridiculous when I think about it) I plan to say what I feel and stick to my guns.... But in addition to avoiding the JADE, I'm gonna be the greyest, medium-est, chillest rock there ever was. :cool2: We'll see how it goes...
Winterstar - That. Sounds. So. Painful. You and my DH would be able to commisserate... Except he would probably love pictures of side dishes lol.... he would have loved that way more than having to listen about obscure artists and filmmakers and musicians and actors and blablabla and act like he liked it and knew what was going on, just like the rest of us....(P.S. 800 Easter eggs is too much!!! I also hate talking on the phone too...)
Overitall - FOO? FOC? In-laws? (If you're comfortable sharing).
The group texts originate from an in-law (can't be more specific) It is a huge issue, especially after the birth of a child...it is constant, multi-daily texts and photos...then the comments start...I turn the volume off of my phone...if I drop out of the group it WILL be noticed....I do not understand how people have literally hours of each day to do this...Moreover, I think that the more they keep bombarding people with how "wonderful" they are, they are likely losing friends.....
I never comment, never "like" anything, hoping they will just drop me out of the group...it would be such a relief :yeahthat:
Great posts here already. Including one that made me chuckle -thanks winterstar- that really nailed it about how people use these group texts.
I posted my 2 cents about a group text with toxic ILs just now over in the ILs area to member teddy2008.
Trees
On a similar note (hope I don't offend). I really loathe the annual Christmas letter I receive from a couple of friends. The dreaded 'year-in-review' that amounts to a self-congratulating, laundry list of self-focused bragging points. "my child passed kindergarten", "I earned an award", "our fabulous vacation", " H was promoted to xyz". All about performance and ranking. (Similar to the 2 story Christmas tree and 800 Easter eggs.)
Ughhhh.... makes me want to run myself on a sword.
I am not against Christmas letters in general (updates, family move, birth of child, etc.) and I don't have difficulty being genuinely happy for other's success, even if I don't share in that success! It's the one-upmanship that annoys me.
Maybe this is just my particular acquaintances that do this to an extreme? Maybe it's me? :Idunno:
Thanks Trees for alerting me about that thread! I'll have to hop over there and read/possibly share. I already read your post there - loved it.
Free2Bme - THANK YOU. No offense taken at all, I actually have the *exact* same opinion as you about Christmas letters/cards - I don't dislike them as a rule, but I don't like getting an "oversharing" letter from someone who doesn't themselves bother or care to know how I'm doing/what I'm up to, or even invite me to things. I find it really tone deaf, honestly.
My DH and I have a couple acquaintances, and completely out of nowhere they sent us one of those posed Christmas cards with pictures this year. I have no idea how they got our address! They haven't bothered to visit or spend time with us even when invited over ( and they definitely don't invite us anywhere), and they always seem snooty or like they have better things to do.
But somehow they made the effort of finnagling our address from someone we know (or online - not directly from us at all?!) so they can force us to read their loudly trumpeted accomplishments wearing ugly sweaters holding their dog, and then we have to hang it on our fridge just to be nice.
So obnoxious.
Yes Free2Bme, PDs also use the annual Christmas letter. My NF loooooooves his Christmas letter. He retired early. He went to Alaska. He's spending the winter in Florida. His life is so perfect. Living the dream. Funny, NF didn't send a Christmas letter the year he was in jail for possession of child pornography. The whole jail/child porn thing never made it into subsequent letters either.
This past Christmas he bragged about getting his second grandson. I have three daughters. My brother has a daughter. They weren't worth mentioning. Just the grandsons my brother gave him. He also said something about needing to be in contact with our loved ones and how important it is to all be there for each other. At least in part, that was certainly meant for me, his vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvlc daughter. She needs to straighten herself out and stop keeping the granddaughters not worth mentioning in the Christmas letter away from him. I cut the letter and accompanying photo of him and his current live-in girlfriend and their pets into a zillion pieces. It was very cathartic.
"NF didn't send a Christmas letter the year he was in jail for possession of child pornography. "
Thanks winterstar, lol......... I needed that today. :laugh:
I think for me I've realized that if a person doesn't show any interest or care in me, then why should I care about their accomplishments or vacations or Christmas trees or what have you? I feel like that's the crux of it. It almost feels hostile for someone who never reaches out to you in a meaningful way or genuinely asks how you're doing to so adamantly update you with their life events. It makes sense when you think about the narcissistic condition. They need an audience. But beyond that, they need to put us down too. There's definitely a competitive, one-upmanship element involved in these "updates," like others have said.
We can be certain of this because we instantly feel like crap upon receiving them. I feel lonelier and excluded when I get these "updates." I had a similar thing happen last week completely out of the blue. I've been NC with my family/relatives for the past 5 years. None of them have really made a genuine effort to reconcile. It's all my fault of course. No one understands what happened and I'm cast as this angry/volatile person who is lashing out by giving everyone the silent treatment. I'm trying to control them, in their eyes. And I broke NC earlier this year and was swiftly reminded why I HAD to go NC. I've spoken to my father a handful of times in the past 3-4 months and each time I was feeling dread and anxiety. It all just felt perfunctory and futile.
So why this second cousin would include me in a group text about her graduation from a prestigious law school baffled me. I didn't even know who it was and had to Google the number to find out. I felt guilty for not being happy about the news. Of course the inner critic was having a field day with me. I feel certain that her mother put her up to it with my parents full support. (There's a long history of the two parents comparing their children's accomplishments, esp my accomplishments. It's interesting how in my family it's only the daughters who are compared in this way and who fail to please no matter what they do. Sons are given all the benefit of the doubt and coddled.) I feel certain this was a message aimed at me, to take a dig at me and make me feel unaccomplished and like a failure. And momentarily it did make me feel all those things. I had to wrestle with that for a whole day. And every conversation with my Ndad for the last 3-4 months was peppered with these veiled criticisms - the message is always the same - that I'm a failure, not good enough. So I was primed to then go down that slippery slope after this text. They (as part of my inner voice) were telling me that I was just envious because I wasn't as accomplished. That I was miserable and looking for an excuse to blame her and them for my feelings. That to prove I wasn't feeling that way I should text back and offer my congratulations. Ha!
Why should I want to be updated about this cousin's accomplishments? I have had zero contact with this cousin and her parents in the last 5-7 years. But I'm supposed to be supportive and congratulate because this cousin deigned to inform me about her life? It felt like self-betrayal to even acknowledge this message. Because none of them are asking about my life. Their silence towards me has been deafening. But I'm supposed to take time out of my day to watch her graduation online? So what was the real intent in including me in the text? And believe me they do plenty of excluding so it's not about being inclusive.
In the end I didn't respond and I blocked the number. Because you know what, no! I went ahead and blocked my father too. It was a colossal mistake to break NC. Of course nothing had changed after all these years. It was like we had picked back up exactly where we left off.
Great to see other people talking about this.
I was in a big, extended family group on Whatsapp. It used to irritate me because it was mostly people bragging about their achievements, or their children's achievements and so on.
Things came to a head last December. I was angry about how I was treated by a certain family member, and then her mother posts something which kind of implied that this "person" was angelic or something lol. On top of this, some toxic former friends had added me to a group, trying to get me to engage with them just because it was Christmastime I guess. I've fallen for that before but I won't be doing so again.
So anyway, I "left" the family group without saying anything, but nonetheless they would all see that I had left. Shortly afterwards I got rid of Whatsapp altogether.
I'm not really on any social media these days. I deleted Facebook several years ago.
I'm NC on social media with family of origin. They used to be just the same, either the show off, or the put down, or both.
They like to read all about me, and either ignore me blatantly, or try to passive aggressively criticise me and belittle me, both publicly to their friends, and also in group chats.
They loved social media for the window on my world it offered them. Countless times, they crossed the line. I would point it out and they would get their last word in, and then dramatically unfriend me.
After a time, I would feel sorry that we weren't speaking. I would always be the one to reach out. It was always me.
Things would be fine for a while, then nasty whisps of abuse would begin to curl in, and the pattern would start all over again.
I tried to talk to two of them about boundaries. What a waste of time that was. One laughed. The other got furious. With the furious one, I've had to ban texts as well.
There's no appealing to their 'better nature".
NC with them and VLC with my one remaining parent.
No more of the posturing, passive- aggressive group chats.
No more of the magical thinking/sickly sweet love bombing for each other on their various Facebook pages ( posted so friends could tell them what a lovely family we are. And they did tell them).
The FOO despise me now. Not that they ever liked me, but my oh so public non -compliance REEKS of family discord, which they can't have , because it isn't a good look to their Facebook friends, whom they are all about impressing.
I've never been happier. I can be myself online. I don't have to worry about them breathing down my neck.
There's dislike and disapproval from them, but hey, what's new? It's water off a ducks back. Once you realise that they will never have your back, the decision is easy.
Quote from: nanotech on July 08, 2020, 07:08:26 PM
Once you realise that they will never have your back, the decision is easy.
I'm starting to feel my FOO will never have my back on emotional matters, but the decision for me is hard. I wish it was easy. I wish I could shut the door on them forever but some part of me is terrified of even worse abuse after that to follow somehow. Maybe that's a fear I need to overcome.
I did block their group message thread though. I don't even care if they saw it. Bombing everyone's phones with texts at 1:30 AM. I'd had enough. If they follow up or something I'll tell them I installed an app that blocks group texts.
Quote from: DistanceNotDefense on July 09, 2020, 08:05:49 AM
Quote from: nanotech on July 08, 2020, 07:08:26 PM
Once you realise that they will never have your back, the decision is easy.
I'm starting to feel my FOO will never have my back on emotional matters, but the decision for me is hard. I wish it was easy. I wish I could shut the door on them forever but some part of me is terrified of even worse abuse after that to follow somehow. Maybe that's a fear I need to overcome.
I did block their group message thread though. I don't even care if they saw it. Bombing everyone's phones with texts at 1:30 AM. I'd had enough. If they follow up or something I'll tell them I installed an app that blocks group texts.
That's dreadful. I'm glad you blocked them.
I think my post should have also mentioned that it was a cathartic moment for me when I realised that they had never HAD my back. It's actually a huge shock.
I understood that despite that, I still loved them and always would, but I wasn't going to engage in relationships with them any further. The connections just weren't healthy.
Quote from: nanotech on July 09, 2020, 01:30:26 PM
Quote from: DistanceNotDefense on July 09, 2020, 08:05:49 AM
Quote from: nanotech on July 08, 2020, 07:08:26 PM
Once you realise that they will never have your back, the decision is easy.
I'm starting to feel my FOO will never have my back on emotional matters, but the decision for me is hard. I wish it was easy. I wish I could shut the door on them forever but some part of me is terrified of even worse abuse after that to follow somehow. Maybe that's a fear I need to overcome.
I did block their group message thread though. I don't even care if they saw it. Bombing everyone's phones with texts at 1:30 AM. I'd had enough. If they follow up or something I'll tell them I installed an app that blocks group texts.
That's dreadful. I'm glad you blocked them.
I think my post should have also mentioned that it was a cathartic moment for me when I realised that they had never HAD my back. It's actually a huge shock.
I understood that despite that, I still loved them and always would, but I wasn't going to engage in relationships with them any further. The connections just weren't healthy.
I feel you nanotech....I was so disgruntled and lost sleep over that. So far it's only been crickets and no waves since blocking them, so that's good. And they banter about things I just don't relate to, that's the worst part.
My FOO has never had my back, either, on emotional matters especially....materialism is a different matter, I think my M feels deep-buried guilt she can't handle emotions so she'll give me money, though it makes me uncomfortable especially when I don't need it ...
I'm still in shock over absorbing this over the last couple years, that family will never rally or validate my emotional past or present. Only ignore it or chuck it aside or use it as fodder for passive aggressive drama. If Im silent and keep to myself and have boundaries, I'm too inaccessible and inconvenient; if I'm honest and speak my mind then I'm somehow abusive, scary, and mean. It just sucks. Hope to get out of this FOG soon.
Quote from: DistanceNotDefense on July 10, 2020, 06:51:19 PM
Quote from: nanotech on July 09, 2020, 01:30:26 PM
Quote from: DistanceNotDefense on July 09, 2020, 08:05:49 AM
Quote from: nanotech on July 08, 2020, 07:08:26 PM
Once you realise that they will never have your back, the decision is easy.
I'm starting to feel my FOO will never have my back on emotional matters, but the decision for me is hard. I wish it was easy. I wish I could shut the door on them forever but some part of me is terrified of even worse abuse after that to follow somehow. Maybe that's a fear I need to overcome.
I did block their group message thread though. I don't even care if they saw it. Bombing everyone's phones with texts at 1:30 AM. I'd had enough. If they follow up or something I'll tell them I installed an app that blocks group texts.
That's dreadful. I'm glad you blocked them.
I think my post should have also mentioned that it was a cathartic moment for me when I realised that they had never HAD my back. It's actually a huge shock.
I understood that despite that, I still loved them and always would, but I wasn't going to engage in relationships with them any further. The connections just weren't healthy.
I feel you nanotech....I was so disgruntled and lost sleep over that. So far it's only been crickets and no waves since blocking them, so that's good. And they banter about things I just don't relate to, that's the worst part.
My FOO has never had my back, either, on emotional matters especially....materialism is a different matter, I think my M feels deep-buried guilt she can't handle emotions so she'll give me money, though it makes me uncomfortable especially when I don't need it ...
I'm still in shock over absorbing this over the last couple years, that family will never rally or validate my emotional past or present. Only ignore it or chuck it aside or use it as fodder for passive aggressive drama. If Im silent and keep to myself and have boundaries, I'm too inaccessible and inconvenient; if I'm honest and speak my mind then I'm somehow abusive, scary, and mean. It just sucks. Hope to get out of this FOG soon.
Hi Distance I'm just going to sleep ( I'm in the UK) but I did want to answer you. Your last paragraph describes how my FOO view me too. It's uncanny really. When I did try to connect and improve things ( I tried to enlighten them on the family dysfunction) they simply found me bossy and overbearing and they told me so. I'm an introvert so.... hello? Don't think so.
Now I'm low to no contact I hear they are frustrated and annoyed by the lack of access and the fact that to speak to me they can only ring me.
They miss the fb group messaging where they used to love to indulge in passive aggressive behaviour at my expense. They miss being on my fb page in general. They enjoyed nosying about me and seeing what they could criticise.,
One to one phone calls don't happen of course- for starters they can't perform to an audience. And the N siblings know I have phone boundaries now too. No triangulating. No waifing, no interrogating. No guilt tripping, no fearmongering, no catastrophising.
I only speak to dad by phone and I keep it VLC. I've told him directly the things I won't now discuss. With anything that still comes up ( he tries but not often) I just grey rock or change the subject, but I handle it.
I'm NO fun anymore!
They miss me as a target, not as a loving sister/ aunt/ daughter.
Keep your boundaries hun. I read in a book called 'Toxic Parents' ( Susan Forward) that Narcissists need to put other family members down in order to raise their own self -esteem. If we do well, they dislike themselves more. This is scary to believe, yet when I read that I thought,
'That's my family. That explains everything. Now I understand why they get upset and annoyed when I achieve things.'
We are not 'close', we are all just competitors. I'm now finding my tribe elsewhere- made a good start with my hubby and my kids.
I've got some extended family who are emotionally healthy and I'm in more contact with them these days. I was warned off them, and kept away from them physically when growing up. Guess what, they are lovely.
It's my lot who have the problems! Find the good folk, and stick with them. Our dysfunctional FOO don't have any power to cage us with their skewed narrative. It's all bluster.
When we make these changes it's still upsetting to begin with. We have to deconstruct a fantasy we've been indoctrinated into and held close for a long, long time. I think I even felt grief. It does pass. They might try lovebombing you- watch out for that. It's a trick. Or they may engage a Flying Monkey to try to charm you back into the fold. ( see the toolbox).
Nanotech....thank you! Thank you for taking the time to write this out to me right around your bed time. I appreciate it and your words really give me strength, and are really helping me see the light.
All of what you describe sounds so awful and, of course, familiar. I've just blocked my FOO on FB, they're in a tizzy about it of course, and in the process also revealed how obsessively they've been checking my FB page (probably to gather details about my life and conjecture forever about how awful me and my DH are, or at least debate about it) so it was a good decision.
Thanks for telling me to keep my boundaries, watch out for love bombing, and flying monkeys. I will! It's going to be very hard to rebuild trust with FOO after the corner they've pushed me into anyway, and I'm paranoid as hell about them, which doesn't feel good but protects me in the long run at least :thumbup: (Long back story to this I realize, it's found in other threads I started )
And I think you're right - I think my having a husband, successful businesses, buying a house, etc. and being a separate, functioning, healthy individual outside of FOO is the real problem they have. I'm fortunate to have a great marriage and a great pool of friendships and community to find a new sense of family in after all this, too.
Quote from: nanotech on July 11, 2020, 06:16:52 PM
When we make these changes it's still upsetting to begin with. We have to deconstruct a fantasy we've been indoctrinated into and held close for a long, long time. I think I even felt grief. It does pass.
This, this, a thousand times this. Still stuck in this stage and all the emotion that comes with it, and I can feel crazy and like I'm stuck in a bad dream, but I refuse bowing down to dysfunction and self-hate for comfort, and what I've seen cannot be unseen....
Distance you will get through it, though it feels hard.
I think I felt like an abandoned child for a while!
Jerry Wise said something important in one of his videos - ( I think it was the 'Calmness is Everything ' one. ( that's well worth looking at.) He said that once we are adults, we don't need the love of our parents. ( or siblings)
We CAN get by fine without it. Of course it would be nice to have it, he said, but we don't actually need it to thrive.
That's a big statement.
I realised he was right.
I found that quite freeing.
But you might not be at this point yet. You are on your way to it.
I'm in a happy marriage too, and they resented it and tried to look for things wrong with it. In the past they've even tried a smear campaign against hubby. All my hubby's ever been to them is respectful and helpful.
They are just not very nice people. I've forgiven them countless times. I didn't realise they were being abusive at times, until after I came Out of the FOG. This is because as I was growing up, shaming, disrespect and negative criticism, was normalised.
It's about 9 years now since I read the book ' Toxic Parents,'
Wow what an eye opener.
Then I found this wonderful website.
Then I had therapy.
I also watch Kris Godinez, Jerry Wise, Les Carter on you tube. All good stuff and it will get you through!
It took me some time and sometimes I feel by the wayside or I got sucked back in for a while. Happens.
Well done for blocking them on fb. Honestly you will feel so much better and stronger for it. And for me, the calming effect increases still as more time passes (about three years for the two malicious Ns, and fairly recently I've also blocked two flying monkey family members. There was a fuss about that, but I stuck to it.
The fuss made me realise that yep 👍 they were feeding info back to the others :yeahthat:- so it was a great decision.
Something about the format of Facebook really attracts PDs. I've heard it referred to as a narcissist's playground. I'm still on it, just with the healthy relationships! Take care!! 🤗
Thank you again, nanotech, for those extremely wise words. They help me. You take care, too!
:bighug:
Quote from: nanotech on July 08, 2020, 07:08:26 PM
I'm NC on social media with family of origin. They used to be just the same, either the show off, or the put down, or both.
They like to read all about me, and either ignore me blatantly, or try to passive aggressively criticise me and belittle me, both publicly to their friends, and also in group chats.
They loved social media for the window on my world it offered them. Countless times, they crossed the line. I would point it out and they would get their last word in, and then dramatically unfriend me.
After a time, I would feel sorry that we weren't speaking. I would always be the one to reach out. It was always me.
Things would be fine for a while, then nasty whisps of abuse would begin to curl in, and the pattern would start all over again.
I tried to talk to two of them about boundaries. What a waste of time that was. One laughed. The other got furious. With the furious one, I've had to ban texts as well.
There's no appealing to their 'better nature".
NC with them and VLC with my one remaining parent.
No more of the posturing, passive- aggressive group chats.
No more of the magical thinking/sickly sweet love bombing for each other on their various Facebook pages ( posted so friends could tell them what a lovely family we are. And they did tell them).
The FOO despise me now. Not that they ever liked me, but my oh so public non -compliance REEKS of family discord, which they can't have , because it isn't a good look to their Facebook friends, whom they are all about impressing.
I've never been happier. I can be myself online. I don't have to worry about them breathing down my neck.
There's dislike and disapproval from them, but hey, what's new? It's water off a ducks back. Once you realise that they will never have your back, the decision is easy.
Thanks for talking about your experiences. For me, the family and extended family Whatsapp group wasn't overtly toxic, but in a way that makes things "sneakier". The Whatsapp group was mostly all about bragging. Proper toxicity was done in real life.
I'm feeling a little bad today because I happened to see someone who was in my former group of "friends". Although this guy was the "best of a bad bunch", I found myself trying my best to avoid him. So basically I blanked him, although maybe I succeeded in making him think I hadn't seen him (or possibly heard him, I think he might have called my name but I'm not sure).
Anyway, I pretty much know it would be hopeless to talk to this guy again. There's an ultra-toxic leader of the group of friends, whom I'm NC with. Right, I've probably said enough, no point obsessing about this stuff for now. Good luck everyone.
Hello ! I had this issue 4 years ago when I began LC that eventually led me to NC. I will share my experience to see if it relates.
My FOO is Narcissistic, NPD mother, BPD sis, NPD bro, etc.
My NPD golden child brother kept adding me to this 'Family' group text. At the beginning I accepted the group: I though it's only text and I do not have to answer anything and some members of the extended family are not toxic, so what harm can that do?....
Boy that was a mistake ! Many times there were texts and even photographs that triggered my anxiety and brought bad memories, for example:
Once they published the photo of a deceased NPD aunt that had abused my cousins horrendously.... one of this cousins even tried to commit suicide several times because of the abuse he suffered since infancy and this photo was published as she was the greatest mother in the world on mothers day, it made me feel sick the hypocrisy of it....and the lack of respect towards my other cousins when everybody knew how she was.
Also my NPD bro loved rubbing in to other family members how rich he was publishing photos of his latest luxury trips and cars, knowing that many of the extended family members were still struggling financially.
The list could go on.....so I decided to get out of this group text, it was not healthy for me. So I left the group.
My NPD bro did not like this and texted why I did not form part of his family group text anymore? I think he did not like to have lost 'audience for his N supply' I guess. I answered simply that 'I do not like group texts' and that was it. Well, he kept sending invitations to rejoin this group over and over (like 5 to 10 times!). I always reject the request and give no more explanations (once is enough, but we know how NPDs are :stars:)..I remembered also that I'm not supposed to JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain) to toxic people.
This was an excellent decision for me, no more drama or triggering and truer NC.
I'm glad I left because even in group texts this people are toxic and when there are toxic members in those chats they will exert their influence to triangulate, to get information to use as ammunition against others, to get supply, etc. Even if the majority of the members of the chat are not dysfunctional. This is sadly so.
Leaving the group and never returning or subscribing to any other group were a toxic family member was part of proved wise.
Privacy, no more triggering and peace of mind. ;)
Thanks for sharing your experience magenta22 :) I too have felt a surprising amount of peace of mind finally blocking the group messages I would be initiated into by FOO.
This has recently moved one step farther: directly blocking some FOO by text and social media.
It would get so weird and passive aggressive sometimes. One uPD FOO member decided to drag a character from TV show that they thought was my favorite (which was funny, it wasn't even my favorite character). And tried to describe the character and how awful they are to other FOO members in the message thread but it was clearly a description of me, actually, and what they thought of me. Kind of amusing really but also hurtful.
What you describe with YOUR FOO sounds even worse! If my FOO posted pics of my uPD F, wow, the gall..
It was kind of scary at first to do the blocking. Fearing repercussions. Then I realized I couldn't get any of those repercussions because they can't contact me :P and I live quite far from all of them.
Quote from: guitarman on March 22, 2020, 09:15:41 PM
What are you afraid of? Being in the group text is causing you stress and anxiety. You need to put your own mental health and well-being first. Do what YOU need to do. If others react in a bad way that is their problem not yours. How they cope with rejection is up to them not up to you. You are not responsible for their inability to cope. That is their problem to deal with not yours.
I know it's not easy to put our own feelings and well-being first because of all the programming we've had to cope with for years, maybe even decades. All the FOG fear, obligation and guilt takes it toll. You need to look after you. No one else is going to do that for you.
It's OK to put your own feelings and well-being first. You matter too. You need to work on building up your own self esteem and being more assertive. Calmly talk more about your own feelings first and what you want and need. How others behave is up to them, not you.
You do not have to JADE that is justify, argue, defend or explain yourself. You could simply tell them that you are not going to take part any more. Keep it short. They may try and goad you but stay strong and don't engage. Whatever happens stay calm.
Keep strong. Keep calm.
I agree with guitarman.
I've experience of this.
In my family, I've noticed that it's accepted for certain family members (UNPDs and BPDs) to ignore texts and leave groups, as long as they are Golden Children.
In my FOO, this generally means male, except for my son of course( because of me!) and I would include one or two flying monkey females, according to who was in the group.
If they are just talking to me and mine, the flying monkeys are also permitted to ignore, discard, leave the conversation.
If there are male UNPD/ BPD GCs in the group, then the Fms HAVE to stay, to fawn over them and back up the GCs whatever they say. What they say are usually passive aggressive remarks aimed at the scapegoat or scapegoats.
One FM has deserted her mother, (her mum, my sis, is UBPD but sometimes she is scapegoated)
in favour of pleasing my UNPD father and brother. :sadno:
My brother instigated this. Bullies need Fms.
My brother had tried to similarly turn my daughter against me (by questioning my sanity! ) That didn't work 😊
Look, it can get nasty at first. I bit the bullet and blocked them all from Facebook and group messaging. They tried to add me back into messenger group chats a few times. I just as promptly a left the group, then asked them politely not to re -add me. I pointed out that I just wanted to 'do less' on social media. I was merely cutting down my social media. Full stop. There's no need to explain it further.
My dad accepted it. The others moaned. They said it was 'needed'. I said they had my email address. I ignored any further comments and I stayed calm.
Because I've blocked them in messenger and in FB they have NO idea when I'm online.The can't spy on me or gang up in group chats. It's wonderful.
They tried for a while to get me back in there. I told them that they could contact me in an emergency by text or phone.
I speak to one sister by text now and again. I keep it light, and she accepts that. Social chit chat. No family politics.
I don't answer texts from GC brother. I found that if I texted him I was getting ignored/ discarded.
Any from him were once in a blue moon, and always passive - aggressive/ hinting blame at me for something or other, so I put a polite stop to that. I did politely mention the apparent discarding to him. He raged back at me in a text message -about how busy and important he was and how unimportant I was and intimated that I was friendless so of course I received far less texts than him and had much more time to answer than him!
OMG. if this stuff was in a movie it wouldn't be believed. If you stay polite but stay firm, there's not a lot they can do.
I didn't answer that. He left it two hours then texted my daughter, asking if I was alright? 😆
The attempts at smearing, at least for me, fizzled away. The lack of response floored them. Yeh! :thumbup: :tongue2:
I'm now free.
Sorry if I've gone on too much about me.
I can't tell you what to do. But guitarman is right. We are under no obligation.
Taking back your privacy is your entitlement. It's helped me so much to find who I am again.
Quote from: yarlanzey on June 29, 2020, 05:58:00 AM
Great to see other people talking about this.
I was in a big, extended family group on Whatsapp. It used to irritate me because it was mostly people bragging about their achievements, or their children's achievements and so on.
Things came to a head last December. I was angry about how I was treated by a certain family member, and then her mother posts something which kind of implied that this "person" was angelic or something lol. On top of this, some toxic former friends had added me to a group, trying to get me to engage with them just because it was Christmastime I guess. I've fallen for that before but I won't be doing so again.
So anyway, I "left" the family group without saying anything, but nonetheless they would all see that I had left. Shortly afterwards I got rid of Whatsapp altogether.
That "fake angel" family member has done something "good" for someone else (although it probably didn't take much effort and was more luck than anything else) so I'll probably hear her stupid name being mentioned, and in a "positive" light. I know what she really is though..
Really glad I got rid of Whatsapp last year. I won't be going anywhere near that app again. I think all these apps, social media, dating sites, chatrooms etc. are full of narcissists and other "undesirables".
I've been reading "Becoming the Narcissist's Nightmare", which seems like a really good book. Don't get gaslighted (gaslit?) people, look after yourselves.