Problems with coworkers

miffyxo · January 23, 2024, 01:24:39 PM

Hi all

I've been struggling with this for a while and I was wondering if anyone had any thoughts or experienced similar

My work is a very work hard/party hard atmosphere and my coworkers are very social. They seem to have made a group though where they invite each other for lunch and nights out and I don't get included. They always go for lunch and walk straight past my desk and invite each other out, always having banter with each other and I feel totally left out. They also have a group chat where often the room goes silent followed by phones pinging and tons of laughing. Sometimes I check my phone but I don't have any messages.

I worry a bit I'm getting paranoid by one of the popular girls in the group too. Whenever I speak to my other coworkers she seems to clear her throat or do a loud sigh, and recently there was a situation. She asked for some extra lights to be put up in the office which the office manager was happy to do and then she asked for one of the lights to actually be moved away from her, and the office manager moved it directly next to me so it was now shining in my eyes. I asked if it could be a bit further away as I have eye problems (it was literally shining directly on top of me and I've had eye issues in the past) and the office manager freaked out calling me fussy and telling me that she'd give me eye problems in a minute. She also looked over at the cliquey group and sighed loudly and rolled her eyes.

I feel like I'm constantly treated like I'm different and ignored and made to feel ashamed. I do get quite stressed by my job and zone into my work to try to get everything done so I can leave on time to get home, but I never take my stress out on other people. I just go quiet and zone in, then when people speak to me I try to be very cheerful and friendly.

I guess there's two problems. One is I feel very over worked and tend to take on more than I should, and not take any breaks. The other is I feel like my workmates purposefully leave me out and make me feel like I'm not wanted to be there.

The cost of living is hitting me and my fiancé quite badly so I'm not in a position to leave because my job is decent pay for my age and skill level, and I'm also scared all jobs are the same. But I'd love a coping mechanism to get through this if anyone has any advise

Thanks, Miffy x

lillylover · January 23, 2024, 07:21:16 PM

Hi Miffy,
I'm so sorry for the stress at work with this silly clique and the way you are left out. I can understand how that would feel. Been there. I wonder if there are any others who do not belong to the clique who you might try to befriend. Maybe there are others who feel as you do. Perhaps one of them might love to have a friend such as you. One other suggestion that is not related to the way you are left out is that you say you feel overworked and tend to take on more work than you should and never take any breaks. Is that something that you might reconsider? Taking on only the work that is necessary? And maybe taking your proper share of breaks even if it is to go outside and take a short walk? Meanwhile I hate to say it but your work environment sounds like a haven for group of bullies and their enablers. Your boss sounds like one too- a bully/ enabler. Perhaps you might just secretly check out other jobs even though it scares you as you have described. Not all work environments are like this.
lillylover

Catothecat · January 24, 2024, 09:50:08 AM

No, not all workplaces are like that, Miff. Many are, and I've spent my time in horrid work environments with horrid co-workers. But many are not. And it's not just luck to get to those places that aren't like that. It's mostly hard and persistent work.

Decades ago I read something written by the wonderful Jane Trahey (she wrote The Trouble with Angels) that I've never forgotten. It went along the lines of, when you find yourself in a room full of closed doors, when a window opens--jump through.

You have to be paying attention for opportunities that may arise, you have to be looking out for them, but they're there. You just have to have the confidence to go looking. But being miserable at work is no way to go through life. You spend too much of your day there.

Perhaps find a therapist who works on a sliding-scale fee to go through various interaction scenarios with you to help you deal with your co-workers effectively and to help with your confidence. One thing that struck me was how, when the light was shining in your eyes, you felt the need to explain why that wasn't okay. But really, you don't need to have eye issues in order to say I don't want that light shining in my eyes. The fact that it was shining in your eyes was good enough on its own. A good therapist can help you develop an assertive style that works.

Anyway, good luck with this. Again, I know how difficult such a situation can be.

bloomie · January 24, 2024, 10:35:01 AM

miffyxo - what you are experiencing at work sounds awful for a sensitive, kind, hardworking soul. I am really sorry you are experiencing this.

The reality is you are being left out and your coworkers do not have the manners to be discreet and thoughtful in how they go about socializing. I imagine most of us have been in a similar work environment and for me anyway, this kind of thing, this invalidation and an office manager who rolls their eyes and freaks out at my reasonable request is hostile. And I do not want to be a sitting duck in a pond of hostile people.

Here is my best guess and then I have a few very good resources for you.

My best guess is you are gentle and soft spoken and accommodating. And.. you have mentioned you do more than your fair share and don't take time in the day to get away from the workload and assert your right to breaks.

Oddly enough I have observed in many workplaces that what would seem to illicit respect and appreciation from coworkers and managers can backfire on us.

When we work through breaks and come in early or stay late (possibly you are doing this, too?) we may be communicating that we need more time to do the work and have to work longer and through breaks to do the work. This can imply difficulty and inefficiency even if those things are not actually true of us.

Our heads down and lost in our work could be communicating disinterest in others around us - especially in a very social work environment. I am not in any way saying you are causing the mistreatment and disrespect, but rather that sometimes in a work environment high achievers and the more focused professional may be misunderstood and mislabeled. I wish that were not the case, but have seen this more than a few times.

It is also most likely that your doing more than your fair share and sacrificing breaks could be a threat and resented by those that are slackers.

So, empowerment could become your new focus. Taking your eyes off of immature coworkers and beginning to think through what is serving you in your approach to work and what is not and then learning some smart ways to handle the rudeness are ways to redirect your energy to equipping you to best handle the challenges of this environment until you are ready to move on.

Here are some really great resources that have insights including how to phrase responses to uncomfortable and difficult situations you find yourself in:

Dan O'Connor - high energy, practical communication tools found here: https://www.youtube.com/@TheWizardOfWords

Jefferson Fisher - kind, warm, practical ways to handle anything from embarrassing situations to what to say when someone belittles you: https://www.youtube.com/@jeffersonfisher

And finally, Bill Eddy podcast and articles - High Conflict Institute - strategies and for challenging interactions: https://highconflictinstitute.com/podcasts/

Good luck with this. What these people are offering you is an opportunity to learn and grow and become equipped and empowered. But, boy do experiences like this sting and I am so sorry for that!

(I would add, just as a note that the way you described the office manager behaving is truly inappropriate and I hope, at the very least, you are documenting some of this in case you ever decide to take action on it.And the ringleader.. mean girl sighing and coughing when you speak... you could stop speaking and turn and give her a silent 3 second stare every time she does it, and then carry on with what you were saying... just a thought as a first step to handle this potentially passive aggressive bullying.)

miffyxo · January 30, 2024, 03:16:27 AM

Thanks all for the hugely helpful advise. I'll check out the links you suggested @bloomie and it's good to know @cattothecat and @lillylover not all workplaces are like that

I don't feel quite ready to leave but I'll check out the tools to cope with it while I'm keeping an eye out for better opportunities

Thanks all! 💖

Aingeal · February 07, 2024, 09:29:09 PM

I'm so sorry you're going through this

I've been there too. It started with one office bully and seemed to gain traction with her. This woman was a misery and even some bosses were afraid to give her any work. Anyway, I always gave it my all but the bullies have a way of beating you down - subtle ways. It's like emotional terrorism. The worst thing ever is the office clique.

I continued to job search and come to find out for all of my work and putting up with bullies they were seriously underpaying me. I applied to anything and everything and finally got a job offer. More money, more holidays better working environment (not great but better). I'll keep my eyes open because not all workplaces are like that horrible last job - but baby steps. I can also work remote a few days (office admin type work) which I could never do at that horrible job - only offered remote work days to the special favorite ones.

And yes, it stinks to be left out - and I think they enjoy rubbing in the night out etc. because it makes them feel bigger and better than you. My guess is that you're very competent at your job and a very nice person .... Which can unfortunately make you a target for the jerk bullies in the office through no fault of your own. It.isn't.you. It's not. Bullies are known to have low self esteem and lash out to bring another person down - make them feel powerful. I hope you job search on the side - please don't drop anchor here. You seem to have so much potential and there's something better out there for you.

Remember that some workplaces replicate the toxic dysfunctional family: playing favorites (Golden Child), targeting/singling out one person to treat badly (scapegoat) and on and on.

This video from a therapist on YouTube helped me out a lot (There are maybe 2 parts or so - can watch them in 15 - 30 minutes increments I think)

Kris Godinez
Workplace Bullies Part 1
https://youtu.be/c3-eFwlF_bI?si=DhLc-eCxkEuq3I_s

miffyxo · February 13, 2024, 03:34:47 PM

Quote from: Aingeal on February 07, 2024, 09:29:09 PMI'm so sorry you're going through this I've been there too. It started with one office bully and seemed to gain traction with her. This woman was a misery and even some bosses were afraid to give her any work. Anyway, I always gave it my all but the bullies have a way of beating you down - subtle ways. It's like emotional terrorism. The worst thing ever is the office clique.

I continued to job search and come to find out for all of my work and putting up with bullies they were seriously underpaying me. I applied to anything and everything and finally got a job offer. More money, more holidays better working environment (not great but better). I'll keep my eyes open because not all workplaces are like that horrible last job - but baby steps. I can also work remote a few days (office admin type work) which I could never do at that horrible job - only offered remote work days to the special favorite ones.

And yes, it stinks to be left out - and I think they enjoy rubbing in the night out etc. because it makes them feel bigger and better than you. My guess is that you're very competent at your job and a very nice person .... Which can unfortunately make you a target for the jerk bullies in the office through no fault of your own. It.isn't.you. It's not. Bullies are known to have low self esteem and lash out to bring another person down - make them feel powerful. I hope you job search on the side - please don't drop anchor here. You seem to have so much potential and there's something better out there for you.

Remember that some workplaces replicate the toxic dysfunctional family: playing favorites (Golden Child), targeting/singling out one person to treat badly (scapegoat) and on and on.

This video from a therapist on YouTube helped me out a lot (There are maybe 2 parts or so - can watch them in 15 - 30 minutes increments I think)

Kris Godinez
Workplace Bullies Part 1
https://youtu.be/c3-eFwlF_bI?si=DhLc-eCxkEuq3I_s

Thank you so much for your kind motivating words and the link, I will give it a watch

Rebel13 · February 14, 2024, 05:07:03 PM

I support everything that has been said here, with two additional resources to share: Ask A Manager has tons of posts from people about situations like this, and suggestions on how to handle them. The book Jerks At Work was very useful to me in understanding the dynamics of my personal workplace bully and coming up with a plan to handle it.

And it's true there are good workplaces -- As Cat said, it just takes time and effort to find them. I'm finally in one after leaving behind three jobs that were varying degrees of unpleasant and dysfunctional. Good luck to you!

miffyxo · April 15, 2024, 07:56:09 AM

Thanks for all your replies everyone! It's been a couple of months since and unfortunately I did the self sabotaging thing and I kept with the job I'm at, and it's got a million times worse. To the point I've almost quit on the job a couple of times

I thought I was doing loads of healing but a one to one I had with my manager totally disrailed it. We'd had all our 6 monthly one to ones booked in but when it came to mine he asked me "so why do you want a one to one?" He had no notes prepared, didn't tell me I was doing a good job (which I felt like I was and was really proud of as I'd been effectively leading my team for the past few weeks during colleague absences, promotions etc) and didn't ask me anything about career progression. He just stared at me.

It really disregulated me and I ended up bursting into tears, telling him everything about me not feeling valued, having to fix lots of mistakes from other people, and about the office clique. The answer was basically it's all in my head, and not to tell anyone about the mistakes as it's unfair to my colleagues. In a meeting earlier that day me and another colleague had highlighted an issue with too many conflicting deadlines and got told it was all in our heads.

Ever since when it happened a couple of weeks ago I've been applying for other jobs, I feel so upset. I feel like any work I've put in to my mental health has been destroyed and I'm questioning my own sanity. Even outside of work I feel constantly anxious and I feel like I'm having a panic attack constantly, even when ordering food at a cafe with my fiancé, or waiting in line at a shop. I just feel like everyone is looking at me and honestly my mental health feels at an all time low. I think I'd placed so much expectation on getting approval from my manager for my improved mental health and tackling the workload so well and training others, but when I was met with nothing, even acting like I don't deserve a one to one or I'm an "issue" I just feel awful.

Is looking for other jobs the right option? I feel like I've exhausted everything else at my current company 😔

bloomie · April 15, 2024, 10:23:40 AM

miffyxo - what a let down and invalidation your one to one was with your manager. I am so sorry that this has derailed you and you are struggling!!

Quote from: miffyxo on April 15, 2024, 07:56:09 AMI think I'd placed so much expectation on getting approval from my manager for my improved mental health and tackling the workload so well and training others, but when I was met with nothing, even acting like I don't deserve a one to one or I'm an "issue" I just feel awful.

You have found the root of how this has derailed you and sent you spinning right here. Can you.. will you.. take back your value from a manager who is clearly not qualified for their position and inept and put it right back where it belongs. With what you know to be true of yourself!

As long as we put our worth and value in anything that is unreliable and WILL let us down we are going to be unsteady when the affirmation and appreciation doesn't come and the invalidation and mean spiritedness does.

Go here: https://www.youtube.com/@UcanOutdoors/shorts

Listen to the shorts on Ucanoutdoors - Scott Tatum's YouTube channel - as many times as you need to in order to break free and 'know your worth'. Saturate yourself with these empowering reminders and important encouraging messages!

Quote from: miffyxo on April 15, 2024, 07:56:09 AMIs looking for other jobs the right option? I feel like I've exhausted everything else at my current company 😔

I only know a tiny snapshot here and so take my thoughts and use what helps and leave the rest, but in answer to this question I am offering resounding YES!!! to the question of moving on from what sounds like a toxic work environment. Find a place to work where you are valued and respected, but keep your worth in your own pocket! You define who and what you are. You define your strengths and weaknesses!

And keep coming back and allowing us to support you as you go forward!