What books should husband and I read for help with enmeshed parents/in-laws?

[goldtracedcloud]

If anyone would be kind enough to share, what has been your favorite book for help with enmeshed parents or in-laws?  Have posted a little about my in-laws here before, but further background: they are a family of teachers, social workers and preachers who know how to professionally whitewash; I like to say they gaslight like it's breathing air and drinking water.  They tend to micro manage emotions and conversations - everyone always needs to be happy (their definition of "happy," of course).  They only willingly or openly talk about many subjects when they themselves bring them up, otherwise the subject is immediately changed or shut down.  When things don't go exactly their way, we usually get silent treatment, sulking, or guilting.  Have gotten disbelief and masked contempt from them towards medical issues that I have.  Have been expected to put up with an incredibly hostile SIL (married to husband's brother) whom they enable, as "she's that way with everyone."   They have definitely always wished to be more friends than parents, and even still keep in touch with some of my husband's old high-school friends that he doesn't.  They have always been big gift givers, which I now see as something they did/do to try to keep us closer. 

I have seen a lot of people recommend Ken Adams' "When He's Married to Mom" - would it still be a helpful read if both parents/father is enmeshed too?  I already have on my reading list Controlling People by Patricia Evans - I got it for help with more overt controllers that I know, but I imagine it will be helpful for passive ones too.  & I am planning on reading "The Assertiveness Guide for Women" by Julie de Azevedo Hanks, but not sure how applicable it will be for my husband.  I have seen "Children of the Self Absorbed" & "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents," but am not sure which one would be best or relate most?  Interested in books both for recovering from the emotional abuse of enmeshment and for better handling such families.  Any suggestions are much appreciated.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi there,

Each book I've read on the topic of people and behaviours, has given me more education on how these relationships actually work (vs. how I wish they worked).

Since you asked for recommendations, I would say that "Adult children of emotionally immature parents" is great since it explains the way that emotional immaturity affects your relationship with the parent. It also highlights that you can't change the level of emotional development in your own parent. You might be able to ask them to change a specific behaviour - but you're not making a dent in their overall level of maturity. They still see life through their lens. Maybe chronologically they are 50 or 60 or 70 years old, but developmentally, they think and process at a much younger age.

Trees

[Cat of the Canals]

Your description of your in-laws sounds eerily like my PDmom, right down to the education background. She is very good at the professional/social whitewashing. I second "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents," because I think it's a really good starting point for these kinds of family systems in general. After that, I'd suggest "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist," which focuses more on your (or your husband's) role in the enmeshment, which is important because our behavior is the only behavior we can actually change.

[LemonLime]

Agree with what others have recommended so far.

I have found Darlene Lancer's "Codependents for Dummies" amazingly helpful for understanding enmeshment and also PD's.
It focuses on the codependent (in this case me) and asks us to look at ourselves and change.  It's a fair amount of work.  But for me it got me out of the "why are they like that?" phase and finally into the "how did I end up going along with this for so long, and how can I change myself?" phase.

Changing myself automatically changes the relationship with my PDsib.   And also with my emotionally immature and enmeshed elderly parents.
It's been so freeing.  It's like getting out of jail.    I have more energy and optimism. For everything.

[goldtracedcloud]

Cat, that is really interesting.  I have speculated a lot on narcissism and teaching since I started waking up to some of my in laws' traits.  I do think the career background of teaching gives some the skills of master manipulators.  They have to be in control of kids/classrooms, after all.  People often make the same mistake I did when I met them and automatically look at them as benevolent, which is something else they must get out of it.  & It has also occurred to me, that since PD people often remain stuck in childhood and child-like thinking, it makes since that working with children would appeal to them.  Having pupils, whether teaching children or adults, must be a source of supply for them too.  Side note: I have a sister with flaming NPD traits who was also into teaching before she went into sales.  

Thank you all for the recommendations, glad to have some good books to start the year out with. Happy New Year to everyone! 

[olivegirl]

Jenna D. Barry's "A Wife's Guide to In-Laws"was the most helpful for both my husband and me. 

[goldtracedcloud]

Thanks, olivegiril!  Looking at excerpts of it right now, does look really helpful.

[Leonor]

Susan Forward, "Toxic Inlaws" is also a great resource! It's very supportive of adult couples without disrespecting their parents (as are the books mentioned above, too!)

[Starboard Song]

Check out our Books - PD In-Laws page for good suggestions, a couple of which are mentioned above.

[Call Me Cordelia]

One more for the anecdotal pool of uPD teachers. My own uPD parents and many on my DH's side of the family were/are teachers. All levels of education are represented here, from early childhood through university. Your description of the toxic positivity of conversations feels very familiar to my ILs interactions with me. We were great, everything was great, they were in control of the conversation at all times. In that in-between time when I was NC with my parents and not yet them, and wouldn't go with the "We're so great!" narrative, all the problems I was trying to address with them were obviously laid at my door, because I'm the one with family wounds and therefore am clearly the one who doesn't know how to handle family relationships. (And yet before we were all so great... and since I'm obviously suffering wouldn't you have some empathy for that?) And wow what a convenient excuse to have that their relationship with their own son wasn't very good either. It's his mentally ill wife who's keeping him away from them. It's easier go silent with me and to fawn over their daughter's old high school friends who are still around town. My MiL can act like she's young and cool and not in her sixties. Her father did that as well... tried to act young and be the cool guy to his students up until he died.

Books... not specifically about enmeshed families but "Will I Ever Be Good Enough?" was really helpful to me for reframing my own self-esteem. I had been taught to please the FOO and then the Il's at all costs and it was a good reframing as I recall.

[bloomie]

Counteract - how empowering to be working through trusted resources to help you together!!

I know you asked for books, but a couple of vids by experts I have greatly benefitted from are:
Enmeshment: The Problem of too much Togetherness in a Dysfunctional Family by Jerry Wise:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fRw0C35Ahao

and Overcoming Enmeshment an interview with Dr. Ken Adams: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k0344BSxQng and another interview of Dr. Adams: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q8Qg8TjNytQ

Adding vids in addition to the reading has helped me a lot. It is a condensed way to gather more tools and insights in these enmeshed relationships and often reinforces the content you are reading.

What is at the tap root of this kind of invalidating directed narratives and prescribed emotional experiences and expression in my own in law family is the strongly held family rule that we are not allowed our own, authentic voice and experiences. The family is one big "WE".

"In this family we do/don't..."  "Oh, we know that sometimes her mouth just gets away from her. We know she didn't intend to hurt anyone." "Sometimes we are just called to be the bigger person and show love and grace." "But, we always celebrate on.." " One thing I know for sure we've all always accepted and loved you." 

It is suffocating and detrimental. It breeds secrets and lies, distortions, dysfunction, and tolerates everything but the truth as long as we properly tuck in our 'issues', spiritualize every difficulty and maintain the family image. A family member can be popping Xanax like candy with the affect of a zombie, but their 'good'. Doing great! 

Let us know how you are doing in the coming days.  We get how complicated and challenging this all can be!

eta: popping in to add a dynamic found within these enmeshed family systems Dr. Adams terms: obligatory assignment of loyalty. Understanding this in order to recognize it has been really helpful for me. Learning to question... "did I ever agree to this?" when faced with an entrenched, unhealthy paradigm or role we are to play is empowering for me.

[Leonor]

Love me some Dr Ken Adams, that man saved my sanity and marriage!!!

[goldtracedcloud]

So sorry to be responding to these additional comments months later! I took a break from the forum for awhile, but have been reading some of the material that was suggested.  I really appreciate the further recommendations.

Call Me Cordelia, thanks so much for sharing some of your experience.  I relate both to having family members spanning all levels of education and having my own family history used against me.  It helps a lot to know I'm not alone.

It is suffocating and detrimental. It breeds secrets and lies, distortions, dysfunction, and tolerates everything but the truth as long as we properly tuck in our 'issues', spiritualize every difficulty and maintain the family image. A family member can be popping Xanax like candy with the affect of a zombie, but their 'good'. Doing great! 

& Bloomie, what you said here was all too on point!  Thanks for sharing your thoughts & the additional information.  I will check those videos out!

I may post an update on in-laws separately sometime in the future.  Exercising and learning how to have boundaries is definitely an ongoing journey...

[bloomie]

Counteract - sending you strength on the journey. Sounds like you are focusing on your health and growth! Good to hear from you!

[sandpiper]

I'm going to add a wild card to the mix, that being a book that my T put me onto many years ago. It's an Australian book about CBT by author Sarah Edelman, called 'Change your thinking'.
I read a stack of books about what was going wrong with my disordered FOO but I don't think I really started to recover until I realised I needed to address how all of that was impacting on me. It really pushes you out of shape, and unless you work on that it will do a lot of damage to your life and your relationships.
I found that DH didn't read much but got enormous benefit from the reading that I did, and from sitting quietly over a cup of tea while I explained the dynamics of a situation. He still gets suckered by his family but I call it, and I know when I need to step back and let him process something without me getting in the way of that.
The best definition of co-dependence that I ever read, and I wish I could remember the person to quote it, was 'You know when you're co-dependent because when you die, someone else's life rushes before your eyes.'  True, that.

[Phoenix18]

But for me it got me out of the "why are they like that?" phase and finally into the "how did I end up going along with this for so long, and how can I change myself?" phase.

This is an important distinction and a great way to put it. It helped bring a bit of clarity to me, that I'm fed up with trying to figure them out and just need to figure myself out. I think this awareness must be what moves us from being reactionary to being proactive. It's also enlightening that you mentioned after doing this you felt more energy.