Why did my friend do this

[Lilyloo]

All of you know the abuse I've taken from my mother. My brothers and I lately are dealing with mother falling and the NH.  We have dealt with some pretty nasty calls from our mother who believes her miserable life is because of us! she says it to us!

My best friend forever since school knows all that my mother has done. Shes witnessed me being bashed in the post office when mother was there at the csame time and also in the grocery store.  Mother tells them I'm a bad daughter. My friend sees this!  Three times my friend witnessed it!

Yet now when I need her and a shoulder instead of seeing my pain even when I tell her directly that I'm hurting, she continues to ask how my mother is doing. WHAT!!  " How is your mother doing"  I just cant even process this!  She knows my nerves and stress are shot because of mommie dearest yet asks how she is!

  This friend is one of those who goes to her moms house daily, takes her food, and repeatedly tells me all she does for her mom.   Good Lord, she knows how bad its been with my mother. If I tell her details on the trash talk I get from mother, my friend turns it into, well I just pray each day when  I'm at  my moms to get through it all.  I took her her favorite food today.  I cleaned her house! 


So she sits there waiting for her mom to get nasty and prays it wont happen!   This friend must feel some kinda obligation I never felt!

I'm pissed as I had just told my friend its been a bad day, and  I'm sorry I  didn't get a chance to call her like I promised I would ( I texted instead)  I explained how very sad and hurt and just plain down in the dumps I am,  and don't feel like talking just yet. I was once again apologizing to someone for not calling or whatever it is I think I do wrong,or don't do that I'm supposed to do.  and she asks "how is your mother" !!!   

Maybe its me but if I see a friend seeming to be really down, I'd not ask "hows your mother" when the  damned depression I'm heading into is ABOUT MY CRAZY MOTHER

God help me I just don't understand. I'm about done with people except for you great friends here. Please tell me if I'm wrong!!

[notrightinthehead]

You are not wrong. You noticed something about your friend you didn't know before. Maybe she has a really nice mother and wants to give her all the love she can while she still can. Or she has a mother problem but doesn't want to see that because she is co-dependent and lives in Lalaland. Whatever it may be, she is not able to be supportive to you in this situation. Going to her for support when your mother trauma is concerned is like going to a brick wall for hugs. She cannot do it, even if she wanted to.
You wrote she is your best friend, so she must have qualities you enjoy. Maybe give her a break where your mother is concerned and prepare a standard reply for the dreaded question. Something like "Creating havoc for everyone around her, thanks for asking" or "doing her worst, as usual, thanks for asking" .
Not everybody is willing to accept that mothers can be less than wonderful. Not everybody can understand and support us in everything. Sometimes we disagree with people we love, sometimes we cannot share things with people who have been supportive in other things. Sounds like you have come to a point with your friend where you disagree. That doesn't mean that all is bad, or that she is a bad person. Just that at the moment you are going through something you cannot share with her. Sad as that might be, as you wrote, people on here get it. A therapist might get it. A CoDA group might get it. Your siblings might get it. You are not alone in this!

[Lilyloo]

 Thank you notrightinthehead, those are really great replies that you suggest!   Sadly there's not many quality I enjoy anymore.  She is in lala land about her mother.  I'm not backing down. I can tell you this 100%  if she texted me and O saw she was hurting; I would do everything in my power to make her feel I cared. She avoided it!  If I bother her then that's not a friendship I want. My mother dislikes her. she knows it. It doesn't matter. I am smart enough to see she has  the old 'honor thy mother' thing going on.  That's her choice!    She even told my husband the other day that she will drive me to the nursing home to visit my mother.  :

[Lilyloo]

It used to be I would say sorry for this post. Yes even up until days ago, I'd be oh why did I do that??  I am changed. I stood back for years taking crap. What is a friend anyway?  What is a mother?  I stood by them all and I am not the lily loo I used to be.  I could live my remaining years bowing to my mother who says I caused her all the misery she had in her life. LOL LOL. I used to wonder, 'did I' did I cause her misery?   It bogged me down and when my friend asks if I need a ride to the NH!!  Where ya been all these years when you watched me shrivel and become like a 5 year old pertaining to my mother. 

[NarcKiddo]

Take a deep breath!

And then consider whether and how you want this friendship to continue.

If you want the friendship to continue as before as much as possible but without the mother aspect, then I would suggest simply saying (either in advance, or next time she asks after your mother) "I don't want to discuss my mother."

She might ask why,  and it's up to you if you want to say "You know my mother upsets me." If you say that, she may try to prolong the subject, though, so you will immediately have to follow up with "I don't want to discuss my mother." You might have to refuse to discuss her mother, too.

If you want to cool off generally then withdraw as much as you see fit.

You don't have to back down from anything. Simply refuse to go anywhere you don't want to.

Hugs.

[Lilyloo]

Thanks NarcKiddo!   Yes deep breath for sure.  It just hit me hard that knowing all she knows she wants to drive me to the NH.  Makes no sense. She is co -dependent  Notrightinthehead has it right!  Living in lala land. Her brother isn't seeing their mom now. My friends mother talked badly of  brothers wife's family. They are a really sweet family.  My friend is furious he isn't seeing his mother.   She called her brother an ass.  I'd say  my friend lives in a fairytale world where older folks can do no wrong and we are all to honor them no matter what!   I did tell her that mother topics, hers and mine are over. Thank you again

[Amy-Rose]

Personally, I don't think you're wrong. Her Mother maybe unwell but it could just be ignorance on her part? She's seen you deal with it but she's never been the victim of what you have so can't really understand. Some people don't want to understand. She loves her mother and that's great. Everyone has flaws. Maybe it's time to look at whether thus friendship is worth it or not. All the best x

[Lilyloo]

Thank you Amy Rose!  Ignorance is right!  She also has been a victim of her mothers behavior. It's not as bad as my mother behaves but still not good. She doesn't love her mother. It's obligation because her father on his death bed wrote my friend a letter that she was to take care of her mother.  I dont know all the content but it must have been a guilt trip. If she has to sit there and pray to get through the visit with her mother then it's obligation.   So she is obeying a letter from a deceased father. Sad isn't it.  69 years old and obeying.   I am stepping back from any toxic relationship that makes me feel upset.  She continually ignores anything  I try to say.  Thanks again. Feedback and advice is greatly appreciated