Friend might have PD

[Poison Ivy]

I have a friend who might have a PD.  Her ex-husband almost certainly does, and so I think that for a long time, I was only recognizing his disordered behaviors, not hers.  I have chosen to not drop this friend, even though she brings me no joy, because she is going through a very difficult time with the divorce and I am one of her very few friends. But I also feel dragged down by her misery (which she acknowledges) and her anger and denial (which she doesn't acknowledge).  She turns to me often to vent and to seek reassurance and suggestions and I want to be available to her as an "ear" but not continue to feel depressed (because I can't do more to help her) and annoyed (because she doesn't do more to help herself).  Thanks. 

[Thru the Rain]

You have to do what you feel is right, of course.

But if your friend does have a PD, don't expect her to appreciate you efforts or to reciprocate if you need her in return.

[Poison Ivy]

Thank you, Thru the Rain.  It's helpful to keep that in mind. 

[Malini]

Did your friends always « bring you no joy » or is this just now because of the divorce? If she never brought you joy, you might want to think if it's fair on either of you to continue the friendship.

However, if it's because of the divorce and you've chosen to be there for her,  what you could do to preserve your sanity is to be available on your terms so as not to be swamped with the negativity and choose to respond when you feel you can offer empathy. It will be a one-way street (at least until the divorce is over and digested).

What you could also try is to ask her « what do you think you could do to ... «  It can help to break the cycle of negativity and offer her a way to empower herself a bit during the divorce and can lead to a discussion which is less one-sided.

[Poison Ivy]

Thank you, Malini.  It's a good question whether this person has ever not been negative.  For now, though, I feel obliged (personally; not that anyone is forcing me) to stick with her.  Your suggestions are good ones.