Love Bombing

[SunnyMeadow]

My uNPDmom is love bombing me and it feels SO fake because it is fake. I wish this was how she related with me all the time though. How wonderful it would be to have a mother who cares and replies in happy and light hearted ways. I know her passive aggressive, woe is me, angry, seething comments are bubbling under the surface. I can feel it. She's waiting like a snake to lunge at me. Pretty sickening way to think about my mother, isn't it? But it's true and from her history there's no way this will play out any differently.

I was NC for months. it was so nice but I had fear bubbling inside of me, wondering how it would play out. She ended up apologizing with a non-apology and I went along with it. I wanted the pain to go away. She actually underhandedly black-mailed me. I understand the power she holds because I was so enmeshed with her in my early years that I told her everything, and I mean everything. She was very encouraging.

So now I have an auto immune disease going on that sends me spiraling when I'm stressed and I've told her that. I think that's why she's acting in this new and shiny way. I've said I can't do stress and I won't. Our limited contact would be even more limited if she acts up. I guess I hold some power, big deal.

If she didn't hold the major power I'd tell her to eff off and be done with her. She mentioned the situation and I was like HOLY #%^#@, she'd use this against me and it scared the crap out of me. It's my own fault.

I don't have a real purpose in putting this out there but wanted someplace to write it down. Comments are welcome or at least, read and learn. I wish x 1,000 that I would have known better when I was younger. She wasn't my best friend!!! I didn't have friends and now I know why. It was highly discouraged because I had her. So absolutely disgusting and sick.

It she follows the expiration path that her parents and siblings took, right about this age then and only then will I will be free. (doesn't make me feel good to think that but that's how it is) These people do so much damage. I'm only the tip of the iceberg.

[SunnyMeadow]

She wasn't my best friend!!! I didn't have friends and now I know why. It was highly discouraged because I had her. So absolutely disgusting and sick.

I wish we could edit at any time and not just immediately after posting. Not that it matters but I mean to write...She WAS my best friend! I didn't have any other friends.

[WomanInterrupted]

Without revealing your secret, write it down for your eyes only - all the dates, details, those involved, what happened, if anybody got hurt (physically, emotionally) - and the outcome, and fallout, if there was for another person or persons.

Write it all down - not the *emotions* - but the FACTS.  X happened on X day.  I said this to Y.  This is what happened to Z - or Y or you.

Put it away for three days - and don't have any communication with your mom during that time.

Take it out and look at it with *fresh* eyes.

Is it *really* that damning to your character?  Was it really THAT bad?  Was something that happened 20 or even 30 years ago *so bad* that you're going to allow your mom to *abuse* you with it?

Then ask yourself - is it something you can talk to the other person or parties about?  Is it something you can apologize for, or make amends?  Is it something *worth* taking those steps for, or is it too late?  (They've passed on, moved to the other side of the world,  or the relationships just sort of petered out, over the years.)

Only you know those answers - and 20 or 30 years (or more) is a LOT of water under the bridge.  There are things that happened then, that I thought I'd never forgive - I kind of haven't, if a PD was involved, but non-PDs?  Shit happens and we all make mistakes  - and sometimes you can actually laugh about those things, years later, with hindsight being 20/20.   

The other thing you need to consider is your mom's character - do people hang on her every word, or is she getting a reputation for making stuff up, telling tall tales, sensationalizing stories to the point, "I went to the grocery store and forgot toothpaste..." becomes an arc that takes up an entire week on General Hospital?   

Would revealing this information now make HER look worse - or you - and is anybody actually going to believe her if you shoot it all down with Medium Chill, to *anybody not directly involved with what happened?*  - "Thank you for your concern.  The matter has been addressed." - BLOCK! 

And...your mom won't be just harming you - she'll be harming that person or persons, too, by airing dirty laundry. 

So...think about that.  Who is going to look worse?

You, for making a mistake decades ago, or your mom bringing it up to embarrass you now, and possibly drag another person's name into the dirt, just to try to take you down? 

Only you know the answers - and you know how to spin any damage or fallout through Medium Chill and containing the FMMs by blocking them. 

And consider this - once the secret is out, has been dealt with (half the people she tells probably won't believe her, a few might clutch their pearls, and the rest will probably think, "Who cares!?  It happened 30 years ago, so why is she bringing it up now?  Slow news day at the nursing home?") - she will have *nothing to hold over your head.* 

That's right!  Oh, she can tell other embarrassing things, or other things that weren't quite as bad, BUT that's when the majority of people will probably start thinking, "What is WRONG with her?" 

And if you want, you can soak in all the lovely silence of NC, if that's what you choose to do. 

If somebody threatened me, or wouldn't stop talking smack about me, I'd seriously consider it, and tell all her minions to "consider the source" before blocking them. 

[SunnyMeadow]

Thank you for these wise words WI!

I wasn't thinking of how other people view my mother. She's burned so many bridges that I doubt people give a rip about her thoughts or opinions anymore. I will remember the "consider the source" line. So simple but packs a big punch.

For my entire life my mother has been my "best friend" and to hear her subtle threat made me realize she'd bring up this situation to harm me. Shocking after all this time thinking she's the one person who always has my back. 

I will privately journal the event, take a big pause and then read the facts and not the emotions. What a great idea!

I love this place. When I get caught up in the emotions it's nice to get new ideas and opinions. A whole different perspective.

Thank you for your thoughts and advice. 

[Fortuna]

If she's brought up trying to blackmail you with secrets you told her previously, from now on give her nothing if you decide to stay in contact at all. Strict information diet. She can't be trusted to keep your secrets. She can't be trusted to put you first. Talk about nothing but the weather and traffic. No gossip. no drama. No opinions. Nothing that could be used against you or anyone else.

[SunnyMeadow]

I agree Fortuna. My mother is on a strict info diet. She doesn't get even a fraction of the information I used to tell her. She doesn't deserve to know anything about me or my FOC.

I stopped participating in her non-stop drama and gossip years ago. She brings up things from time to time but I MC around her comments then cut the call short. I don't have the time or desire to nit pick and dissect her conversations with other people.

It's shocking and sad to realize my own mother doesn't have my best interests at heart. Talk about cold blooded.